Advice Archive: Breaking Up With The Perfect Guy

April 2020

Name / Age: Candace 23
Message: Hello! I hope you’re staying safe & busy on this quarantine. I need advice on whether or not I’m going through a “phase”. Me & my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. He’s as sweet as can be, a true gentleman, has a good paying job, NEVER cheats in the slightest, his own spot, own car, things some girls would literally kill for. The thing is... I don’t want him anymore. Am I so used to toxic relationships & chaos that I’m pushing this good man away because it’s too boring? Or do I truly not love him? I could go days without talking to him. Only thing that is stopping me from breaking up with him is that I don’t want to break his heart... help please :(

Hey Candace,

Whew chile…

Okay so, let me give some “breakup with him criteria” first:

1. You are no longer interested in having sex with him, like AT ALL.
2. You don’t care to spend quality time with him.
3. You don’t care to talk to him like at all.
4. You don’t feel close to him anymore, or a desire to be close
5. If he cheated on you, you wouldn’t be hurt (not your ego, but your heart).
6. If you broke up with him, he wouldn’t be missed.
7. If you guys broke up you truly wouldn’t regret it.

If the answers to these questions are “yes” or you agree with, break up with him. If not, then maybe this is just a phase.

I believe boring can be fixed, or at least worked with enough until its possible to tell distinctively that it’s dead. I think there are instances where many of us are use to the chaos of toxic pairings we have anxiety when there isn’t any problem so we unconsciously cause one, we are use to the adrenaline rush we get from those toxic pairings, or we just feel powerless or unmotivated to find a solution when the relationship is lacking that fire, those butterflies. Really sit and figure this out- whether or not you can check off all or majority of the things on that criteria list to break up with him and why.

He is undeniably a catch compared to the men out here. Single life is so trash, believe me. I wouldn’t jump the gun and end things until I really know I can end things without regretting later, after exhausting all possibilities to fix or rekindle that spark (romance, share new experiences, exploring sexually, gifts, exploring intimacy and vulnerability, etc.) I have no desire to be in a boring relationship so I’m all for you relinquishing yourself from this union, just make sure that if you do, it’s what you really want. The questions above should guide you in the proper direction of making a decision.

I hope this advice helps you. -K