Advice Archive: Meeting My New Boo's Friends Is Giving Me Anxiety

January 2021

Name / Age: Dess H.

Message: Happy New Year!! Thank you for the advice through the years. I recently started dating again after a very toxic relationship. it’s been almost a year and it’s soo healthy and refreshing. My only problem is I have super anxiety when it comes to meeting/going around his people or going to his friends events. In my last relationship his friends and family made me feel so uneasy so I started to shy away from going around his people. And it seems that I brought that into my new relationship. He has even asked why I don’t show up for him like he shows up for me and my people. I haven’t expressed to him how toxic my last relationship was because I was taught to never tell your new man what you went through with the last one. I don’t think I have social anxiety because I’m social and I love being social. It’s just something about going around his people/friends that gives me major anxiety and I know for a fact that his people is nothing like my ex’s people. Any advice?

Hey Dess H. / Anxiety

Firstly, I’m so happy for you! Finding happiness, security, affection, and love is amazing, but after a toxic relationship, the feeling of gratitude and over-the-heels-ness is much more abundant. I love that for you!

You need to tell that man. Not about the ins and outs of your last relationship wholely, but just the parts that relate to his friends. This is a big thing for both of you and I foresee it creating unnecessary problems. Problems that you can avoid. It’ll be deep for you to relive because of the trauma it imprinted on you, but it’ll bring you guys closer and show him that you aren’t not trying to be around his friends, it’s just that you have anxiety over it from a past experience. He’ll, instead of speculating about your reasons or creating a narrative for you, have the correct answers and have a better opportunity to navigate this with you. You guys can create a solution whether it’s a pep-talk, (one that you wouldn’t have received if he’s unaware of you needing one) you meeting his friends one at a time, at a setting you choose + feel the most comfortable, etc. You don’t have to be very specific if you don’t feel comfortable dredging up your past, but challenge yourself to speak openly and transparent with him where it’s relevant to your current relationship. Your feelings are relevant even if the situation isn’t. Explain to him the effect that it has had on you and why meeting his friends/family triggers you. He should understand. If not, he’ll at least have the facts and how you choose to deal with your anxiety is now your business, if he doesn’t help. It’ll also be an important test in your relationship for communication, mental health, cooperation, etc. Very important things for a couple to navigate together. And will challenge you guys in a good way. He should be holding your hand through this and helping you every step of the way.

You can do this! This is great for you to confront and learn how to heal through.

I hope this advice helps you. -K