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Hi Spree 23 Brown,

I don’t think there is anything wrong with how you feel. It’s your right to feel this way just as it’s your life to live how you feel is best for you. I don’t have traditional views on family and I feel like it’s not your obligation to remain loyal or attached to anyone that isn’t good for or to you, including family. We are born into circumstances and situations, not of our choosing. How our life turns out is, for the most part, 100% our choosing. I think you can curate the perfect family on your own with people you meet throughout your lifetime. Family is your community and your community can be your family. I think that you should separate from anyone who isn’t good for you, however, I don’t think you should first sit and think about all of the reasons you’d separate yourself from your family and make sure all of the reasons carry a significant amount of weight to support your decision. You’ve only named your sexuality and the acceptance of it as your reason. While that is a solid reason, I can’t say that is a solid enough reason for me, so I can’t say to you that that is enough. It’s a great start on your list of reasons, for sure. In addition to the list of reasons, I’d also say determine who you’d want to cut off. Is it every single person or just a few? Maybe there are one or two redeemable qualities if you both put in the work to understand one another better. If so, I think having one or two ties to your bloodline/your roots, can’t hurt. I say all of this because I wouldn’t want you to regret your decision in the future. I want to express the importance of thinking out your decision entirely.

At no point am I saying this isn’t something you’ve thought out thoroughly, I’m only crossing my t’s as the girl who only has a paragraph’s worth of context, lol. I support your decision, and with all major choices, one must go through every pro, con, and potential cause and effect before moving forward.

In addition to ensuring you have done your due diligence to support your decision to go no contact, you need to think through all of the reasons ‘why’, because those reasons will help you to establish the blueprint of your ideal family/community. The more you understand this family, the more you can understand your chosen family and what and who it will take for you to feel whole and satisfied within that dynamic.

I hope this advice helps you! Please let me know if you have any thoughts as well!

-K

Hi Dess!

I missed hearing from you girly! Thank you; it does feel good to be back!

Okay, so let’s get into this. You are too generous. And that is not a bad thing at all, BUT unfortunately, people are not as pure or as genuine so you will be used without a second thought. You have a very sunny and inviting disposition and leaches can pick up on that. It’s nothing you need to change, you only have to be very careful and practice discernment when meeting new people or even when dealing with those you’ve known. There’s no timeframe on people taking advantage- it can be immediate with new people or it can be over time with those who see you as beneficial to them. What you have to look for and demand is reciprocation. Reciprocity is the only true appreciation. A “thank you” is cute, and acceptable when giving to someone who’s less fortunate, but for the most part, at this big age, anyone and everyone should be able to return the same generosity you give them. The effort and importance of pouring into you the same way you pour into them must be present and a priority. This goes for time, energy, and money. Love too.

I’m not the girl that asks men for things because I have always had brothers so I just don’t have that much practice, but I am not oppose to asking. Especially when it’s someone in your life that has or would ask you for something in the blink of an eye. You can tell a person’s intentions and nature by their response to you asking for something.

Start small in the practice of asking. I like to start with lunch. I’ll text my best friend or a guy I’m talking to like “want to treat me to lunch today? :)” something light and casual. Use that as a feeler to see how open they are to giving. Ask for help with general things, even if it isn’t financial per se. Acts of service is a way for someone to reciprocate the energy. It’s also an opportunity for them to give even if they are financially incapable. Time is very expensive. Don’t be afraid to ask for favors and assistance.

Demand reciprocity, ask, say no (without explanation), and stay away from sharing what you’ve provided for others. Even if it regarding someone else and not the person you are sharing with, them knowing you are open to giving will create a runway and a leach will happily walk it. Be intentional with creating this boundary and enforce it at every turn in order to protect yourself. Until you know without a doubt and only by experience, that someone will do for you, don’t.

You only feel like shit when you say no because of your compassion for others. The feeling of guilt is also common for those who are people pleasers and who have some trauma linked to always a mother figure, a nurturer, or provider. I don’t and wouldn’t know if it’s that deeply rooted for you personally, but I would ponder the root of your giving and try to understand what the link is. This is an amazing subject to journal about!

I hope this advice helps you!

With love, -K

Hey Di Parker,

Your best friend is obviously envious of you living your best life. Envy is a normal emotion to feel, she just has to manage it better. Her actions aren’t how you show up as a friend; she’s showing up as a hater. I wonder if she's aware of how the things that she’s saying is coming off…

If you haven’t already, I’d approach her with a very open conversation. Not to accuse or confront her, only to understand if she’s aware of the judgement she’s passing on you or the negativity she is seemingly spewing and why? Because if it were a situation where you were being dogged out and played by the guy, we could easily understand her not being happy for the situation her friend (you) is in. But this is a scenario that is working out lovely in your favor. You are being treated exactly how you want and this style of relationship is satisfying you in every way.

So what’s her deal? I would approach this conversation with her, a little like this…
“hey, when you say things like {insert}, it feels like you are judging me and my choices. And because it feels like judgement, it makes me feel {insert}.”

You can also say something like:

“I understand that we are different and you would maybe do things differently than me, but are you aware of how it sounds/seems when you say things like {insert}? I would appreciate it, if you stop saying things like {insert} because it feels like you are intentionally speaking down to me, and I hope not because as friends, there’s no room for judgement and ridicule. We should be able to accept and support each other even if we don’t agree with the other’s choices. And if I’m happy in this friendship with him, you shouldn’t constantly have negative things to say about it. It doesn’t feel like you are happy for or are supportive of me.”

The key to having this conversation productively is to remain calm, don’t accuse her of doing anything and simply tell her what she’s saying and how you are interpreting it and feeling, as a result. You can even ask her if she means to come off xyz way. Because even though it’s giving hater, it could be unintentional. She might just need a cute little pink Barbie mirror held up to her face so she can see that’s she coming off like an asshole and hopefully change (for the sake of your friendship). We act on emotion as human beings so much and it’s hard to see clearly though such strong clouds of emotion. Jealousy is nasty, but it’s a natural emotion, nonetheless. We all feel it, so lets give her some grace (for right now) and try to find resolution before we find scissors.

Besides all of that, I love this for you!! Meaningful satisfying relationships can look a myriad of ways; I’m happy you have exactly what you want and are enjoying yourself!!

Please give me an update on how this conversation goes!

I hope this advice helps you.

-K

Hey Marnay,

Overthinking how he feels about you after having sex, is counterproductive because you can never guess how someone feels about you, and most of the time it’s not really, or shouldn’t be, your concern at all. It’s their concern and responsibility to communicate either verbally or non-verbally, how they feel about you.

A man, or anyone else, will think what they want about you, no matter what you do, and that’s based on their mindset, whatever that may be. You have no control over it and 9 times out of 10 there’s nothing you can do to prevent or change about their mind.

What I think you’d be better to focus on is how you feel about having sex on the first night. This being one of your first thoughts, makes me feel like you consider yourself or anyone who has sex on the first night a “hoe”. How would you define a hoe or hoe behavior? If you want to define it at all. Me? I don’t consider a hoe as a woman who exerts her sexuality or desire for sex. I don’t really put much meaning into the word hoe at all. Because somebody only made that shit up to pass judgement on someone else for what isn’t their business in the first place.

If you wanted to have sex with him, enjoy sex with him! Or any other man or person. That just makes you a girl who wanted to have sex and chose to do just that. And I love to see it!

What I think you’d be better to focus on is making sure you make the best decision for yourself. I’ve had sex in weeks, months, years, after meeting someone. My timeline isn’t strict and it changes depending on the person and depending on ME. Some men I wanted to wait, some men I didn’t want to. I make my decision based on how comfortable I am with that person and how strong my desire to have sex is. Ultimately, I act when the decision to have sex is 100% mine; without any coercion or pressure. When I can say, no matter how this encounter with him turns out, I don’t regret making the choice to have sex because at the end of the day, it’s what I wanted and I do whatever I want, regardless of what someone else thinks or feels.

You’re 23 and you’re exploring and figuring out these things. Talk to yourself and understand what your view on sex is. Once you have settled on what your opinion is surrounding it, there’s no reason or concern about how someone else feels about it.

Please my love practice safe sex for your sake and your partner’s sake.

And have fun!!

I hope this advice helps you!

-K

Hey Lizha, Make some shake

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making a situation mutually beneficial. I think it’s best that you either do that or give without intending to receive, to prevent resentment from building up, from feeling as if you’re being used or have been made obligated to do something you don’t find pleasing or wouldn’t otherwise do if it not being a favor for someone out of generosity. Create a few goals for yourself while you’re out there to pass the time and make your time out there worthwhile. Be it socially, and just enjoying yourself, or goals like the ones you’ve mentioned: getting your license and finding a job. Sometimes you can’t help or change the situation you find yourself in, so it’s good to develop the skill of blocking outside deterrents and remaining focused on yourself and the larger picture. You’re right, you have to be careful around people who have a negative draining energy about them who may want to take from you without anything to give. You have to find where the benefits lie, all on your own. Even if it’s just a change of scenery or whatever else. At the end of it all you’re only there because you agree to help your cousin, not the other way around. So, if anyone gets chirpy, I would quickly remind them of that fact. It doesn’t hurt to help though so just tough it out while you’re there. If you change your outlook, you shift your perspective and subsequently your feelings on any situation. See it from a positive viewpoint. One where you aren’t contributing to your own emotional anguish.

For example, I could easily make myself miserable waking up everyday saying to myself “I hate my job. I’m tired. I could be doing…” so instead, I speak positively about my situation creating the new narrative, “this job isn’t that bad. I actually have cool coworkers. It ain’t that hard and at the end of the day I get paid for my time here”. Even though it’s not my passion and I’d prefer to be in another situation, it’s not the worst situation to be in. I actually don’t hate my job. Sometimes you have to focus your energy on the positives instead of making your own situation worse than it is by how you choose to look at it. Be sure not to cast the wrong spell on your life. Words are powerful.

If you can babysit, do so. Look to be more empathetic- your cousin must really need the help and is just tired. At the end of the day, your time there is temporary and soon enough you will be gone. It never hurts to help someone, even if the person is ungrateful and unappreciative, because you still put something good out into the world and that’s never a bad thing. Don’t turn yourself resentful and bitter, making your time there, drag along miserably and wastefully.

I hope this advice helps you! -K

Hey Blonk Moore, Dating life/drama

Firstly, we can’t assume he knows how you feel. And more importantly he can’t be held accountable or at fault for feelings you haven’t been open about, no matter if you think he might know. He doesn’t until he does. Period. You know damn well you can’t be mad at him sis! And you also know that you don’t have the right to be mad at him dating someone when he’s a single man. You’re also a single woman despite your feelings for him. Y’all are friends with benefits babe. Maybe I don’t have enough info, but from what you told me, he absolutely did not play with you. Your ego seems to be bruised and you have a bit of jealousy going on. Which is expected. But that’s on you to navigate through, not him. If you like him, tell him; talk to him to see if y’all can actually begin officially dating/working towards a monogamous relationship. That’s the start of you (us lol) figuring out what you should do. All of this is “shoulda, coulda, woulda” until you begin dealing with facts and truth. If he does want to develop more with you, you know how to proceed. If he doesn’t, you have to decide whether or not you can continue being FYB with your feelings being attached, if that’s what you want. Or if you’d rather cut ties altogether and move on from him. Lets start with getting everything out into the open. Don’t be loud and wrong boo. Go to him cool, calm, and collected and simply ask him if he’d be interested in developing a more substantial relationship with you.

Let me know how it goes!

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Kinda Mad, Invasion of privacy

Parents seem to forget, or better yet disregard, the fact that their children should have their own sense of autonomy. You are your own person that has a right to create boundaries, have your privacy and separate life that doesn’t involve or include her, make your own decisions, command respect, etc.

There isn’t anything you can do to change the fact that she knows everything you’ve journaled about, but take comfort in the fact that that’s where it ends. The person you were from that day on forward, she, unfortunately, doesn’t have access to or the privilege of knowing. That is unless she corrects her behavior. You can regain your control back by establishing your boundaries moving forward from that day you found your writing sprawled across the bed. Also, take pride in who you are. Yes, she knows, but so. You have nothing to be ashamed of, to hide. Stand proud of who you are on those pages. Let that be another way you regain control over yourself, by fully embracing everything she’s read and knows. You are growing and you’ll become even more. She can know who you are moving forward, or she won’t. That’s your power. But she first, has to earn it. What she has to do, is up to you. Whether you confront her now, or later when she tries to be involved or comment on who you are as a person. You begin creating that stable base for yourself first by establishing and enforcing your boundaries with her. That will cover the mental and spiritual aspects. Do whatever you have to do to remain balanced and at peace emotionally- mind, body, soul. Allow her to help you because she owes you that. Depending on your financial situation, I may want to save the money I’d spend on a temporary place and find your permanent spot. Her energy there is only temporary. As soon as she leaves, your space is fully yours to inhabit how you choose. Grab yourself some sage and cleanse your space of all negativity while setting your intentions for your space. Buy a new set of journals and move forward as a fully independent being. You are absolutely correct in the fact that you will need people. But who those people are, is totally up to you. It can be her, another relative, or a good friend (or friends), new or old. Try not to fixate on not having to depend on one person, but more so on making sure if it’s one person or several, that they are undoubtedly trustworthy, dependable, and embody all of the characteristics you desire.

