My 9 Steps Towards Conflict Resolution- A Better Way To Argue
From screaming, “GIRL, WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY… ? “or “THAT’S NOT EVEN THE REAL PROBLEM HERE” at my tv while cringing at the fights between the stars of reality tv, to recalling times where I’ve become aggressively annoyed during disagreements with people over the years, it’s clear why simple matters are amplified to extremes and go undisputed for years, and that’s poor communication. We’ve all struggled with keeping our cool and talking problems out whether with a significant other, coworker, close friend or family member. Most problems can be solved with at least one party having the ability to articulate the real issues or a mediator present to referee and steer the conversation onto a better path. Communication is a tricky thing, however over time I have figured out what works for me, so it’s only right that I share with you. Alas, my 9 steps towards conflict resolution.
Cry, scream, punch a pillow, vent to a friend, or in a journal. Do whatever you need to do to feel each emotion to the max. The goal is to approach the next steps calmer and with a more level head. This may take a few hours or a few days, but take that time for yourself!
Communicate your need to take this time away, to whomever you’re having a disagreement with. Don’t just disappear for days. That creates more tension and reluctancy when you’re ready to talk when someone feels like they’ve been ignored, dismissed, and if they’re readiness to talk at that moment, didn’t matter.
Leave your feelings on your pillow, in your journal or friend’s inbox. Detaching your emotions is a major key to identifying why you are truly upset. One of the many times I practiced this step, I realized my tears weren’t connected to the action. Am I sad at this? …….No, I’m actually sad because… My emotions, in the end, were connected to my ego and unnecessary to dispute with someone else because that resolution could only be found within. If I would’ve begun an argument all gassed up with emotion, I would’ve been subconsciously projecting and any “solution” wouldn’t have been enough.
Now, what exactly has happened and how does it make you feel as a direct result? I learned how important this step was because it’s helped me as much as the other person. It’s a self-practice, that by exercising, helped me realize how I am affected by things, and why.
In this step, you organize your thoughts and figure out what it is you want to address because that’s the foundation of and the purpose of the argument. It’s easier to dissect what your issues are once you start to look at the situation in black and white.
Tip: When describing how you feel, try to sum the totality of your emotions into one-word adjectives. Ex. I feel *dismissed, *ignored, *pressured, *misunderstood, to promote clarity, not confusion.
I’ve also learned that simplifying my feelings makes them easier to convey and comprehend. Then if your counterpart needs clarity on one of those emotions, you can quickly and distinctively provide the causes/instances for the effect.
This step is so much easier once you’ve unattached (realistically, most, not all of) your feelings and identified the cause and effect because it allows you to remain calm and focused. You aren’t arguing while you’re feeling since you’ve already allowed yourself to feel, release, and detach from your emotions. Everything you need to say is simple and concise because we’ve already extracted what needs to be addressed and we aren’t clouded with momentary emotion.
I like to strip away anyone’s opportunity to focus on anything other than my words, like my emotion. I’m not “loud”, “crazy”, “dramatic”, “aggressive”, etc, so now what? Acknowledge what I’m saying because now I’ve made it easier for you. Don’t let ‘em gaslight you.
Don’t say more than what is significant to this conversation and this specific issue. There’s nothing left to say past the effect(s) that you’ve already communicated simply and clearly. Avoid speaking in circles and using unnecessary language. If you don’t, this can confuse and cloud your initial stance(s), cause counterproductive dialogue, and potentially reactivate those feelings you’ve released, prolonging the resolution process.
Remember, the less you say, the more is heard.
We all hate when after sending a long paragraph detailing how we feel and they end up addressing a lesser, off-topic part of your speech/text, this is the part where you eliminate the possibility of that deflection.
Allow your feelings and perspective to be digested and for the other person’s validation or rebuttal. This is also the part where you allow them to express their point-of-view. You essentially switch places because you both need to be heard. Don’t listen to defend yourselves, listen to understand. Keep in mind that everyone has a different perspective so lead with empathy and respect.
Tip: When listening to your counterpart speak, seek to even separate their issues from their emotions if they haven’t already for themselves. Once you’ve identified how to do this on your own, this is a skill you can employ to keep you and whomever on track in the midst of any argument.
My personal make or break. I’ve noticed that acknowledgment is a major hurdle for most people, but it’s the one thing that everyone seems to want and need. The confirmation that they’ve been heard. More meaningful than simply saying the words “I get it” or “I know how you feel” because it’s the action of those words.
The option to progress is absent until there’s a clear acknowledgment of your actions towards me. I don’t know if you’re aware of what you did unless you do. And that awareness is most important to me. More important than the “moving forward”. We can go forward, but are we really if you don’t know how you’ve harmed me, to ensure it doesn’t happen again? Time can go on, but that’s not the same as progression. And if the circumstance were to repeat itself, I’ll at least I know that it wasn’t a “mistake” or that you weren’t intentionally making a decision that would cause me harm. Whew chile, I’ve held out LONG until I received my acknowledgment too. “I just want to get past this” to me, says ‘I want you to get over this so I don’t have to deal with the repercussions of my actions. I don’t think I was wrong so I’m not admitting to or care to recognize something that I “didn’t do”’, despite me being obviously affected by what you did. Acknowledgment is a major part of taking accountability.
No matter what side you’re on (right or wrong) acknowledge the feelings of your counterpart and acknowledge what you’ve done to contribute to this disagreement between you two. Both perspectives need to be acknowledged for fairness’ sake.
After you’ve heard one another out, go directly into the specific ways your issue(s) can be resolved. What will make you feel better? What can reasonably be done in order for you to move forward harmoniously without angst or animosity?
Too, think about if your resolution is achievable. Be realistic about what you need and the timeframe it’ll take. Be open and willing with all of the patience needed, to make strides in progression. Your counterpart may need help so be able to work together without condemning or criticizing their efforts. Compromise is important. Finding you middle-ground, a common resolution that works you both you will work better than one imposed on one, by the other.
Now, this one is the game-changer *cues Queen Radio explosion*
Once you both have identified what you need to resolve your individual problem(s) and have vowed to move forward, MOVE ON. Don’t dredge up this situation or the emotions surrounding it anymore unless it is used to support a new issue, but even then, don’t dwell on the emotions, simply recall the affects and communicate the relevance and parallels of the two situations and how they display a pattern of behavior that’s detrimental to your relationship. In the meantime, you have to forget. You have to get over it. Keep Push the thoughts far from your mind. You can’t move on harboring emotions and allowing them to rent out your pre-frontal lobe like a Miami Airbnb in the summer. It’s unhealthy, and it’s stifling to any progress you want to make.
I could get into some real tea about the things I’ve forgiven and forgotten, but I’ve since reconciled with those individuals and have great relationships, so I won’t disclose lol. When we want to get through hurdles with someone, we have to overcome personal obstacles alongside the general ones like communication. We have to do the dirty work and ask ourselves if we are also contributing to the problem. It may be easier or more appealing in that moment to hold onto that grudge or to cut that person out of our lives, but when that person is worth it, or when it’s needed, you just have to. And hopefully any one or all of these steps can help.
I know some of you are like ‘but every time I think about it, I JUST GET…”. Listen, don’t think about what’s happened, focus on the now because once you choose to step into this conversation, it’s stepping onward, not backward.