Decoding Friendship
There’s been a shift in my friendships this year. I’ve really had to define friendship and what it means to me personally. I’ve noticed in general, many friendships seem to fall apart easily, too easily. Sometimes we are connected to people, in reality, in a different way in which we are in our minds. Many issues stem from a confusion of what’s reality or fact, and what is our interpretation of everything is, based on our own past experiences and emotions. That interpretation may be a tainted or distorted version of reality.
Once you really sit back with yourself and evaluate your relationships, you uncover which ones you value and which ones you can or desire to repair or reconcile (if needed). It saves bundles of energy and hours of time when you are honest about the foundation and basis of your relationships. When you know who fills you mentally, socially, intellectually, etc. the peace of mind you achieve is unmatched.
Some friendships are shallow. Some relationships you only have and continue, not because you want to or are making a conscious effort in doing so necessarily, but because you’re in a routine of doing so. Those types of relationships unfortunately become burdens after a while and eventually end terribly 9 out of 10 times. You’re just going with the motions instead of being involved emotionally. What should be quality time actually ends up being a chore. Some of my strongest relationships are ones that I can hardly remember the start of and with people that I really don’t have to see much or actually do anything with. Relationships that are low maintenance and that just because we don’t see one another often, doesn’t mean that the bond isn’t there. If you have to force a relationship or feel a [eternal] struggle maintaining it, something maybe ain’t right. I have friends that I can see every day and that night it feels like I haven’t seen them in so long- there’s just ease with them.
Socially, we gravitate to people who are exciting and fun to be around, but those aren’t the only valuable relationships or ones that we should allow to hold our attention over others. Especially if you are a naturally fun and outgoing person- you can and will have fun with just about anyone, so just because you can party with someone, that doesn’t make them your friend. That barely means you even like them or know who they are. There are levels to friendship. Just because you click with someone socially, doesn’t mean they have your best interest at heart or that you should trust them. I had to learn not to be so loose with the word “friend” and so trusting just because I got along with someone or because I was use to being around them. That was one lesson I learned the hard way. I’m really inviting, super chill and maybe too often, I roll with the punches. Having these traits put me in a situation where I became acquainted and grew a bit too comfortable and trusting around persons I shouldn’t have.
Two of those “friendships” perished recently and I can honestly say not that I’m not sad or mournful for them. Harsh as it may sound, but I could not care less. Unfortunately, I didn’t come to that realization until after all of the drama ensued. Arguing with persons I have no emotional bond with, no real personal connection with, for what? Relationships with no real depth past a good time, that were honestly disposable.
In that situation and quite early in the argument, I already deemed those relationships as disposable, but I allowed my ego to take the light. The ego is a mask: who you want to be seen as, in the eyes of others; an outer shell that you design. My ego wanted two things: 1. My ego wanted to indulge in the mess (because that’s all that it was) because I knew I was right and I sometimes find joy in being right. I’m a Sag, sue me! All of the drama could’ve been avoided if I checked my ego and ACT, more importantly, on the fact that I ultimately knew what the end result would be. And 2: My ego wanted to dispute not only because I felt I was right, but also because I didn’t want a failed friendship on my record or to “seem’ like a bad person, or bad friend rather, because that’s one of the things I pride myself in being. Despite all of the shit that was occurring, I still thought, maybe, just maybe, everything could’ve ended gracefully somehow and I could still keep my name clean.
I had to learn that wanting to end a “friendship” (that was honestly causing me loads of stress and anxiety) because it lacked depth and other characteristics I prefer my friends and friendships to have and expressing my feelings candidly, isn’t a bad thing and doesn’t make me a bad person- even when it hurts a few feelings; it makes me honest and that’s just who I naturally am.
It was a huge growing moment for me. I needed to finally face the fact that I don’t have control over how people perceive me and that they’re going to view me through their own lens however they see “fit”. That perception neither matters nor becomes true just because they may “see”…whatever. I had to release that need for control and realize that no matter my extensive efforts to explain myself, sugarcoat or break shit down to people, that I have very little say in how they comprehend or understand me and how I am. If doing what’s best for me and being honest leaves me with stains on my record, then f* it. And as a person who’s always believed “it’s not what you say, but how you say it”, I’ve also realized that most people will find an issue with what you say AND how you’ve said it (no matter what) if they don’t agree with that you’re saying. It’s no longer worth the risk of my sanity trying to maintain my ego’s need to be seen as a good friend or nice person, especially with any ole’ body. Therefore I’m done.
After I made my ego take a seat back with the group, I felt a balance restored- mentally and socially. I stopped watering faux foliage and I could put my energy and focus onto growing and nurturing real, healthy relationships. I’m not attending events out of obligation or guilt and I’m not running thin trying to divide my time between several different people trying to maintain a “good friend” image.
Mindfulness and recognition of your ego or whichever sector of your emotions may be tainting how you perceive, respond to, and attend to the people in your life works in conjunction with maintaining clarity and understanding. Don’t let pettiness or stubbornness stop you from mending or recognizing those of whom you need to maintain harmony within your spirit and don’t be too foolish or naive to speak up for yourself and cut bitches off when you need to.
It’s important to evaluate your relationships every now and again not just when you’re forced to face certain problems. Think about who you have in your life. How can you make the foundations stronger or are there any you should demolish? It can be a tough adjustment to make when you start to see relationships for what they are if they weigh out on the bad side but just know it’s worth the restoration of peace when you decide how to act. Knowing who to befriend, what kind of friend you are/need to be, what kind of friend you want/need to have, and actively establishing and nurturing those true bonds will create a routine for cultivating meaningful friendships.