I hope this advice helps you. If you’d like to move forward with a virtual session, email me at contact-k@candidly.com

-K

Hey Jala Battle / Orders|Rules,

PODCAST?! Omg please tell me which one and which episode!!

I think the main issue separating you explaining versus ordering him, is the tone and the word choice. Instead of directing him to do things how you want them done, whatever order or however way, leave it open for him to do his way. If something is time crucial instead of saying “come right back” maybe saying “can you drop some water off before you start running your errands?” That gives him the option to do so versus you making it sound mandatory. And hopefully, he takes that “option” to do so and prioritizes what you need from him. I feel like he may just want the option to do things his way. I understand how tedious it is to have someone seemingly defying you just because. Or having someone make things that are supposed to be simple, soooo hard, BUT I also understand all too well how it feels to constantly be ordered and directed to do things on someone else’s time, or a way someone else wants it done. My mom is extremely demanding and micro-managing. Half of the things she tells me to do that I don’t do or fight against, I would willingly do if she just asked me the right way or allowed me the elbow room to do it my way or on my time. It’s simply that freedom, independence, respect, and trust that’s important. He’s competent and capable, and willing. Just instead of telling him what to do, just ask him if he can and see what he does willingly. It’ll also be very telling on his part, what he’d do for you. Hopefully, he’s not challenging you for the sake of doing so. I know for me, demands, or something I perceive as an order, or being sensitive to people’s tones when they’re telling me to do something, is due to my personal trauma with being spoken to poorly growing up; as if I wasn’t capable, wasn’t smart enough to make decisions for myself and as if I actually needed constant direction, which was all false. Try switching up your wording a bit to see if that helps. Allow him the option to move freely and if you need something done a certain way, still ask if he can do it that way, but also explain why so that it’s not perceived as something you want him to do your way for the sake of it being how you want it. Does that make sense? Explaining to him the importance of it being done in a specific way or why or how it’s time crucial.

Also, if you haven’t already, ask him why does it seem like you’re ordering him around. And really listen to what he may need you to do to feel better out how he’s spoken to.

I hope this advice helps you. And I hope he isn’t just being a defiant asshole for fun. If that’s the case you may need a new man. It’s giving toddler.

Let me know how it goes! -K

Hey Ti / Getting too comfy,

Uh-uhnnnnn honey, this is soooo inappropriate of him. Of course men always like to disguise their creep. I think you are going in the right direction with stopping him right in his tracks before it gets too far and you become more uncomfortable to a point where you’d have to go above him to report something or you’d have to approach him in an aggressive defensive way. I think it’s best that you do it casually through text. No “lol” at the end to sugarcoat thought. Fuck that. Because an idiot looking for an excuse will try to warp your reaction to his comments as “joking” and you’re dead serious. It’s also good to state it in plain text to keep clear receipts. This is a great opportunity for you to learn and I’m excited for your new career journey. We are not letting his ass ruin this opportunity for you. The next time he sends you something inappropriate through text or even at work, let him know that he is walking on the very fine line of professionalism and you’re going to need him to get back on the other side and stay there.

This can be tricky to weather in the workplace but it’s always better to establish strong boundaries in the beginning to avoid confusion in the future. Use clear words. This is a serious matter than you can, should and will handle straightforward so he gets the fullllll picture. There is honestly no need for you two to even contact each other outside of work unless it’s purely work related. Any message you receive from him should be strictly work related and if not, IGNORE. Strategically deciding which messages from him you reply to and ignore will also help you maintain and enforce your work boundaries with him. You do not need to have a personal or casual work relationship with him to strive. It an be very professional and friendly. Remember to create your boundaries with colleagues early.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Liana! / 20

You have to become confident and comfortable with who you are. How others perceive you, you can’t control and you shouldn’t overthink about. When you look in the mirror you have to love what you see. No matter if you’re a tomboy or a girly girl, gay or straight, if someone finds you attractive, they find you attractive. I understand how you feel. However, who you are is more important than who other people think you are or who you appear to be. If you’re straight, you know you are. If you’re bisexual or pansexual, you know you are. You’re sexual orientation isn’t determined by the people who’re attracted to you, it’s determined by the people you’re attracted to. Women who are tomboyish or who are masculine, are unfortunately sometimes prejudged by those who are ignorant to people simply being themselves, so they want to label or classify someone and their sexual orientation and whatever other category they choose to focus on. That’s them. They care to do that for whatever reason. It really shouldn’t matter to those people who you’re attracted to or what your sexual preferences are. 

But you’re issue is appearing to be one way when you are another way. Babe, that’s so out of your control. Because people will view you in the lens they choose no matter what you do. There’s nothing wrong with changing your image or style as long as the image you’re displaying is true to who you are internally. Don’t create an image or dress a certain way for appearances sake and for others. Create an image that’s a direct reflection of your spirit, you’re soul. You have to be happy with what you look like. Don’t work to please or appeal to anyone else. Please. Focus on being true to yourself, your wants, needs and desires. You don’t care by saying fuck everyone else. Period. It will take some redirection and it’s a journey to self love. You will go off course sometimes, but it’s important that you have the strength and the will to realign yourself with you’re specific path. Don’t rely too much on the opinions of others. Develop the ability to make your own choices and decide things for yourself. You’re at the beginning of your life as an adult. This is the time where you begin to define things for yourself. This is where you lay the ground work for the person you want to be in the future. This is the time where you begin to learn who you are by life’s challenges. When life poses a question to you, you have to have an answer. You have to determine what that answer is. That answer is up to you and no one else. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jaye! / Soul Tie

I can’t speak to whether or not it’s a soul tie because I of course don’t know the deep bond that you may have had with her at some point in your friendship. But what I do know is simple, that there’s a strong attachment to her. Which is expected with a close friend. You’re use to having her in your life. You guys were friends for at the least, 10 years, and it’s hard adjusting to no longer being in your life. What makes it harder is not having a specific, justifiable, reason to attach to why you are no longer friends, like a backstabbing for example. It’s just a clash of personalities which is always harder to swallow because, at least for me, that type of “issue” should be resolvable, in my mind. We should adapt and make it work with one another. It should be something that, if both people made the commitment to make it work, could work. But it’s not in reality. I’ve learned this very recently. A clash of personalities is huge and although it may not seem like a deal breaker, it is. Because someone is going to have to compromise or alter themselves; change who they are to make the relationship work. No one wants to do that and in many cases, no one should have to do that. It’s one of those things that we have to accept can’t be fixed despite great effort and a want for it to work. Its something you must just accept and move on. Some things just don’t work. 

You are simply grieving the death of your relationship with your friend. It’s going to be hard, you are going to miss her and you are going to want the friendship back, but if she isn’t interested in being your friend, it just isn’t going to happen. Reflect on the good times, recognize it and then wash those thoughts from your mind. It’ll take a while to get past, but you will eventually. Just give yourself the time it takes to grieve. Especially because you have to do so without real closure or at least something that would force you to feel negatively about her, making it harder to let her go. 

Have you thought and analyzed why you feel so drawn to her? If not, you should! Also the root of your attachments to people in your life. I did that and it brought me soooo much clarity. I realized why I feel so strongly about my friendships and it stems all the way back to my upbringing and how I feel about myself. So many things I was projecting and searching for meaning in. {That’s a long story for another time chile} You may have a similar realization and it may help you process and cope with this loss. Be patient with yourself! Feel those feelings, recognize those feelings and keep moving forward without dwelling on what happened. 

I hope this advice helps you! -k

Hey Dess H. / Anxiety

Hey boo! Happy New Year to you too!! You know you’re welcome, girl! Always <3

Firstly, I’m so happy for you! Finding happiness, security, affection, and love is amazing, but after a toxic relationship, the feeling of gratitude and over-the-heels-ness is much more abundant. I love that for you!

You need to tell that man. Not about the ins and outs of your last relationship wholely, but just the parts that relate to his friends. This is a big thing for both of you and I foresee it creating unnecessary problems. Problems that you can avoid. It’ll be deep for you to relive because of the trauma it imprinted on you, but it’ll bring you guys closer and show him that you aren’t not trying to be around his friends, it’s just that you have anxiety over it from a past experience. He’ll, instead of speculating about your reasons or creating a narrative for you, have the correct answers and have a better opportunity to navigate this with you. You guys can create a solution whether it’s a pep-talk, (one that you wouldn’t have received if he’s unaware of you needing one) you meeting his friends one at a time, at a setting you choose + feel the most comfortable, etc. You don’t have to be very specific if you don’t feel comfortable dredging up your past, but challenge yourself to speak openly and transparent with him where it’s relevant to your current relationship. Your feelings are relevant even if the situation isn’t. Explain to him the effect that it has had on you and why meeting his friends/family triggers you. He should understand. If not, he’ll at least have the facts and how you choose to deal with your anxiety is now your business, if he doesn’t help. It’ll also be an important test in your relationship for communication, mental health, cooperation, etc. Very important things for a couple to navigate together. And will challenge you guys in a good way. He should be holding your hand through this and helping you every step of the way.

You can do this! This is great for you to confront and learn how to heal through.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey, Ki

I feel you. I understand your frustration. It seems as if you hate the dwelling, the capitalization of our pain and circumstance, the victimization etc. At the end of the day, this has been our experience as Black women. We have prospered and we are continuing to do so. For so long, we’ve been enduring so much bullshit in silence. So many people have been ignoring or ignorant to our pain and we are finally finding the confidence and strength to be open and honest about our experiences. We have reached a point where we are tired of holding things in and we finally get to release these things. You’re tired of the “woe is me” tone of everything. The tone can feel defeated where you’d rather it be encouraging or uplifting. I get that. Because I personally don’t like to dwell on negative emotions or situations. I also don’t like being seen as a victim, but that’s also due to having to put our feelings on the back burner and being “strong”. I hate the very normal feeling of vulnerability and been seen a hurt. But it’s true, we are hurting. Hurting is normal. We are getting through it and overcoming it, by doing some of the things you suggested, but a major part of getting through something is acknowledgement. Especially when after so long you’ve been suppressed and dismissed. It’s important to get it out. And it’s not going to be uplifting or lighthearted. It’s our reality and it’s not pretty. I share this perspective hoping that you give just be a bit more empathetic about why you may be seeing so much of it on Twitter and social media. Don’t get me wrong, some people do it for retweets and because it’s a current topic which is annoying as hell, but many others are just expressing themselves and are taking to Twitter to do so because it’s where people share their thoughts. There’s a million people on Twitter exchanging the same thoughts and it’s a lot when you feel like you’re being beaten upside the head with the same topic. Definitely take a break.

And us doing this doesn’t make other women feel superior, if it’s seen as that in any way, it’s because other women use this to make themselves feel superior over us. No one is superior over Black women. Period.

I hope this insight helps you. -K

Hey, Jenelle Jeter

I don’t think it’s a direct reflection of how he feels about you. He could honestly just not be mindful of how you’d feel towards his room. If you’re completely uncomfortable with his hygiene and cleanliness, I’d move on because it’s sometimes hard to get someone to improve upon themselves in that way and with hygiene and cleanliness, you don’t want to have to force someone to not be dirty because ew tf. I’m not saying he’s dirty though, because you didn’t. Just depending on how excessive this is. If it’s just him not having a bedframe, I’d bring it up to him. Growing up less fortunate, it is most likely something he’s just grown accustomed to not having— it’s not a big deal to him to fix or see as something different that needs fixing. I myself didn’t even have a proper bed frame until I reached my adolescent years because my mom took more time due to her financial situation. As you get older, you have to become mindful of the lifestyle changes that should be made. Either on your own, or with the help of someone else. So, I’d mention it to him and see how willing he is to changing. If he is stable enough financially to upgrade his situation, perfect. If not (or he’s simply unwilling because he sees no issue), then there’s nothing you or he can do about it in this moment. And if he can’t and it’s still something that bothers you, you’re going to have to move on.

It all depends on his willingness to fix his room situation and how excessive this issue is. If he’s super dirty, dip. It’s it’s just him needing to upgrade and keep tidy, I personally see no problem with nudging him or bringing it to his attention to address. You guys have been talking since May so I think you can bring it up casually in conversation when it can be relevant. For example, when he’s in his room or his bed. If he’s the type you can joke with, I’d joke about him cleaning his room and washing his linen or something. Or you can suggest that he buys a bedframe by going, “have you thought about buying a bedframe for your bed? It’ll elevate the look of your room and it’s necessary to have as an adult.” I’m a Sag and we are known to be blunt though, sometimes to a fault lol. I’d bring it up casually or jokingly and see how he reacts and then acts. If he seems receptive, there ya go. If not, and it’s something that continues as a problem for you, dip. Either way you’re uncomfortable, we just need to see if he’s the kind of guy that just needs a little help. It’s worth it since he checks out in all of the other areas.

