Talking Shyness and 7 Tips I Use to Cope
Shyness has plagued me for years. I hate being in front of or around large groups of people, even family. When I was younger, I would sit quietly with my head down until my mom made that announcement for us to go home. I can't remember why, but I was very self conscious an uncomfortable. I never wanted a lot attention on myself, and still hate it til this day to a certain degree. I've always preferred playing the background at events. Listening and observing; watching everyone have fun and being outgoing, yet still enjoying myself in the cut. Even as a nonparticipant, I enjoyed being there because my presence, in a small way, is me participating.
I've always been very selective with who I talk to and when; if I opened up and with whom. Around eight or nine, I remember those times I would shed my cloak of anxiety, when my favorite cousins would show up to the family function and the times they didn't, it just didn't happen at all. The comfort to be myself or simply, open and out, just wasn't there with everyone.
I suppose part of it could've been due to an uncertainty of myself or the things I would think or say. Not that anything I thought or said was unusual, but it just takes a certain amount of confidence to speak out aloud on anything; to have the stage, even if it's a little one. Diagnosis I suppose, being a hint of social anxiety, staring at a very young age.
Was there anything my Ma could've done to help alleviate some of my anxiety? Hell yea. Yelling at me sure didn't help. Scolding or ridiculing me because I didn't want to talk to people didn't help or make me want to. If anything, it was more harmful and counterproductive. Instead of humiliating me in from of family, simply leaving me be would have been great and some comfort and understanding would've been even better. Walking me through how to adjust to crowds of people would have been the cure all, but you know, no hard feelings lol.
Surprisingly, I adjusted well over time. I became secure with myself and confident early. My shyness was never a result of a lack of confidence in my appearance. I never thought low of myself, I just preferred to be lowkey. Large crowds of people and attention just made and make, me overwhelmed. Lunch time in school I remember, I always dreaded for some reason. I always had to brace myself, thinking "here we go". It just felt like I was being put on display, which I hate.
Some of us who suffer with anxiety or shyness simply need the time to become comfortable in our own skins, which was my case. Once I began gaining the confidence not in myself, but more so in my presence, it became easier to be me in the forefront. Overtime I gained certainty and assurance within, that allows me to get out there and participate in... life bascically lol.
Here are some tips that aid me in adjusting to having a more social life.
Appearance: Make sure you hair, makeup and outfit is on point. If you feel that confidence from within; it'll make you feel less self conscious about yourself and your presence anywhere. It's like your armor and you feel secure knowing you look amazing, and you radiate that confidence. Even if I'm sitting alone, at least I'm a bad b**ch alone, so then it could be by choice and not because I'm having a meltdown inside, lolll
Have friends who understand: Having people who understand your social anxiety, how it makes you feel, supports you and tries to help you overcome it is amazing because you don't feel isolated or embarrassed because of your shyness or anxiety. They don't ridicule you or become frustrated when you may need a little support or are just being your shy introverted self.
*Have at least one of two friends that are more outgoing than you, to accompany you to events or out, to relieve some of the stress. You'll at least have them to talk to before you start socializing more or to retreat back to afterwards. Sometimes they'll can even act as wing-men and help steer conversation in your favor or to simply start it up so you can chime in with your little piece.
Balance taking a chance while still maintaining your comfort: Some may say that you should "just get out there!" but I feel, taking on more than you're ready for can harm you too by making you super overwhelmed. It's good to take those risks, but make sure it's still within the realm of your comfort a little. The most important part, I feel for us is to maintain comfort and security to keep our stress and anxiety down to a minimum- because our norm level is generally already at a skyrocketing height.
Start small: Jumping off from the previous tip, start small at your comfort level and build up to bigger events allowing your comfort zone to expand more and more. For example, start with kickbacks and lounges before a club or concert. Start with socializing with people who're alone like a cafe, in class or at work, versus approaching a group of people to befriend. Professionally, maybe start with little mixers, pop-up shops or work events with coworkers you're familiar with, before you jump into a huge networking event with strangers.
Social drinking: If you are over the legal drinking age, indulging in one or two cocktails before an event can loosen you up just enough to be a social butterfly for the night. I've just about master social drinking at this point, so I feel I like to utilize this tip a lot- not only because I like drinking, but because it's fool proof for me. I know what kind of drinker and drunk person I am- this is a major key. I'm super nice and polite when I'm tipsy (or drunk), I'm more inviting, more friendly and talkative. These are all qualities that I already inhabit, so they're just amplified, which is why drinking is a little cheat code for me. I also already drink at a minimum so setting boundaries for myself are easy.
If you're a sloppy drinker who may become loud, obnoxious or aggressive when drinking or doesn't know how to limit yourself, just skip on past this lol. You and I both don't want you taking any chances risking your reputation or any future opportunities.
Which ever kind of alcohol you prefer to indulge, whether wine, dark liquor or light, know your limits. Know which number cocktail takes you from a warm buzz to turnt is key so if you haven't mastered this don't try it until you do. I personally allow myself to indulge in two cocktails or shots of dark liquor, which'll have me okay for the rest of my event or night out with friends.
*Please be careful not to abuse this tool because I wouldn't want any of you to become dependent on it. It's just a little cheat code, don't abuse it too much and develop a bad habit.
Conversation notes help too: It is definitely not wack to have conversation points/starters in the notes in your phone and when you're out somewhere no one is going to know you're checking your notes instead of social media or texting. When you're feeling shy, overwhelmed or a little bit anxious at an event or party, it's easy to forget your train of thought or become flustered and this is pretty foolproof. I can't remember how many times I've been out somewhere and am standing there awkwardly feeling like an weirdo, so I've started jotting down little networking speaking points and general open ended questions in my notes. I want to be able to start conversations with someone new instead of relying on someone to approach me. And when in conversation, I want to have those little reminders on things I could say to keep a conversation flowing or to steer the flow of the conversation on my own.
Acknowledging and embracing your shyness/social anxiety: Don't make yourself feel isolated and uncomfortable more by keeping everything inside. Part of our issue is overthinking. Acknowledge your social anxiety or shyness and accept it for what it is. Talk about it to your close friends or family, express yourself and let out your frustrations and issues. They could be having similar issues and can relate or they can help you and it's also practice with speaking out and having the mic, per say. Help people understand what's wrong instead of leaving them to guess and assume.
I hope these little tips can help alleviate some of your anxiety when out. Like or comment your opinions or if you have a trick or tip that helps you or someone you know, let me know too!
photo: courtesy of google.com. pictured: Actor, Michael Cera