Advice Archive: Should I Change My Hair For My BFF's Wedding?

April 2020

Name: Nicole Jackson

Message: So I have a best friend that’s getting married and I am in the wedding. We are to wear our hair in a slick back long ponytail. She has already set up appointment times for each of us with stylist. She said we are getting our hair blow dried and flat ironed. She’s natural but only wears her hair flat ironed or in weaves. I have been natural (no heat at all ) for 3 years now to get my hair back healthy with my curl pattern. I don’t know if I’m overacting by not wanting heat on my hair or if I should do it just for this one day although it could possibly damage my hair. I want to be a good friend but I also take pride in my natural hair and not putting heat on it. Is it really just hair?!!

Hey Nicole,

Our hair means a lot to us as women. I’m natural as well and I know the struggles of styling and trying to maintain health. It’s HARD AF. First finding a regimen that works specifically with your hair type and then being consistent enough to maintain it’s health. Risking damage is a lot as a natural women who takes pride in wearing her natural curls out, to jeopardize just for one day. (a day that’s not even yours). If it’s “just hair” to her, than she has to keep that same energy and apply it to herself. It’s “just hair” and she should be fine with you finding a healthy alternative. But if she’s insisting for this style, then it’s not “just hair” and as much as she wants you to bend for her, she needs to bend for you. She isn’t effected by your hair being damaged at all, which is why it’s easy for her to say, and because she heat styles regularly so she doesn’t share the same passion as you (which is selfish). You guys should work together in finding another style for you, one that you’re both happy with. You can literally have that same style, but the natural version! Instead of it being straightened, you can have a low curly ponytail- even with a side part and a swoop! I think that’s a great alternative. It’s essentially the same style, just a different method. I wouldn’t straighten my hair and risk it. I had a leave out last summer and it was effected by me applying heat to maintain. I feel that heartache every time I look and see the difference in my curls. And it takes a long time to repair that damage or regrow those curls. You’re not the bad friend here because you clearly want to make her happy, enough to be considering it (because I wouldn’t). If she genuinely wants you a part of her wedding, she should be able to put vanity aside and work with her friend to keep her happily in the bridal party. Period.

I hope this advice helps you. -K