Most of the time where I feel a man is a lost cause is when his character is in question. I’m not waiting on anyone to mature and drag me through the dirt, emotionally and mentally, through the process. Mention it and give this guy a chance to change. If he doesn’t change or seems like he doesn’t want to, drop him.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

ps. please let me know how it goes— I’m really interested to see how this turn out!

Hey Nikki Giovanni, Falling for a fuckboy

No matter the outcome you must voice how you feel. There’s no way to predict how he’d react to anything, and no matter how he does react you must still make a decision that is right for you. You seem to really just want a friendship with him. There’s a chance he may change, but that depends on his character and how he values you. And as a friend and gentlemen, he’d still pay for your food sometimes. But the attention you like and the money he spends, isn’t worth maintaining that type of relationship with him, if it’s something you don’t truly want, or at least enjoy. Food and attention aside, do you truly value the friendship with him? Is he a good friend to you? Think about him, his character, his morals, his behavior towards you and others, and figure out if he’s someone you want in your life as a friend.

Tell him straight up and plainly, that you value him more as a friend and you want only a platonic relationship going further. And if he doesn’t accept that, leave him where he is. He’s having sex with other women and being open about those other endeavors with you, he can’t be so serious about pursuing you (despite the girlfriend jokes) that he’d be upset with you wanting only a platonic relationship. But even if he is, it’s not what you want so he’ll have to deal. You shouldn’t compromise yourself. That’s the one of the first steps of creating boundaries. It’ll be easier enforcing to your boundaries when you are sure about what you want. You have to stand up for yourself and that’s all boundaries are. Don’t worry about whether or not you’ve been taking advantage of him or not because you aren’t. 1) he’s a grown man, 2) he’s choosing to spend this money on you, and 3) he’s getting something worth more than money from you. Don’t feel bad or guilty at all. Your boundaries are YOURS. They are for your benefit and no one else’s.

I hope this advice help you. -K

Hey Cookie Hayes, I don’t like my friends

Why don’t you like your friend? That’s the simplest and most important question you have to answer for yourself. Make a list or journal about it, but truly sit and break down the things you don’t like about her as a person and/or your friendship with her. Also ask yourself why do you want to be friends with her. It’s easy to remain in a friendship with someone out of comfort and familiarity. You’re just use to there being an “us” but you don’t stop to think, “do we really work?” “Is this relationship meaningful to me?” Ask all of those questions. When you distance yourself from her, why is that? What emotions prompt your need to put distance between you two? Your relationship with her isn’t going to work (no matter how many conversations you have with her) if you don’t know what about her you really like and dislike. Are you a hater? If you’re happy with her unhappiness, find yourself discrediting her achievements, trying to humble her, bring her down, or are unsupportive etc? Then yep, you are definitely a hater. It’s normal to envy the amazing things others have, material and immaterial like, personality traits, but that envy doesn’t have to make you act out towards her in a negative and harmful way. You can be envious of someone and still be happy for them regarding the things you envy about them. Envy is just you wanting what they have. That’s fine. You just have to navigate it in healthy way. Be able push through it. That begins with self love and accountability. By developing yourself and becoming the person you want to be, instead of being stagnant, unhappy and jealous. Be the best you, just as they are. Become the things you love, enjoy, admire etc. Go out and acquire the things you yearn for. When you experience these feelings you can’t allow them to change how you are towards someone, especially your close friend. With her feeling like you were/are being a terrible friend to her, that makes me believe you are in fact allowing those feelings of envy and insecurity effect how you act towards her and that’s not okay. Until you are happy with who you are and are able to control your emotions, it will bring chaos in your friendship and that chaos will spread and cause so much damage. You both will continue being unhappy with one another and resentment will grow. More, because I’m sure it’s already there. So, I say no, you should be friends anymore. And on the other side, she then insults you terribly on her birthday. Yea, I don’t think you two really like each other. Because I believe if you did, y’all wouldn’t say such mean and hurtful shit to one another. The negative seems to be more powerful than the positive. Which makes me question if there even is any positive?

In the end of your dilemma you literally say, “I don’t want to dislike my friend, but I do”. That’s all you need right there. There’s no reason to stay friends with someone you don’t like.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Tiff John, When to let go of a relationship

Within the last 2 out of 7 years your connection with him has been fading You guys are long distance and you’ve become detached from him emotionally. Yea, I think it’s definitely time to unfortunately (or fortunately actually) move on. I’m all for a reconciliation if down the line you two are living in the same place or decide to, and it works. If he’s brought it up, I feel you can meet him where he is and harmoniously sever the relationship. The reason I don’t think this a reevaluation phase or shouldn’t be, is because of your emotional detachment. Being in a long distance relationship, that is the MOST important thing. That’s really all you have, to forge a strong bond with one another. You can be loyal to him as a person; being a support system and a friend, but a relationship just isn’t going to work, especially with you feeling under or devalued. I don’t see you being fulfilled and you shouldn’t suffer for the sake of loyalty in a relationship. You both owe it to yourselves to really explore being apart. You’ll also be able to learn more about yourselves and your relationship to one another separately, without the confines of a title and the weight that that brings. Free yourselves and free your minds.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Violet, Should I get into a relationship with him?

This is a very uncomfortable space to be in. I’d break it off or at least fall back. I’d tell him why and hope he understands. It’s too tricky when there’s a baby involved because the parents need each other even if they aren’t technically together at the time of the birth and even if they aren’t together there is a strong possibility they will get together to make it work for the child, or still mess around maintaining a emotional and/or sexual connection. Either way you don’t want to be involved if the baby is his. Tell him that you’re falling back because of the possibility. You can even tell him if they baby isn’t his, you’d love to see if y’all can pick back up and date. But he potentially being the father is too heavy and it’s best to wing yourself off of him to soften the blow in the future if it turns out that he’s the father. Separate yourself from this now. It’s too risky… and messy. Right now, his focus needs to be on finding out if that baby is his and if so, supporting the his ex through her pregnancy and preparing himself for fatherhood and parenting alongside the mother.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey TT/22, It’s triggered cause it’s true

Whew chileee. That was a read. Hurtful as hell, but sometimes we need things like this to make us stop and think about who we are and put our lives into perspective. The process for you to sort this out is to really look within. Why do you feel like you want or need to put up a front? What are you trying to receive from doing this? How does it benefit you? You can have lashes, wigs, etc and not be empty on the inside, so that doesn’t have to correlate. As long as you are okay with who you are outside of those things, they are just additions to you, and you can continue enjoying them. (So tell your cousin to CHECK THAT lol). You just have to make sure these things aren’t defining you. You have to do the internal work and find out what makes you, you. What do you value? What do you believe in? What do you want out of your life? What are things you can identify about yourself and your life that, if you had them, would make you feel less empty? Try putting reasons behind those feelings you get from the attention, validation, comfort, or whatever you personally get, from this image you feel you’ve created. Also start with stopping. If it’s not benefiting or feeding your soul, leave it alone. Especially if you can’t afford to uphold the image. Life is too short and it’s too hard out here to waste time, money, and literally your life. It’s easy with social media to become wrapped into a persona. We are all fighting that battle in a way. Whether it’s with entrepreneurship, career, influencing, hair and makeup etc. To combat this I know I have to stop and seriously ask myself “why am I doing this?” or “do I even want/care?”. After stopping and reflecting, move onto filling yourself/soul with things that feed you. Things you love, things that bring you joy, things you are passionate about and personal goals for your life- the things that will make you feel fuller.

And you aren’t fake. So let’s stop that. You’re just a little far from your true self and we all have been. It’s also amazing that you were present enough to recognize this and decide that you want to make a change. Because sis, most people would have chalked your cousin up to being “a hater” and rejected what she said. You are already conscious enough to see the disconnect between yourself and the image you’ve created. That is super important to changing and with this ability, you will be able to change this. You’re also 22 so this is the time where you really begin to establish your identity.

I’ve also just (coincidentally) began this journaling prompt challenge. It’s a 5 week challenge and I want to invite you to participate in. Every Monday for 5 week I’m releasing 5 questions to coach you into self reflection and growth. I think you will help you tremendously with this dilemma. The first prompt is here and every Monday check back for the next one!

I hope this advice help you. -K

Hey Tyaiia, Who am I even?

How you speak isn’t who you are. Whether you use Ebonics, slang, AAVE, or grammatically correct American English, your identity is your character, what you believe in, the things you like; who you are at your core.

White people shouldn’t use AAVE because it’s derived directly from Black Americans culture and Southern Black American culture. It literally stands for African American Vernacular English lol. Frankly, we made that ish up and it’s ours. 99.99% of the time white people use our terms and have NO idea the root of them or any Black people for that matter. They adapt a way of being and speaking like a character or even caricature of Black people. It’s normal to adapt the language or an accent of the people and culture you’re around, but it isn’t necessary or important to use any of it to the point where you have no connection to what you’re saying, or it’s forced and isn’t authentic to who you are. Another reason why it's annoying and inappropriate for white people to use AAVE is because they don’t have to if it’s not genuinely adapted from their atmosphere directly. There’s no need to force it. That goes for you as well. It’s okay to want to connect and relate to your people, but if it isn’t who you are truly, then it’s okay. You can connect and relate in the ways you know how.

I was born and raised and still reside in Northeast DC, but I’ve been told several times that I don’t sound like it. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. It depends on where I am, who I’m with and my comfort level. In middle and high school my DC accent was thicker, but now it’s sprinkled in small doses since going to college and entering the workforce as an adult. “Champ” will ALWAYS be apart of my vocabulary and I’ll always add emphasis to some words when I’m speaking because it’s at the core of who I am- a DC girl, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with speaking grammatically correct English. I’ll always be from DC no matter what and how I speak will never change that fact, nor will it change me.

Just be you, sis. Allow yourself to form naturally, don’t force anything onto you. Not ways of speaking, not interests, not people, NOTHING.

You are understood and I get exactly where you are coming from. As you get older and develop you will mold more into who you truly are, this is just the beginning of you shedding an old layer.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jaye Melanin/ Re: Why can’t I let her go pt. 2

Ahhh okay I see. I still say reach out. You genuinely miss her and ultimately would be open to repairing and furthering your relationship, so I say it’s still worth it to try. Her behavior in the past, dismissing your feelings, manipulating the situation and playing victim is unacceptable. For you guys to really move forward, if you choose to, she’s going to to have to acknowledge her wrongs and take accountability. I know that’s what I need to move forward with anyone and I can tell you are the same. Giving her behavior in the past, I wouldn’t put too big of an expectation on your convo and where it’ll lead, just go into it speaking genuinely from the heart. That way, you’re prepared for it to go either way, and ultimately you will feel better inside because you’ll be free from the “what ifs”. I believe in people, so there’s a possibility she’s matured; we’ll keep our fingers crossed for that. This time around, just remain calm, focus on the issue, not your feelings like I said, and don’t be accusatory- instead of “you made me feel like”, replace it with “I felt _ as a result of [insert action]”. Also apologizing and acknowledge any part you played in the your falling out is a good start of the convo. It disarms the other person and shows that you have the emotional awareness and maturity to take accountability and can prompt the other person to reciprocate. It also shows that you are genuine with your intentions for the convo and aren’t there on a one sided mission. If she continues her victim role, that’s just who she is and just say fuck it, there’s just not much you can do if she isn’t open to listening. Our main goal for this convo is love, hope, promise, growth and closure. As long as you keep those things present, no matter how it goes you will have won within. Try and see where it goes. I have hope! -K

Hey Jaye Melanin, Why can’t I let her go!?

I totally understand being drawn to certain friendships! I haven’t had the exact same back and forth relationship before with a friend, but I did have a falling out that weighed someone heavily on me. What I did is what I believe you should do. Reach out. You guys didn’t end horribly, like you’ve said. There was no backstabbing betrayal, just a few conflicts brought on by your differences as people. Reach out with no intentions other than closure and peace-making. Clearing the air between you two formally communicating that there is no bad blood, you miss your friendship with her, that shes’s been on you mind and you continue to wish her the best in life. Leave it open ended and even add something to the effect of “maybe one day we can catch up”. By doing this, your heart is clearer, you show her that you hold no ill will, if there was any question in her mind about how you felt about her, and you also show her that you are open to the possibility of reconnecting. I think it’s possible for you two to connect or come to a meeting of the minds on the status of your friendship and any possibility of a future one. Whether leaving it as in the past as great memories or rebuilding a stronger relationship for the future.

We are all growing and with growth comes maturity. Who knows, the things that you once conflicted over may not be an issue again, or you may now be better equipped to talk through issues than you were before. Go into this new; message her without any of the old emotions of your falling out and past issues. It’s important to express any hurt you felt so she is aware and can take some accountability (and vice versa with you), but approach it without resentment or defensiveness. Go into it with good energy and hopefulness. If the conversation develops more after your initial message and you two get into discussing what happened, lead with the issue (rather than your feelings), empathy, understanding, and with your ego absent. I believe it’s important to try to learn others and sometimes we may clash, but that doesn’t always mean throw the whole person away. Different people need different things. If giving someone what they need, isn’t detrimental to our well being, doing that extra work can be worth maintaining a relationship. It’s okay to bend a bit with those we love, as long as we aren’t allowing ourselves to be broken.

