Advice Archive: When Do I Drop My Roster?

Nov. 17, 2017

Name/Age: Tee Bee, 23

Message: Hey girl! So l want to know when is it the right time to cut other guys off when you’re dating someone? If we aren’t exclusive but we go out every day, talk every day, have had intercourse would it be wrong to still talk to other guys or not being as tho we aren’t in a relationship. I’ve caught myself actually cutting guys off because l only “talk” to someone and then we end up not working out so l kinda “lost out”. l sometimes feel like l shouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket because I'm single but then when l feel like I’ve met a decent guy l don’t wanna be messy l kinda wanna give all my attention to that particular guy.

 Hey Tee Bee, Dating

I think you should cut guys off based on the relationship between you and that one guy, not a time frame. When you move off of a time frame or an ideal and not the actual persons involved and the feelings involved, I feel like that makes room for misunderstandings and misinterpretations. For example, you cut all of the guys you're dating off because you really really like this one guy you've been dating for 6 months because of that idea that you should have cut everyone off when in fact if you move off of the energy or motive of the guy who you're dating, and lets say he actually isn't feeling as serious as you are or have no intentions on making things monogamous, you're going to find out that you've "lost out" with these other guys. Makes sense?

 Whether or not it is wrong, I feel it is also based on the persons involved. If you're dealing with a guy who is only interested in dating and not working toward a commitment or is has split focus between other women he's dating, then it isn't wrong, it's the situation. If you're dealing with a guy that's serious about you, wants more, or is in fact also only dating you, in that situation dealing with other men may definitively be wrong because it would be hurtful to the guy you're dating which is wrong. 

 Also, make sure you don't fall into one of those "situationships". To do that, don't follow the flow to a point where things are happening and words aren't being spoken. Don't assume based on ideals or the "rules" you see floating around on social media or even between your circle of friends. You don't have to be in a relationship necessarily, just get clarity and try to weed out the intentions of the guy that you're really feelin'. If he seems serious and his actions match then, yes both of you cut everyone off as you should. If he doesn't seem serious and seems like he's avoiding having something serious or at least set enough where you two have an understanding, then I would still date other men and would even contemplate cutting him off, but that depends on what you want and how serious you want everything. I can say that if you've been dating any guy you really like for at least 4 months, in my opinion, he should know whether or not he wants just you or not then you should move accordingly. Even if you feel like you've met a decent guy, don't put all of your eggs into his basket because just because he's decent doesn't mean your wants and intentions are aligned. Make sure you're giving all of your attention to a guy who is truly deserving of it.

I hope this advice helps you. -K