Advice Archive: He's Too Distant And It's Making Me Feel Clingy

May 2019

Name: Sabrina

Message: My guy and I have been dating for a couple of years. These years have not been the most perfect years but we are growing and learning. My problem is that my guy is tooo distant, and it makes me feel needy. He doesn’t text or calls me much when I mention this to him he simply claims that he just doesn’t have anything to talk about and he doesn’t want to be on the phone all day. This isn’t what I’m asking for, what’s wrong with a good morning, how’s your day going, I thought about this, what you doing, calling to see ya... something like that. This gets me because when we are together it’s cool we would spend 2-3 days together. we talk, we laugh, we fuck, all the good shit. But soon as we go our separate ways, he is absent and I hateeeee it. Nobody how much I say something it never changes. What are your thoughts? Should I give him his space or should I walk away and focus on myself?

Hey Sabrina,

I definitely don’t think you should walk away from him off of this issue alone. I do feel like there are small pieces of this puzzle I need to know to grasp the full picture, but off the bat, I don’t think this is an issue that is worthy of walking away. I feel like people who are willing to learn and adapt, can, and that if you work with him long enough he can change. Maybe setting the tone and being the lead in initiating this communication style will help more- get him to use to it. Maybe he is truly uninterested in talking on the phone. Maybe this is just something you have to take the lead on. If he obliges when you do, that’s still effort on his part. It would be a waste to dissolve this relationship because of that- it seems so minor. Back in the day before everyone had phones attached to their palms and no one was accessible unless they were at home, how would you survive? Our parents and elders couldn’t talk to each other throughout the day and some of those relationships are the strongest. I say adapt. If you want to talk to him at some point throughout the day, just call or text him. Even then, we have jobs, stressors, and general things that occupy us throughout the day. I always say, one call at night to recap your day is good enough and one text in the morning to start the day. That way there’s more excitement, more mystery, more enthusiasm, and more anticipation when you finally talk! If he can at least agree to do that, that should be enough. BUT SIS, if he can’t even make that effort, do you. If he can’t understand or he doesn’t care to understand that some communication between the time you guys see each other is important, especially to you, do you. It’s a completely different story if they are unwilling to adapt, even when you meet them halfway with a solution that works for you both, like the compromise I suggested above and him obliging your efforts to communicate. Complete dead silence is totally unacceptable. If the latter is the case, give him all of the space he needs, and only entertain him when you want and on your terms. Do you feel like you’re wasting years dealing with him with this issue or do you feel that despite the lack of communication when you aren’t together, what you have is worth the effort and worth staying together? It’s truly about what is important for you to have and his willingness to provide that, at least halfway. If this is a deal-breaker for you and you can’t compromise or he doesn’t want to work with you on small ways to better your communication, move on and find someone who can work with you. Relationships are about compromise and teamwork.

Also, you should always be focusing on you and what’s in your best interest, with a man or not. You can do both. Remember that.

I hope this advice helps you. -K