I hope this advice helps you and that your conversation with her goes well! There’s a post on how to argue and steps to productively do so under the Culture page of the BLOG section, check it out, some of the tips may help during your talk with her :)

-K

Hey Cece,

Break up with him… again. From what you’re telling me, he’s putting little to no effort in maintaining or repairing your relationship. You two got together and agreed to “work” on it, but where is the work? His actions are what should set the tone for your status and his actions are of a single man. Free yourself. Not only is he making zero effort to link with you, he ignores the efforts you’ve made to link up. COVID-19 is still very much at large, I’ve been quarantining since the initial shut down for the most part. If the reason for you two not seeing each other was precaution and safety, I understand 100%, but I’m positive that’s not the reason. There’re social distance activities, accessible testing, and several ways to see each other while still maintaining your health and safety, if that’s what you had to do (especially because it'll just be you two), but his actions are telling me that if there was no Coronavirus and life was the same, you would still rarely see him. As someone who agreed to fix your relationship the bare minimum he should be doing is maintaining consistent communication with you. Then his behavior on social media takes this to a whole other level. Quality time and communication aside, what he’s posting about other women on social media alone is 100% a deal breaker. There’s no justification or reasoning to make sense of the things he’s said and done. You will be better without him. You will be stress free, you will be able to move on, your focus would be better (on you), and you will be HAPPIER. Choose happiness. He’s not the one. Say goodbye and good riddance.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey C / 19, BBB

I understand how you feel. I shared a bit of these feelings after the murder of Toyin Salau. I was on Twitter and the tweets from men about how it’s not their obligation to protect Black women outside of the ones they know, hurt me, because damn, if I’m out alone in the world commuting and living, and need help, I couldn’t even rely on my own skinfolk for help? I felt very vulnerable and alone thinking about it. I was disgusted and pissed the fuck off at Black men. It’s a slap in the face, a betrayal, hurtful and a major turn-off to say the least, to all Black women. The same women who will fight and support any one of them at the drop of a dime if they needed it. What I had to do was get off Twitter and any social media platform with messages and words sharing that ignorant perspective. To counteract these feelings and fill myself, I had to indulge in the stories of Black men who shared the opposite message, in my personal life, in history, film or television.

From your relationship and feelings about your dad, I feel like you could be harboring resentment towards Black men. I don’t blame you. I can’t say I would feel any different. How can you not be disappointed and disgusted with any group of men or people who seem like the majority of them feel negatively towards us and do harm to us? It’s pilling on and on and on. As I did, I feel like you’d benefit from disconnecting and separating yourself from any man, freeing yourself mentally, from any of the disheartening things being said about Black women.

If you don’t have your dad to heal with, by talking to him and trying to repair your relationship, try leaning on a male friend or cousin, brother, uncle etc, and try to use their influence and positivity to reassure you that all Black men aren’t the same. You even said it yourself so you know. You just need to see it firsthand in order to connect with the fact, to then be able connect with and feel less angry towards Black men. You have to also heal through these feelings and figure out what you have to do to counteract them. What would it take for you personally to resolve your feelings of resentment? While you’re trying to answer these questions for yourself, feed yourself positive imagery and stories from Black men. The Black Panthers, Malcolm X, Tupac, and other men you can find who uplift and support Black women. I feel you just need to begin changing the lens in which you view Black males. I know it’s hard when we know and see all of the things Black women have to endure at the hands of our men, but we have to heavily rely on and take comfort in the fact that it’s not all of them. When we’re viewing only one side majority of the time, it’s very hard to do this and it seems impossible, we just have to look closely and shift all our the focus on finding and seeing that other side we know exists. It’s important to remind ourselves that there’s a smaller percentage of men who feel this way, than those who don’t.

Don’t feel like you need to resolve these things now, but just begin the process of introspection and learning how to identify the connections and roots of these feelings, and what would help you feel better.

I truly hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey KaylaTheVirgo/20, Anxiety

It’s great you’re already halfway there. You know the root of your anxiety and you know the difference in the two situations. I’d tell new bae about the anxiety you’re feeling and also explain to him specifically what the family of the previous guy did that has you now anxious about being introduced to families. Telling him creates an honest space and it allows him the opportunity to either let you take the time you need to work through the anxiety, or it allows him to help you through meeting his people. And it’s such a burden to lie and hide it. Don’t tell him about your anxiety as an excuse to not go or a justification, just go to him open and explaining your perspective and why you are on the fence. Like, “I’d really like to go on the trip, I’ve just been feeling a some anxiety about it because…”. He could also counter your uncertainty by telling you more about his sister’s character, etc. Also, how he handles your honesty and your feelings will be very telling about his own character. It’ll play a part in setting the tone for the emotional aspect of your relationship if you are to get into one down the line.

I’d also try to go to push through the anxiety instead of allowing it to build, crippling me. There’s levels to anxiety and if you feel yours is moderate enough to push through, then go. If you have more severe anxiety where you’d have an attack, then I wouldn’t risk my health with this step, this time. Maybe instead of a trip, just have an outing on a Saturday where you meet them. Either way, talk to new bae and just be transparent about your feelings because shedding the weight of holding it in, is a huge relief in itself and may help alleviate a lot of the anxiety over this issue even before you start to work through it. You can definitely weather this. Just be introspective and actively work towards healing the triggers that that family has brought out of you. Why what they did trigger you and how can you heal those parts of you. As long as you are try to yourself and try your best, fuck that other shit they’re talking about.

You are amazing. You are on a great path and you don’t need to let them people follow you like a shadow. Nip it right here and stop it from going any further effecting you this new relationship and any after.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Anonymous Johnson, Loneliness & Depression

This is a very hard place to be in. My advice to you is to start within. Figuring out the source of your isolation is key. Reflect deeply upon yourself and find out why you want to isolate yourself. Is it self consciousness? D you feel like you have a hard time connecting to those around you or you feel unheard or unappreciated? Or is it solely on your weight and how you feel about your body? Ask yourself how do you feel and then ask why. Once you can determine the why, you can begin asking “what do I need to do to feel better” or “what can I do to undo this?". There’s usually a mountain of contributing factors and it takes time to really learn yourself and what you need to be happy. Accept yourself for who you are firstly, then begin to tweak some things you think will help you feel better and better about yourself. You have to accept and love yourself despite those things you may not like, because it’s you at the end of the day, just in a slightly different form. If you can appreciate your amazing character and your amazing features, you won’t feel out of body when you begin to see change, good or bad. You’re able to say “this is me and that’s fine” even if you also say “I’d like to lose a few pounds” or even add on some for some cases. Because what you look like doesn’t effect your identity, the core of who you are. Your appearance will always and can always change. You must be able to recognize your beauty in every shape or shift. Once you’re better within, you can begin to make changes to your exterior. Incorporating new practices like walks and jumping rope to burn calories and incorporate more fruits and veggies, whatever you find that you need to do to be where you’d like physically do those things. It’s your right to decide and act on the things that will make your happy when you look in the mirror. It’s important to maintain a healthy self-image. The love you have for yourself must always shine through. Once you’re able to see it shining through, others will too. Once the relationship with yourself it healing and bettering, your relationship with others will also. Take your time and focus on healing you. You are who you need to turn to if you feel like you have no one else. Unwavering self love is the foundation and is key.

Those who really care about and love you will be there for you after isolation. I don’t doubt that some of those relationships can be salvaged. When you try, just be honest about why you needed those isolation periods and be honest about what you need from them, and also allow them to tell you what they need from you, so you can sustain a balanced relationship. There may be those that can’t handle what you may need emotionally but that’s okay. You will meet people who will. Just always be honest and upfront with who you are and eventually you’ll meet others who will welcome that and accept you. People are built for different things. In your daily life, try to connect with some people your work with or go to school with to slowly build that social life you may want. You are not alone in this world regardless of how you feel. Lean on yourself and then when you begin to build those relationships, old and new, when the time is right allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to lean on others and not isolate yourself from them. As long as you accept you, there will be others who will.

I truly hope at least some of these words can help you. -K

Hey Choyce / 20, Solitude

I’ve been doing pretty decent during this quarantine- definitely ready for a vaccine lol, thanks for asking :)

Much of your dilemma I believe you can solve by shifting your perspective. You can find excitement in the things that you do but thinking of them as exciting or with excitement. Just as your friends and boyfriend share the details of their day, you can share about the book your reading or the show you’re watching and what you take from it. I LOVE movies/shows and be excited to talk about them. On your walks, go through a different neighborhood, walk into a store or shop you’ve never been to. That can be exciting. Anything can be exciting if you look to find the excitement. The next book you read, choose one that’s completely opposite of one you’d usually go for and see how it unfolds. You’re in a brand new city, explore! That’s a quick and easy way to spice things up. Everything is spicy in a new place. Newness, alone, in exciting. The mystery. The possibilities. The promise! See who you can befriend in a class where you or at work even. Two places where you have the most common ground and shared experiences where you’ll be able to make easy connection. Attitude and mindset affect pretty much everything. It’s really how you view the events of your life. Think of being in this new place as an adventure and discover every bit you can. Do the things you love and instill love in all things and you’ll feel more joyful about them. There’s a huge difference in “I’ve started a book” and “I’ve started a book!” Why are you reading that book (or watching that show)? The “why” is the tea. Your invested interest. Your intrigue. You are interesting and your life is too. You just have to look closer and view it in that lens. Live your life, don’t just exist. Wake up everyday ready to take advantage of waking up. Don’t be afraid of doing things solo. When the world opens back up, experience everything. If you think everyday, “what can I do to have something exciting to share with my boyfriend or friends?”, you’ll begin to see everyday as an opportunity. I know exactly how this feels. Years ago when I met my ex he always had a story and I was like “shit, I want to be able to tell him stories" so I had to find a story in my everyday life.

I hope this advice helps you. Stay safe and as stress-free as possible in these unique times. -K

Hey Lashawnna, Update

I hope you’re reading my content while you’re hereeeee lol! Responses are posted on Sundays, Tuesdays and/or Thursdays so check on those days and up until midnight EST usually after 6pm to be even more specific! Just to save you some time! I appreciate all of your support my love!

Perks of being a Sag, we tend to settle things in our mind easily. I love to hear that you’ve already began to heal and grow through this situation. Your feelings are very valid and you have a right to feel how you feel and deal only with who you choose. It’s certainly about the principle and you’re cousin should have been as honest and forthcoming as the guy. In those moments of them being together, she was in her right mind enough to think of you while in the act, she should been able to stop and she didn’t. Actions have always and will continue to speak louder than words. It’s shocking even because anyone would think it would’ve been the opposite. She held more of the obligation of loyalty and unfortunately she failed. There were several windows of opportunity and she took advantage of none of them. I feel that if a someone is honestly sorry, they’ll do all that is necessary to prove it and to right their wrongs. Only you can determine her genuineness and your instincts will guide you in determining how to move regarding her. I may or may not be bias, but Sagittarius tend to have the strongest intuition ;) Trust that you’re doing what is right for you.

I’m so happy my advice could help you. -K

Hey Britany / 21, Attention

There’s nothings wrong with you. It’s just the men you’ve encountered. Every girl wants to be adored and catered to. Not every man is capable of that. We just have to keep trying until we find that one that can give us what we need. I also believe in setting the tone, so if you haven’t already, I’d try to be the person I want and do the things I want done. Meaning call as you’d like to be and send the texts you’d like to receive. I personally feel like most people don’t know how to be for the person they want and I like to make sure I do my part in trying and making the person I’m pursuing aware of what I want. You said you’ve asked them and that’s all you can do alongside working to create that habit/routine and intentionally trying what you can to set that tone. If the person still refuses to bend and you feel like you’ve actively done more than enough to establish this boundary then all you can do is move on and hope that you encounter the right man the next time. There’s no way you should settle for unfulfillment. Please don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s all a learning experience and with every encounter you’re becoming better at and closer to getting what you want.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Rain / 19

I definitely get this. With all of the chaos in the world, covid 19, racism, inequalities, social media pressures, and much much more, it’s very easy to feel lost. You start to question why anything matters and lose motivation and sight of the reason or your purpose. I have these thoughts a lot myself. The way I bring myself back down to earth, settle my anxiety and restore my mind is by only focusing on my life, what I’m doing and why. Think of earning money, not like a race or a competition or reward, but as a way to afford comfort and necessities. You don’t have to give in and lose yourself among those who seem obsessed with the mindset of “getting to the bag” and “hustle hard”. You can just work to afford the things in life YOU want. You don’t have to put as much weight on money as others. It doesn’t have to be a goal of yours to make the most or make as much as the person next to you. Just do what you need, to make enough for you. Because a life without it, is very hard. It’s impossible to obtain the physical things you want and desire and you are limited. The physical means nothings in the grand scheme of life, but in reality here on earth and everyday, physical eventually affects your mental. Just do you. Your “win at life” is what you define. These feelings you’re having mean you value more in your life and that’s great because there’s way more to life than just money. WAY more. But I can’t not say that money means nothing. For me, it simply means comfort, convenience, and experience. Those are the reasons I work and want it. I want to be able to travel and eat and see the world. Things I know I need money to experience. Love, peace and serenity are also things I want to experience, just as you do. I just have to obtain those things a different way. All needed, just categorized and prioritized to suit me. Prioritize and define what’s important to you. And feed those things accordingly. You’re new goal is serenity. It's now time to feed that. It’s very normal to have these feelings. Just ground yourself and develop tunnel vision on what’s important to you and focus on that.

