Advice Archive: I Don't Like My Friends
November 2020
Name: Cookie Hayes
Message: I have a friend who I love and appreciate dearly. But there is something in her that doesn't sit well with my spirit. This is the second time in our relationship where I have felt the need to distance myself from her. I think it's me. Maybe I'm secretly jealous of her of confidence and happiness? Am I a hater deep down? We've had conversations about me distancing myself (unwarranted) from her in the past and that hasn't really fixed much. I don't want to dislike my friend but I do. What do I do?
Pt. II Message: She cut me off back in March because she felt like I was doing a piss poor job being her friend. We didn't talk for 5 months. In an effort to repair our relationship, I invited her to my birthday in Philadelphia in September. When we got back home, she invited me to dinner to express her disapproval of my behavior on my birthday--saying that I was too drunk, overly sexual, disrespectful and I disregarding her feelings. All I was really guilty was dancing on pool table, and making some sexual jokes. She gets drunk on her birthday... calls me a bitch, a slut, and a sorry ass excuse for a friend. She said this after we've been spending the past few months repairing our relationship. Is this a relationship worth saving?
Hey Cookie,
Why don’t you like your friend? That’s the simplest and most important question you have to answer for yourself. Make a list or journal about it, but truly sit and break down the things you don’t like about her as a person and/or your friendship with her. Also ask yourself why do you want to be friends with her. It’s easy to remain in a friendship with someone out of comfort and familiarity. You’re just use to there being an “us” but you don’t stop to think, “do we really work?” “Is this relationship meaningful to me?” Ask all of those questions. When you distance yourself from her, why is that? What emotions prompt your need to put distance between you two? Your relationship with her isn’t going to work (no matter how many conversations you have with her) if you don’t know what about her you really like and dislike. Are you a hater? If you’re happy with her unhappiness, find yourself discrediting her achievements, trying to humble her, bring her down, or are unsupportive etc.? Then yep, you are definitely a hater. It’s normal to envy the amazing things others have, material and immaterial like, personality traits, but that envy doesn’t have to make you act out towards her in a negative and harmful way. You can be envious of someone and still be happy for them regarding the things you envy about them. Envy is just you wanting what they have. That’s fine. You just have to navigate it in healthy way. Be able push through it. That begins with self love and accountability. By developing yourself and becoming the person you want to be, instead of being stagnant, unhappy and jealous. Be the best you, just as they are. Become the things you love, enjoy, admire etc. Go out and acquire the things you yearn for. When you experience these feelings you can’t allow them to change how you are towards someone, especially your close friend. With her feeling like you were/are being a terrible friend to her, that makes me believe you are in fact allowing those feelings of envy and insecurity effect how you act towards her and that’s not okay. Until you are happy with who you are and are able to control your emotions, it will bring chaos in your friendship and that chaos will spread and cause so much damage. You both will continue being unhappy with one another and resentment will grow. More, because I’m sure it’s already there. So, I say no, you shouldn’t be friends anymore. And on the other side, she then insults you terribly on her birthday. Yea, I don’t think you two really like each other. Because I believe if you did, y’all wouldn’t say such mean and hurtful shit to one another. The negative seems to be more powerful than the positive. Which makes me question if there even is any positive?
In the end of your dilemma you literally say, “I don’t want to dislike my friend, but I do”. That’s all you need right there. There’s no reason to stay friends with someone you don’t like.
I hope this advice helps you. -K