I hope this advice helps you. Stay safe and as stress-free as possible. -K

Hey Lashawnna, Betrayal from family

I’m honored to have your support and trust! It means the world. Yasss, Sag gang!

Okay so boom.
It’s terrible that you had to find out about your cousin and the guy you like. I’m sorry you had to experience this. I can only imagine the range of feelings you’re having. I would definitely put her on ice if I were you. For a while until you are able to forgive and move forward without strong hatred or negativity towards her. You’ll never not know her again being cousins so you have to work through your feelings to avoid harnessing hatred and animosity forever. It’s all about you finding your inner peace and resolution so you can be free from anger and hurt when you see her or even think about the situation. Accidents do happen when you drink. Some people can’t control their actions and it’s unfortunate. I don’t know enough about your cousin to determine what kind of person she is. You can determine whether or not she is malicious, whether or not something like this could easily happen again, whether or not you can trust her, and if she’s genuinely remorseful for what she did. You can try to determine why she withheld the info from you after the fact. Especially because she was there supporting and encouraging you to express your feelings to the dude. Was it a joke to her? Was she hoping he told you? Or was she hoping that it could stay a secret and you and him could reconcile or get closure without your knowledge of what they did stopping you? I’d try to understand her point of view more and try to determine if she’s a great friend who has your best interest at heart that made a mistake and deserves to be forgiven and back in your life, or if she’s just a careless, disrespectful, backstabbing person who is truly trash and should be cut off. Either way you have to take several steps back from her (for at least a month or so), work through your personal hurt, and then figure out how you want to deal with her. Some people can be forgiven and some shouldn’t be. Be fair and just with your decision making. If she’s never wronged you and feels regretful for what she did, could you forgive her eventually? I understand if you can’t and I’m not caping for her in any way. I just want you to determine for yourself if you are better off without your friendship. You’ll always be family, but will you be able to be close friends with her again? That’s what’s important. Her true character will help you answer that ultimate question. If you can’t see yourself forgiving her, you have all the right. Cut her our your personal life and peace her up at the family functions and leave it at that. Don’t be swayed because you are family. You’re always going to be related so don’t let the fact that you share DNA make you feel obligated to someone, compromise yourself, or have you suffering at the hands of a shitty person (her or anyone else).

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Bam 19, Super Negro

First off I’m crying at “Super Negro” LMAO. I totally feel the same as you regarding him. It’s one thing to be proud of your heritage but this man is giving ignorant Dr. Umar Johnson REACHness. It’s too much and it’s his stances are unrealistic and idiotic to say the least. You can and should wear your hair however you want. You’re still Black and natural with a wig on or straight hair without it being self hatred and yes I’m here for #BlackLove but people can date who makes them happy. Don’t get me wrong, I understand loving and embracing your Blackness, but his viewpoints on interracial dating and hair are just stupid. It would be a red flag and a turnoff for me. Simply because he probably won’t change and I’d be annoyed everyday and every time he speaks on the subject. His perspective seem shallow and disingenuous. Being pro-Black is deeper and more serious that this. Him being Haitian, White and Hispanic could be confusing when trying to find an identity (as confusing as it to read) so he could easily be overcompensating for his feelings of uncertainty about who he is. If you like him enough and think it’s worth a shot, try to understand him more and with that also talk to him about relaxing and changing some of his opinions. If not, friend-zone him or cut him off entirely because ain’t nobody got time for that. And you both would be better paired with someone who shares similar views.

Stay safe out here and as stress-free as possible! I’m taking it one day at a time.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey G, 18

This would seem super intrusive to me being new on the job. Yes flattering a little bit if I later found out the person likes me, but initially I can’t help but feel like I’d be annoyed. Largely after finding out that I was looked up on Facebook and the girl ran into my Dad’s page and was on there. If someone is going to be nosy, they need to keep it on the hush. You seem like a reserved person so I’m sure it takes time for you to gradually open up to someone and that someone, you’re very selective about. Like you keep your circle small. Off rip I’d say they are riding a fine line between interested/friendly and nosy af. I’d continue to keep them at a distance to see which side of the line they fall. At the end of the day they are coworkers so you have no obligation to make them friends, so just keep it cool and professional. I would be careful with the details I disclose because it’s giving gossip and yapping out the mouth already and if it’s one thing that can ruin a workplace fast, it’s people knowing too much of your business, especially people you didn’t even tell it to. They may not fall on the side of “that” coworker so don’t be too critical over this issue. This time, give the benefit of the doubt that they meant well but the method/how it unfolded was just off. It’s normal to be curious about someone new and more so with someone you’re interested in. Just be mindful of the messiness that can arise from nosy talkative coworkers.

And I’m doing pretty good given the circumstances of the world rn smh lol. I wish the same for you! Stay safe and and as stress-free as possible

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Candace, Breaking up with the perfect guy

Whew chile…

Okay so, let me give some “breakup with him criteria” first:

1. You are no longer interested in having sex with him, like AT ALL.
2. You don’t care to spend quality time with him.
3. You don’t care to talk to him like at all.
4. You don’t feel close to him anymore, or a desire to be close
5. If he cheated on you, you wouldn’t be hurt (not your ego, but your heart).
6. If you broke up with him, he wouldn’t be missed.
7. If you guys broke up you truly wouldn’t regret it.

If the answers to these questions are “yes” or you agree with, break up with him. If not, then maybe this is just a phase.

I believe boring can be fixed, or at least worked with enough until its possible to tell distinctively that it’s dead. I think there are instances where many of us are use to the chaos of toxic pairings we have anxiety when there isn’t any problem so we unconsciously cause one, we are use to the adrenaline rush we get from those toxic pairings, or we just feel powerless or unmotivated to find a solution when the relationship is lacking that fire, those butterflies. Really sit and figure this out- whether or not you can check off all or majority of the things on that criteria list to break up with him and why.

He is undeniably a catch compared to the men out here. Single life is so trash, believe me. I wouldn’t jump the gun and end things until I really know I can end things without regretting later, after exhausting all possibilities to fix or rekindle that spark (romance, share new experiences, exploring sexually, gifts, exploring intimacy and vulnerability, etc). I have no desire to be in a boring relationship so I’m all for you relinquishing yourself from this union, just make sure that if you do, it’s what you really want. The questions above should guide you in the proper direction of making a decision.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Nicole, Wedding hair

Our hair means a lot to us as women. I’m natural as well and I know the struggles of styling and trying to maintain health. It’s HARD AF. First finding a regimen that works specifically with your hair type and then being consistent enough to maintain it’s health. Risking damage is a lot as a natural women who takes pride in wearing her natural curls out, to jeopardize just for one day. (a day that’s not even yours). If it’s “just hair” to her, than she has to keep that same energy and apply it to herself. It’s “just hair” and she should be fine with you finding a healthy alternative. But if she’s insisting for this style, then it’s not “just hair” and as much as she wants you to bend for her, she needs to bend for you. She isn’t effected by your hair being damaged at all, which is why it’s easy for her to say, and because she heat styles regularly so she doesn’t share the same passion as you (which is selfish). You guys should work together in finding another style for you, one that you’re both happy with. You can literally have that same style, but the natural version! Instead of it being straightened, you can have a low curly ponytail- even with a side part and a swoop! I think that’s a great alternative. It’s essentially the same style, just a different method. I wouldn’t straighten my hair and risk it. I had a leave out last summer and it was effected by me applying heat to maintain. I feel that heartache every time I look and see the difference in my curls. And it takes a long time to repair that damage or regrow those curls. You’re not the bad friend here because you clearly want to make her happy, enough to be considering it (because I wouldn’t). If she genuinely wants you a part of her wedding, she should be able to put vanity aside and work with her friend to keep her happily in the bridal party. Period.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Parker, Red flag?

This can go one of two ways.

In my experience, the when I’ve heard that it my ex boyfriend’s unsuccessful attempt at flattery. I recognize now from his perspective that it was him proclaiming that out of all of the other things he could be doing, he chose to be with me. Despite knowing that, it’s still ugly to hear for some reason. It’s really how some men speak and as we all know, men can say the dumbest things, with terrible deliveries.

The second way this could go is in a nasty arrogant egotistical direction, intended to mean “feel lucky I’m here with you”. THAT’S a red flag. As if you should be flattered that he’s gracing you with his presence. That doesn’t say I’ve prioritized you over other things, that says you are of equal or lesser importance and should be glad you have the opportunity to see me. That’s rude as well as hurtful and can make one feel like a burden or insignificant.

It’s all about intent. From your wording of “I’m spending time with you, but I could be doing other shit”, it’s giving the latter and if you agree with that being the attitude you feel from him, he should be cut off. The fucking nerve. Whomever you’re dating is suppose to make you feel good and as if they want to spend time with you as much as you want with them, not like you’re stopping them from being where they’d rather be. He can go’on over there if here isn’t where he wants to be. You’re the catch, remember that.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Irritated To The Max, Twitter games

Break up with him. If he says he understands how you feel and that he’ll stop, there’s NO way he should still be continuing. He takes you for a fool or simply doesn’t care how you feel. If it feels disrespectful to you and he can’t honor that, you don’t want to set a tone in your relationship that it’s okay to disregard your feelings and that you’re fine with putting up with disrespect. Twitter games?! That’s not even something important to do and unreasonable to stop. It’s not like you’re demanding he deletes his account altogether. Just stop with the games because he’s clearly incapable of keeping it cute and appropriate for you and as someone in a relationship. Playing such games on Twitter is lame anyway and shows that he clearly needs a hobby. Break up with him. It’s the pattern that you have to refrain from creating with him, and any other man, by letting the things you find disrespectful slide, and also with yourself by compromising on something that you feel is strongly affecting you emotionally. If it’s real, he’ll cut the shit before it gets to a breakup or come back correct. If not, good riddance.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Dessi Woods, Listen to me

You definitely aren’t doing anything wrong, love. Sometimes it takes some time to determine who in your life you can or cannot confide in and on what levels. It sucks to not feel heard and I’ve gone through that myself. For me I had to do a couple of things. For one I had to figure out who had the strongest potential to be a true confidant in my life. The person literally with the best listening skills. Someone I felt I could connect with if we both took the time to develop that real connection. It does take a bit of time to lay that foundation because some people take “how are you?” super lightly like a “good morning” not thinking twice about your actual reply and on the other hand people take that same question and either want to dive deeper than “I’m fine” or if they’re the one who asked, they are prepared to listen and expound into the conversation pass the “ohhhh” that you say you’ve been met with. Some people are super quick to keep a conversation going and talk about themselves or some other topic, that they don’t take the time to really dive into topics, they just keep going and going. Refocus the conversation back onto you if you feel like someone isn’t allowing you the opportunity to really speak your mind. I had to do that too and also bring it to someone’s attention that they barely ever let me talk, and they didn’t even realize it. People be wrapped up in themselves you’d be surprised how many people aren’t aware of the shit they do. Make it about you just as they do. I had to realize that within myself because I’m always the listener and people get so use to me listening, that that’s what they expect from me. They don’t even ask how I am, they just start talking about themselves. I set that tone and they got use to it. So, I had to set another tone. I had to make people listen to ME. Some people stopped to listen when I brought it to their attention or circled back to myself in conversation, then there were also others who still re-shifted the conversation back to themselves because apparently they didn’t care to listen. And those people, I stopped talking to and even stopped listening to. Communication is a two way street unless you’re talking to a therapist. Some days I’m cool with that because I do have an advice column lol and I’m use to being an ear, BUT if I’m going to have friends and family and not "clients” because in that case I need to send an invoice, I made sure they knew they needed to listen to me as much as I did them. And not just listen, RESPOND and deep dive, as I do them.

Not everyone is that person so it’s normal if you aren’t really surrounded by many. Weed out the people who you think you can develop that communication with and make them aware of how you’re feeling to see if they change. If they do, wonderful, but if they don’t, don’t waste your time and words. And also determine if you don’t feel listened to, if that’s a friendship deal breaker to you. For me it is. Your words hold value, take the floor and demand to be listened to. If they refuse, cut em off. You will meet more people in life and as you go on, get more use to talking and expressing yourself no matter what and the people who truly value you, that want to hear what you have to say, will listen.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Also, what’s Girlfriend Gag?! Get me hip lol

Hey Roxy Stone,

The best way to not drive yourself crazy is to focus ONLY on what you know and what is said. I personally have old photos of my ex on my ig and the reason being is simply because 1. I don’t hate him and we are still cool so so why delete? 2. They followed and still do follow, the flow of my instagram feed and if i delete or archive them it’ll throw everything off lol. That’s my perspective. And I’m super over him, I’ll also add. It’s been years. Now, back to what you know. You know that he ain’t with her, so don’t overthink over her being a “friend” and over ig pics. Coming from someone who didn’t have a wild breakup with her ex, it’s possible to be friends with an ex. It’s rare, but not impossible. You can’t think too too deeply on that. The only thing to do really is keep an eye open to how they potentially interact with one another and if it makes you feel uncomfortable on a level where the interactions are indicating they are still messing around perhaps, then cut him off. That’s that on that. Supporting her business is not a bad thing at all, especially if they’re cool. Even if they weren’t, if the product/service is quality a post isn’t hurting anyone. I understand your frustration because she’s still relevant in even the most innocent way, which this could very well be, but if there’s no proof in anything other than harmless interaction among mature individuals then you can’t allow yourself to go crazy with hypotheticals and scenarios. My ex promotes my column still. Again, rare, but not impossible with mature individuals who are still cordial. Business is business and support in the form of promotion is soooo helpful with businesses, especially small. Trust him until you find real reason not to.

I think men date around despite talking to someone semi seriously, because they get bored (like we all do) and it’s purely entertainment and and living single up until the moment they decide they want to be with a certain person. We don’t have the capacity to entertain people as much as they do; we have a laser focus when we like someone. We have more of a foresight when we see potential in someone and want to take them seriously so we don’t want to waste time with noise. This happens with women all of the time. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I’m just trying to offer some insight into how men operate. Now, if too much time passes and you all have been dating say about 5/6 months and you want to become monogamous with him and he’s still being shaky about committing, then you have all the right to want to cut him off. You have to be reasonable in the time frame you give someone to commit or monogamously date you, just because everyone’s time frame isn’t the same. Other factors include how long it takes them to become comfortable with someone, and their own intentions with dating. In the same space, don’t allow him to string you along forever without clear communication about when/if he wants to settle down (with you). This isn’t a waiting room sis and we don’t have all day. Also decide for yourself when final decision time will be for you and once it gets to that point, make that choice- to stick out for more time if it’s going smoothly and how you’d like, or to go. At a certain point, he needs to know if he sees a serious future with you (or in general) and this isn’t just something casual, with you on a roster with others. Especially since you are dating seriously, not casually. Know that bonds take time and you have to be patient for a deep one. Have a conversation with him about his time frame and stance on settling down, without imposing your time frame on him. Just let him know that you’re obviously interested in him seriously and want to work towards a commitment. Don’t disclose your time frame, that’s for you personally because we want to keep control. You need to find out where he is so you can decide how you want to move.

What he’s doing or not doing with other girls we will never know. He can say one thing and be doing another. All that you can and need to worry about controlling is how you feel and your comfort dating him. If you’re okay with how you are being treated. If the answer is yes, stop worrying because it’ll only do more harm than good. If you don’t like how you are being treated, address it and/or move on. You literally have to give no fucks and go after what you want 100% and hope it works in your favor. So far he’s treating you very nicely to your standards and he’s seemingly honest every time you ask a question. He at least answers straightforward which is saying a lot. Focus on having fun with him, having great conversations, and trying to build that genuine bond. If you’re meant to work out you will. Be patient, but structure this where you have a clear understanding of what’s going and are happy with the choices you make, every step of the way.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Angela, Valentine’s Day

Message: What is a good gift to gift a guy on Valentine’s Day? It’s only been 2 months since we started dating.

After only two months of dating, a nice gift I’d say, would be a card. Most men don’t expect anything for Valentine’s Day even if you were dating for longer, so since it’s only been two months, a nice card will suffice if you want to get something. It says ‘I like you and I’m acknowledging Valentine’s Day as being a day where people celebrate the people they like or love’. In that card write something cute/flirty, casual and very you in it so it shows a little more personality and more effort (but not too much where it seems “overboard” for the time frame you’ve been dating) than just a measly blank or basic card that says “HaPPy vAlenTineS DAy”. Make this card a good one too. Make it funny and quality like from Hallmark or from somewhere else fancy. Plus after two months of dating, this is his test to prove and show his interest in you, because we all know this holiday is for the ladies for real, so we aren’t going all out yet.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Unseen Peace,

I believe several of your dilemmas here can be resolved by releasing the fucks you give to people. You can’t live freely and authentically if you’re filtering everything you do and say. Take the filter off and be yourself unapologetically. Anything can upset anyone so you have to accept that. You’d rather be you and please yourself than being someone else, pleasing everyone but you. Social media isn’t a place for your personal business because you’re absolutely right, it’s a harsh place and if you aren’t offending someone or affecting someone with your speech, you’re also inviting them to weigh in or comment on your personal business and you don’t want that energy all of the time. So if you can’t confide in a friend or relative about really deep personal things (and social media isn’t appropriate), then invest in a journal. Sometimes it’s better to journal because you express yourself avoiding anyone else’s opinion. Whether it’s a good or bad point of view, sometimes that doesn’t even matter, it’s just good in my opinion, to not always rely on someone else for input. With many things one can express or would like to express, you’re all you need as support and to gain clarity.

When I want to express myself, I do just that. A lot of times I retreat inside because I’ve become enough to give me what I’m in need of (most of the time). Sometimes just getting whatever it is out of my head (and into a journal or a blog post) so I’m not thinking about it every second, is truly enough. When I feel like I need another’s opinion, I go to my brother or one of my close girl friends. I don’t even go to these people for the same things. That’s also key: knowing exactly who to go to what for. Not everyone is the same and sometimes you may need an opposing opinion just as much as you’d need a supporting one. Figure out who’s who in your life and go to them accordingly. Also, figuring out who is mentally and emotionally able to be your confidant. Everybody ain’t built for everything and some people know how to empathize and handle you, over others. But also practice not having to go to anyone. Develop yourself into what/who you need so going to someone is an option and not must. To do this, start thinking about what it is you need along with expressing yourself. If it’s positive reinforcement, acceptance, or simply to vent about what you’re going through personally, be that for yourself and journal. If it’s moral support or and outsider’s opinion, go to the appropriate people in your life for whichever it is. And if you don’t have those people in your circle as of now, that’s okay too because when you are able to determine who/what you need, you can add and delete people accordingly. You decide who is in your life. Don’t surround yourself with people you can’t talk to. And be able to feed yourself because when you have that ability, you never starve.

Give yourself permission to do what it is you want. Take your life into your own hands. If you worry about other people, you’ll never progress. What others think and feel, you have no control over- you’d go insane worrying. You literally have to not care. It feels better to stand alone in your truth than to appease everyone and you feel alone in a room full of people. I’ts a true test of genuineness for the people in your life when you be who you are. You will see who really loves you and not the person they think you are. Don’t be afraid of the consequences of being yourself.

I went through a similar period in time more than once, but to get through it, I had to 1. reevaluate my circle And 2. I wrote in my journal for DAYS. To be honest, writing in my journal helped more. Once I released the thoughts so they were no longer swirling around in my head, I felt sooooo much more free and a load was lifted off of me. Because you know why? The thought was completed. I was done and I could move on. It’s like having to do math homework and you have an equation. At first it looks confusing as hell but once you begin working out the equation on paper where you can see it in stead of in your head, you break down the problem and you see how to solve it.

Lastly, if all else fails you know you got me. Truly.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Lashawna Hollins,

I’m 25 and my life is giving: soulmate WHO? There is no time stamp on anyone’s life. There is no set time where things are “suppose” to happen for any of us. You’ll stumble upon that person when the time comes. Plenty times I’ve heard that the 20’s are for discovering the tools it takes to build that foundation. You may think or feel like you know yourself and you reflect on yourself enough to have laid a pretty solid foundation, but true discovery of self comes from experiences. At 22 and even 25 the experiences, the real experiences, have yet to happen. A solid foundation takes years in itself and then after that, there comes more building. Travel with yourself and your friends. Baecations aren’t the only fun you can find in a trip. Don’t wait for a man for ANYTHING, especially seeing what the world has to offer you. Your life is about you, a man is just an accessory, just something to add onto your already established life and self. Besides, we want men after they become men, not in their foundation building stage where there are holes in the floor, half a ceiling; barely any structure. Most guys aren’t even ready to settle down in the early 20’s and we as women need to take a lesson from them. Have fun! Find companionship in friends and family and date freely and loosely. Everything doesn’t have to be a long term relationship, but at the same time, not everything is a fling. You can find fulfillment and there are great lessons to be learned, in dating. Don’t attach yourself to any imposed ideal or any outcome. Experience as much as you can and build your foundation. We are in the same boat though sis, trust me. I have to affirm these same things within myself all of the time because it gets frustrating, and v lonely. But at the end of the day, you can’t rush life no matter how hard you try so we have to remain patient. And what a better way to kill time than doing EVERYTHING BUT worrying about men?

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Petergay Wilson,

I think you should take it slow and see how this courtship with him flows and where it goes. Don’t think too much about it, just enjoy. KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN though. Not to look, but to see as things may unfold. You’re new into this courtship with him and as time goes on and if you guys get deeper and deeper and into an actual relationship, I’m sure you’ll end up meeting his children. That’s not a relationship or situation you need to worry about this early in the game. Those are his children and there are many factors that goes into introducing kids into the mix i.e how serious you become, his bm, his own personal comfort etc. That’s something you have nothing to do with, nor can change so it’s best that you don’t even worry. No rush to be step-mommiana. Now, to the real dilemma part of this. I don’t personally believe he picked up a friend from work at 10:50 at night. To me it sounds like his bm rang, and he ran. Especially considering he didn’t call or text updating you on his whereabouts since he said he was coming back over. I call bullshit. Because where the hell did he go?! And why not come back if you say you are?! Nah. Stay detached from this man, enjoy the ride and be ready to exit when it’s over- EXPEDITIOUSLY. That feeling you have that he’s holding something back could literally be because of his relationship or continued fling with his kids’ mom. Who knows what underling conflicting feelings he’s having that’re taking a toll on his mental and his energy around you. Don’t second guess his interest in you, but something is up. Don’t overthink and drive yourself crazy- things will unfold how they are meant and when you need to know, your eyes will be opened for you. Trust your intuition. Don’t attach yourself to this man or to an outcome. Go when the fun is over or if it gets too complicated.

Now, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t throw a little optimism in there. There is a small chance that this is something that can build into more, but DON’T allow hope and yearning to handicap your vision or decision making. Enjoy this and allow it to unfold. Even if he is messing with his bm right now, you both are single still. If he wants to commit down the line, do what you feel. But if he seems elusive, seems to start playing games and is hiding something, or it becomes messy, jump ship.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Cobby P, Moving too fast

This one is rather simple: don’t sleep with him. If that’s something you want to hold off on, you have the control and the power to make that choice. Instead, when you’re planning to link, make it so that you’re going out in public doing something fun and engaging. Avoid drinking even, if alcohol is something that would shake your self-control. Avoid going to places with beds lol and keep those eyes on the road, if you catch my drift. Set yourself up to not have sex. I know how it is to feel temptation and I’ve had to do this as well. Giving myself one more date (or however many) until I was like “aite bet”. And even with my friends! We have full blown strategy sessions on this. There are so many other ways to spend time if you want to keep yourself from giving into your desires and impulses. Top golf, Sky zone, indoor go-carting, skating, dave and busters etc. Of course these places may or may not be available depending on where you live, but find all of the interactive activities where you are and take advantage! These are perfect places for casual candid interaction, bonding, and also gauging a person to see how compatible you are together. You have this power, if you don’t want to do something, exercise this ability.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Dess, 20, Intentions

Don’t read to much into his comment/compliment after your date- I’m sure you did look bomb af! And most guys are flirty like that. If he goes into bringing up sex in conversations often (randomly) or constantly questions when you’re going to come over or asks to come over, then he’s leading too much towards sex, or at least showing that it’s become a priority of his. It’s nice to be desired, but men should find a balance between showing interest/desire and being sleazy and pushy. Pay attention to the kinds of dates he wants to plan with you and the topics he chooses to bring up in conversation. Guys have easy tells overtime because it gets harder and harder to mask when they’re ready for or wanting sex. If it comes up and you feel like it’s too early for you, most times it’s easy to talk past it while acknowledging what was said. Do it playfully but direct enough that he gets the hint that you aren’t quite there yet. If it happens too much for you, he doesn’t care to chill out, and if you’re uncomfortable and turned off, toss him back into the sea for the other fish. Right now, don’t make a huge deal, just pay attention and if you feel it to be necessary, definitely steer the conversation and interactions with him to see where you both want dating one another to go.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Milli, 19, Opening Up

I think you’re onto the right track as far as wanting to develop yourself more as a person and focus on you before getting into a relationship. I don’t think you should stop yourself from dating or meeting new people though. Unless you’re really healing from something traumatic or you know that you’re someone who would be easily distracted from your personally goals while dealing someone, dating and growing can happen simultaneously. You shouldn’t stop a genuine bond, friendship and potential relationship from happening organically. Especially when it’s something you want. All you need to do is take your time with whomever you’re dating. Relinquish the thought of “oh this guy would be a good partner” when you first meet someone and overthinking the situation, just focus on befriending him and enjoying the getting-to-know process. This phase can even stretch over a few months so at the same time, you’re still allowing yourself that flexibility and ability to focus on yourself. Take out any pressure you could be applying subconsciously or even consciously.

Also, opening up has levels. Don’t hold back from allowing the guy to get to know you, but you can hold off on those deep intimate details you feel vulnerable or uncomfortable disclosing, until after a few months or so. Have fun with him and drag out the dating process if you need to. There’s no need to miss out on this good guy or any in the future because you’re psyching yourself out. Opening up to him can even help you through certain issues, you never know. Take your time, let go, and let it flowwww.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey BG 19, Dating

Sis, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not going to change. I’m so sorryyyyy! That’s the part I hate too. To combat that I’d have to say don’t allow the thoughts to consume you. Keep busy and keep focusing on yourself when you are dating someone. A few things to remember when you’re dating: don’t allow them to swallow you whole where all you have in your life is them- don’t loose yourself or stop growing; create and maintain your own life separately (education, career, social life) etc., don’t overthink and drive your self crazy- only worry about what you control regarding them, enjoy each moment, be honest about it (how you feel about the situation and that person) and lead with pure genuine intentions.

Now, about your virginity, I was picky about who and when. I lost my virginity to an ex that I was with for about 4 years and we were like two years in- I was 20. My only reservations about it was my comfort. Create and wait for the situation where you feel the most comfortable, no matter what that is. I personally wanted to be in a healthy committed relationship because I wanted to be able to guarantee to myself that I trusted that person enough to not regret the whole experience. I did it on my own time when I felt like I wanted, without coercion or pressure. Trust was also important to me which is another reason why I waited for those circumstances. I knew my ex thoroughly and knew that I could trust him with my body and my spirit. I trusted him emotionally and then physically. This is me though, only you can determine what situation is ideal for you. Once you determine that and it’s truly truly what you want, don’t allow anyone to change your mind. It’s about what YOU want, not anyone else. Don’t think of sex as you giving a man power over you, to me it’s the opposite. It’s you being in control and having ALL of the power. You dictate and choose who, when and where. You have the control and power over yourself. And vice versa. We all have power over ourselves and choose what we do with this power.

Whether or not other people find out depends on the person whom you share this experience with. If he’s messy and talkative then he may talk, if he isn’t, then he may not. A person who respects you truly, wouldn’t go flapping their gums about your personal business, especially if discretion something very important to you. Be sure you really vet that man and know who you dealing with. Also remember that you ultimately have no physical control over what people do so, there’s always a possibility that you may have to deal with people finding out. If you’re comfortable with that person, with making that choice and with yourself, you shouldn’t be too phased by it, past the fact that somebody is running their mouth which I loathe as well. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s natural and it’s human. It’s your body and you shouldn’t be ashamed of that as well. As long as you create the experience you want and that you are okay with, I don’t see a reason you’d regret it or be ashamed of it. Your body and your control of it should be embraced, by you.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Precious 27, Need a sign

Hmm.. Finding your purpose takes deep deep soul searching and listening to yourself. What brings you joy? What do you notice you are constantly called to do? What’s a reoccurring pattern you notice happening in your life? Ask yourself these types of questions and allow your mind to be clear and open to anything that naturally comes to you. Even if it’s something small, how can you expand on that particular idea? A lot of times, people find their purposes align in some way with servicing and helping others. Ask yourself is this something that resonates with your soul. The things about signs is, they aren’t always obvious or front in center, so truly pay attention to yourself and your life. Pay attention to the less obvious things that may go unnoticed. Signs don’t always come when you want so take the time and practice listening to you inner dialogue and your pure thoughts, be patient and allow yourself to explore every possibility. Also, don’t put so much pressure on yourself to figure this out. Your first purpose is to live a fulfilling life on your own terms- whatever that is to you. What other people are doing is their own version of this. Make yourself happy and do things that feed you. If you find a bigger “purpose” you do, but if you don’t, don’t have wasted so much time overthinking or beating yourself up about it. Especially over the things other people are doing. Regardless, you’re still here on earth, experiencing life, your default purpose should be to make the best out of it- however you can.

I hope this advice helps you -K

Hey Germani, 20, Sensitive or not

I definitely don’t think you’re being sensitive. There’s obviously a pattern of here. It’s like he enjoys antagonizing you, then downplaying his behavior. He’s picking you apart it seems- finding fault in just about everything you do. I believe you’re right in diagnosing his behavior as emotional abuse. He’s tearing you down in small ways- making you second guess your judgement, actions or words. This pattern, as it continues can make you feel small, incompetent and self conscious. I wish you would’ve added more instances and examples, but from the two you gave me, I can say I agree with you. If this is happening everyday or often, I’d break up with him. I’m sure you’ve tried talking to him about it when he apologizes for it. Try one more time before you dumb him. Explain to him calmly why you feel this way and tell him it’s got to stop because you’re at your limit. Break it down to him, how it makes you feel and explain to him what emotional abuse is- make him face it. I really feel like since he’s the type of person who always has to be right, he’s going to downplay his behavior and say you’re overreacting- basically gaslight you and take no responsibility. If he does, dumb him- there will be no resolution. I say talk to him and explain the severity of this one last time because he could just be an asshole and ignorant and oblivious to his behavior and its seriousness. There may be room for growth depending on the other incidents, whether it’s just a bunch of small things and him being a dick. This is only me providing another perspective because I don’t have the full full story, but if you’re already has this convo with him, feel it’s going to make no difference or there are bigger incidents of this behavior, go’on ‘head and break up with him. Who wants to spend their time with their boyfriend/girlfriend arguing? Who wants to feel demeaned and made to feel inadequate and inferior? No one. Don’t hesitate to break things off, these feelings are valid. Just measure the severity and determine whether or not this is something that can be fixed with effective comprehension and communication and an openness to change on his part.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

ps. I’d also love an update and or more details on this situation

Hey Shanay- 20 Carter

A lot of men think that when you link under certain circumstances like hotel rooms and “to chill” there’s an underlying unspoken meaning that sex may go down- if you haven’t explicitly told them straight up that this ain’t that type of party. If you’re linking up with someone for the first time, make him take you out of a date or go on an outing. You’ll see how serious a man is by the effort he puts into courting you. Maybe there is an underlying thought of sex on his part, but you’ll both at least be able to feel each other out and see if that’s a step you’ll want to take- mainly on your part since you aren’t interested in a sexual relationship initially, or if you would like to pursue a relationship with one another. Think about the tones you’re setting with these men. You aren’t wrong but you have to be intentional with your words and actions. Be up front and honest about what you want. Don’t be passive and and accept "Netflix and chill” dates and agree to spend nights at hotels if you feel like you’ll be pressured to have sex or feel like it may create an awkward situation sine you don’t want to Agreeing to certain type of link-ups and NOT saying aloud that sex isn’t happening will lead a man to try his hand or anyone really because of the person and intimate setting- especially in the day and age. They will think it despite you not giving out those vibes and they will become disappointed when they don’t receive. That’s just how most are. Some men only want sex or want it right away and aren’t up front about it so when they don’t receive it’s a big waste of both of your times and creates awkward situations. To avoid that, have the men you’re interested in court you- go out on dates. Talk to them and see what their intentions are with you. Tell them what your intentions are. When you said you linked up with that one guy freshman year and you said you think it was a sex thing, why is that? I don’t know, but if I wasn’t down to have sex with a guy or consider the possibility, I wouldn’t be spending the night with them. I personally don’t see that point in it. I wouldn’t want the guy to even try to make a move or I would be trying to avoid putting the thought in their mind. And even then, there’re better things to do together. Maybe you are rushing things a bit emotionally, just take your time and get to know the men who you’re encountering. Set the tone for the relationships you want to build. This goes for friendships as well as romantic relationships. In the meantime, build your confidence and your esteem so you will demand better and will better recognize what you deserve from others. You’ll hold yourself to a high standard and have everyone meet you there instead of settling. Your vision will simply be clearer and you will go for what you want. You need not be filled by other, but only be yourself. Relationships outside of yourself, are just accessories. They aren’t meant to add to your life, not fill. You are worthy of love before sex, you just have to become acquainted with someone who shares the same intentions.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Never New Stay True, Forgiveness

Forgiveness to me is letting go completely. You’re relinquishing any ill feelings towards him- without bringing up old transgressions. I feel like I’m not able to fully forgive someone unless they acknowledge to me, specifically, what they’ve done and apologize, very specifically, for those things. This is partly because, if I don’t know that you know exactly what it was that hurt me, I can’t know that you wouldn’t do it again “accidentally”, and if it did happen, I’d know that it was intentional and done with no regard to my feelings.

In order to forgive someone, you have to be able to say to yourself, I want this relationship (platonic or not) with this person, so I [essentially] am not going to let this issue get in the way of us. Forgiveness is an intentional and conscious decision that you have to make. If you can’t choose to let go, then you simply can’t forgive that person. If your emotions and your hurt are so deep where you can’t control the negative feelings you have towards him, then it will not be possible for you and you guys may need to go your separate ways for good. You have to accept what has happened. Take it in and digest it- without judgement or attaching your personal feelings onto the other person’s actions. You have to separate your feelings from his past actions, and instead, attach your feelings to your goal of moving forward.

It’s already been a year later and you’re still holding on to past hurt. YOU have to decide what it is that you want to do. You have control over what that is.

Now, forgiving him for his past mistakes in general is different from how you feel now, about not feeling appreciated and his actions not backing up his words. You really need to figure out what you two are doing. Enjoying each others company is different from working to repair your relationship. You want grand gestures and to be shown he’s sorry, but you have to make sure you are setting the proper tone. I’m saying, don’t allow this to become a “situationship” allowing him to slide, while you’re compromising your personal feelings because you just want to be good again. Don’t accept anything less that what you deserve from him, and if you want to be with him, you have to choose to move on.

Take some time to figure what is the best move for you. It may indeed be time to move on. Don’t compromise yourself and don’t force something that doesn’t feel right for you.

I hope this advice helps you. k

Hey Mikayla Smith, Peace

You guys are over. Period. You have to move on. It’s normal to have these reoccurring thoughts, but when you have them you need to force them out. Force them out with positive affirmation about yourself and the present situation of you being free from him. Who he’s with doesn’t matter to you. Good riddance. The issues that you suffered through being with him are because of him. What he did was due to him being selfish, disrespectful, misogynistic etc. It’s nothing due to any short-comings on your part. He’s a cheater and cheaters cheat. I’m sure he’d have that same behavior no matter who he’s with. You’re ego just didn’t want to “lose” him to someone else. Your ego didn’t want her to “win” when in actuality, you weren’t even winning being with him. Ego is how you want to be perceived, your self-importance and who you want to appear as. It isn’t fact or reality. Focus on yourself and feed your self esteem. Focus on the reality of where you are in your life: free from that toxic ass relationship and able to move on happily! He doesn’t matter, she doesn’t matter, what he’s doing doesn’t matter, who he’s doing doesn’t matter. Don’t be stressing out over no trash ass man. What matters are the things you can control, like your thoughts, your friendships, your career, your education, YOUR life, not his. Give your attention to those things. Once you create that habit, you don’t even think twice about ol’ boy.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Sky W,

Connecting with other bloggers and building solid foundations

You’ve said you’re already a social person so you’re already ahead of so many who have this issue. My experience with bloggers has been online. Either I don’t get out enough to these blogger events or there’s a huge shortage of bloggers in DC because I’m left connecting on Instagram (which I actually love!). If you’re having trouble connecting with bloggers in person and feel as though most seem unapproachable, I’d maybe try to build a rapport with them online first so when you see someone out in an event, it’s easier to approach them. Slide in those dm’s! And after you’ve met at that event, follow up on social media with a little message of how it was nice to meet them, a few details on the interaction so they remember you, and then suggesting you work together with little intro of your idea.

It’s always better and more authentic when you’re already a fan of someone’s work/blog and have background on their brand, because you won’t seem phony or shallow to them. As a creative, speaking for myself, it’s so annoying when people give me blanket compliments. I’m always left thinking to myself saying “he/she probably ain’t even read not nan post on my column!” lol. It means more when you can back your words up with details to show that you aren’t repeating the same compliment to everyone you meet and that you are genuinely interested in knowing them. Also shows you have a genuine interest and aren’t trying to connect with them based on clout, for a favor or to use them in anyway. This being a bigger issue nowadays more than ever because everyone seems to have an agenda, even if it’s not necessarily a “bad” agenda. This could even be a major factor as to why you may have had that negative experience with someone who was a little standoffish. Replacing “I love your work!” with “I love your piece on ___” is a small, but much more meaningful compliment.

If you’ve tried befriending someone via dm and felt the energy was off with them, I’d suggest trying what I mentioned above and seeing if tailoring your words and connecting to that specific person, helps break the ice a bit and opens them up a lot better. Dive in and start a conversation with your mutuals, engage with their posts and content! Build a connection with the person first and everything after will develop organically, if it’s meant.

Also, I feel like labeling them as “bloggers” instead of just another person you’d like to work or be friends with, may play a part in making it harder to connect. Thinking with that label may create an imaginary barrier between you and these “bloggers” because of the negative stigma you may have unintentionally attached based on a few experiences. That blogger is still just another person. People have personalities and some people are just harder to approach than others. Some people are for sure stank, but everyone won’t be. Keep trying! Most people don't even realize how they come off so don’t allow yourself to be discouraged. <3

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Renee 23 Loving, Depressed

I’m sorry you have to deal with this much, at your age. You have to try to find some time for yourself. Whether it’s during lunch or before or after work. Go out and meet people! On a small scale. I know how difficult it is to throw yourself out there and I’m not saying that. Start small and talk to your coworkers. Connect with your peers in common settings. You already will have much in common and can relate to one another from your experiences being there. These are people you see everyday so it’s should be much easier than someone random walking down the street or at the mall. Smile at people open up and make yourself seem approachable. People will come to you even. You just have to make them fell like they can. Doing so will add a little sunshine to your routine, you can have something to look forward to. I’ve met my best friend and another close friend at a job we all worked over 3 years ago. People who don’t like you, won’t deal with you, so if there’s someone in your life, majority of the time, it’s because they want to be. Because they do like you. Erase that from your mind, girl. Friendships are important in general, but especially for someone who doesn’t have close bonds with their own family. Our friends are the family we choose and we need people to share in the events of our lives, as human beings. We are suppose to connect with and support one another.

Other people don’t define you. Learn about yourself independently from your interactions with others. Discovering who you are can happen from paying attention to what you do or don’t like, your stand points on certain things/topics, what you enjoy doing, what you dream about or aspire to do in life. Find small joys and moments to steal for your own pleasure. Life is to be lived.

With your mother, although it may be a hassle, you have to find someone to watch over her while you go out. It’s apart of self care to make yourself happy. It’s your obligation to yourself. I would also try to find a permanent care solution. An in-home aid to help you daily throughout the week or someone who’s responsibility it also is to care for her. I truly hope I’m not coming off an insensitive, but you need help caring for her. My mother and aunt had to get someone for my grandmother. Go through the insurance and see if this is a possibility for you. At least for a few extra hours or days. All of this responsibility is falling onto your shoulders and it’s unfair to you. It’s self preservation to be a little selfish in life. It’s your mother so I know the love you must have for her and how it must really hurt your heart to feel like taking care of her is burdening you and you want to live your life independently of having to care for her. It’s not an abnormal thing to feel.

Luckily your only 23, so you have soooo many years left to live. Set the tone now, for your future. Work on building meaningful friendships and try to outsource some help with your mom. I’ve always heard the 30s are even better than the 20s so look forward to them and take it a day at a time, doing the most you can for yourself, everyday, to bring yourself out of an depressive episode or emotional slump.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Mrs. S, Emotional Abuse/Gaslighting

Firstly, I’m so sorry you had to go through this tumultuous situation. I think the best thing for you to do is to move past this whole ordeal taking nothing with you but the lessons you can learn. I can’t say to let your guard down because I wouldn’t be able to trust anyone else for a while. Not until they prove themselves over time with actions and verbal validation. Getting revenge is only going to prolong the feelings of hurt, embarrassment, and all of the other negative feelings this situation brought onto you. I would rather the time be spent becoming happier and healthier away from this. Your character over time will speak for you to the people who’re important in your life. Having the urge to control how you’re seen and wanting to “appear” a certain way, is the ego. ‘I don’t want people to see me as this and that. Or I can’t be seen as this or that”. Release that want and just be who you are. You know your truth and that’s all that matters. Prove who you are? To whom? Those people who don’t matter? Especially when it’s just on social media and half the people who saw those posts don’t know you and never will. It’s stronger to say “fuck y’all. what you do or say can’t touch me. It’s beneath me”. Be who you are to the only person that matters: YOU. Those around you who also matter will know your true character. Don’t give them the honor of having your attention and penetrating you emotionally anymore. Set your boundaries. That’s your right. You can’t control what people think of you or what they say about you. You have to exist separately and independently from that. Protect yourself, establish those boundaries and control who you allow in your personal life. Pick and choose people whose characters align with yours and people who you can trust. Then decide when you want to trust them and how much you tell over time. I feel like you shouldn’t date because you need to heal. In situations like these that cause us to question who we are, why we are experiencing reoccurring issues or when it’s a situation where we are attacked and hurt, there are long standing effects. You have to dissect yourself and first figure out how you were truly effected by this situation and what it would take for you to resolve those issues. You have trust issues, you have resentment, you feel unsafe and vulnerable, you may even have identity issues where there’s confusion about what you want in life and how you feel about yourself overall. Men will always be around so shifting your focus back onto yourself for a little while will be more beneficial for the long run. You even have to figure out how not to internalize everything you feel and instead, heal from it and release it so you can move forward. You have to figure out all of your triggers so that you won’t allow certain situations to overwhelm you, thrusting you into periods of depression. Learn how to relinquish control over the things you can’t change or control. Even figuring out why you were attracted to this guy in the first place. That’ll help you learn more about yourself as well. What do you look for in men and why? What do you look for in friends and why? What do you need to be whole?

Right now I think after all of this, you need time alone to soul search. Learn as much as possible about yourself so that you can become the best version of yourself. Once you are fine, everything else will fall into place accordingly. Don’t worry about anything but you right now, love.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Anonymous 26, Confused

Having dreams about someone doesn’t mean you have feelings for them- not in the least. I have dreams about people I see on my Instagram timeline that I’ve never interacted with. You’re just able to recognize them when you see them in your dream because it’s a familiar face. I’m no dream interpreter, but I can tell you this means nothing much. Don’t think deep into this at all. I had a dream once where I was rowing a boat down the street with a few of my classmates. What would that mean for me? Not a damn thing lol.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Dee Line, Alone

It totally understand where you are. I go through periods of times like this myself. It’s normal with all of the chaos and negativity in the world. You can feel lost, exhausted, frustrated, amongst a bunch of other things. To combat these feelings, I look at my life with tunnel vision. I look at what I’m doing everyday and make sure to fit fun and entertainment into my days. I change my work schedule to better accommodate my social life. I go out with my friends and laugh! If everyone let the bad things in the world affect them, everyone would be sad and depressed and nothing would get done; we’d all be walking around miserable. Instead you have to make yourself and those connected to you happy- even those who aren’t connected to you, sometimes. Spread joy and positivity and focus on creating accomplishing the goals you want for yourself! You only get one life so you have to do the things you want and not get distracted by the rigid things. It’s tougher to make friends at work because you never can tell how it will measure when you blur the lines of business and personal; try to make friends at school and see how that turns out. There’s a bigger chance of you coming across like minded individuals that you are able to connect with a lot easier. You just have to find your squad. Look towards people that you notice have the same interests as you and share a small convo or smile to break the ice. You have to push yourself and create the experiences you want in this lifetime. I’m glad you chose to vent rather than keeping all of this to yourself. Feelings like this, hopelessness and frustration, eat you up inside. Just keep going and have fun. Break the routine and break some rules (not laws, to be clear lmao).

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Makayla, Self love

Valuing and loving yourself starts with acceptance. You can’t be anyone else but yourself and no one can be you. That is POWER. You are literally one of a kind; exclusive! You have things no one else possess. Accept who you are because you can’t change that fact and embrace every aspect of yourself because it’s what makes you, you. You have to stop focusing on other people, other girls, because that’s not going to help you and other people don’t matter. Focus on the things you love about yourself, inside and out. Why are you desirable? Why are you amazing? You are amazing because ___. Fill in the blank with a list of things you love about yourself and the positive attributes you have. Because YOU ARE. Ain’t nothing special about anyone else, over you, but the fact that they know these things already, they love themselves and as a result, they exude the confidence they have within. You just need to get there. You need to practice uplifting yourself and gassing yourself up! I wouldn’t say you need a therapist for these things because I feel like it’s normal and occurs at some point in everyone’s life where they are unaware of who they are and all that they have within. They learned, I have learned and you will learn. You just have to will yourself to do so. Everyday there will be constant reminders, constant distractions of things that will challenge your self esteem and your confidence, but you have to be able to reassure yourself in these moments, you are fucking bomb sis. Get cocky on em! Do things that make you happy because it’s all connected! Happy people are beautiful. Acceptance of who you are and being confident makes you beautiful. Work on being your best self. You will fucking radiate!

Oh and block him, why are you seeing his likes? Fuck his likes.

XO. Your support means so much. I’ve always wanted a little sister so your comment makes my heart smile :’)

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Kas, Dating Etiquette

1. Once you reach a point of where you are both flirting or speaking openly about having sex with one another, that’s the appropriate time to bring up you both getting tested. It can be in a very casual manner like “hey, do you mind if we… just for my comfort and yours as well”. Also, you don’t actually have to raw dog it. Condoms are for your protection against stds. If you in the beginning stages of dating someone this should be your first method of protection, then after that first encounter after a while of dating, if you are both comfortable enough with each other, then have the talk about being tested so condoms can be an option (potentially). But if it’s early in your acquaintance with him and y’all haven’t discussed exclusivity, still use a condom. Who knows what’s he’s doing outside of you, he could raw dog someone else right after you get tested. You never know, especially when it’s someone who isn’t committed to only being with you, meaning, that ain’t your man yet sis. Stay mindful and protect yourself at all times.

2. Seems like you may be needing a sugar daddy, girl. I don’t know of too many men who’re going to “spoil” a woman or finance her business plans early into meeting her. That isn’t the norm in the dating scene. This usually doesn’t happen unless your’re in a committed relationship with a man or you are up front about wanting a man who can support your financially, which basically seems like trickin’ off lol. Nothing is wrong with it if it’s what you want, but if you aren’t talking about trickin’ then you just need to be dating men who’re blessed financially, so that increases your odds of being with a man who has the means to support your lifestyle and career aspirations if your relationship grows deeper. Your last option other than these are to date men of the same culture who’re accustomed to spoiling women early in the dating stage, where it isn’t trickin’ or hoping. Date the men you know are accustomed to the lifestyle you want.

3. Bringing up who you are socially shouldn’t matter when dating someone and someone getting to know you. I say don’t bring it up. That way you can weed out who’s genuine and who isn’t; who’s genuinely interested in you and who isn’t. Besides, it has little to do with who you are as a person: your character, your personality, your interests, so it doesn’t matter in the beginning. Let them know when it becomes relevant later down the line.

I hope this advice helps you! -K

Hey Ashley, What am I doing with my life? Sick of my bad decisions

I honestly think you should stop dating for a long while. Being in an eight year long relationship with someone who’s toxicity had you feeling insecure and uncertain of yourself and your self worth, has halted your growth as a woman. You’re only 23. This is the time where you need to develop your identity as a person and as a woman. You can’t do that being distracted by men and dating. When you grow and finally find that love you want, you will be able to handle it, you will be able to recognize it and repel what isn’t it, by actually know who you are and what you want. In general and not based on filling a void; a void left by your ex that treated you terribly or by feelings you want to satisfy. To really enjoy being with someone you have to enjoy being alone and being okay with being alone. Once you’re there you can add on extra because you aren’t dependent on that extra to make you feel. It’s like knowing your outfit is bomb and complete but then adding an accessory for more flare, rather than adding that accessory hoping that it’ll complete the look.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Sabrina, Relationship blues

I definitely don’t think you should walk away from him off of this issue alone. I do feel like there are small pieces of this puzzle I need to know to grasp the full picture, but off the bat, I don’t think this is an issue that is worthy of walking away. I feel like people who are willing to learn and adapt, can, and that if you work with him long enough he can change. Maybe setting the tone and being the lead in initiating this communication style will help more- get him use to it. Maybe he is truly uninterested in talking on the phone. Maybe this is just something you have to take the lead on. If he obliges when you do, that’s still effort on his part. It would be a waste to dissolve this relationship because of that- it seems so minor. Back in the day before everyone had phones attached to their palms and no one was accessible unless they were at home, how would you survive? Our parents and elders couldn’t talk to each other throughout the day and some of those relationships are the strongest. I say adapt. If you want to talk to him at some point throughout the day, just call or text him. Even then, we have jobs, stressors and general things that are occupy us through the day. I always say, one call at night to recap your day is good enough and one text in the morning to start the day. That way there’s more excitement, more mystery, more enthusiasm and more anticipation when you finally talk! If he can at least agree to do that, that should be enough. BUT SIS, if he can’t even make that effort, do you. If he can’t understand or he doesn’t care to understand that some communication between the time you guys see each other is important, especially to you, do you. It’s a completely different story if they are unwilling to adapt, even when you meet them half way with a solution that works for you both, like the compromise I suggested above and him obliging your efforts to communicate. Complete dead silence is totally unacceptable. If the latter is the case, give him all of the space he needs and only entertain him when you want and on your terms. Do you feel like you’re wasting years dealing with him with this issue or do you feel that despite the lack of communication when you aren’t together, what you have is worth the effort and worth staying together? It’s truly about what is important for you to have and his willingness to provide that, at least half way. If this is a deal breaker for you and you can’t compromise or he doesn’t want to work with you on small ways to better your communication, move on and find someone who can work with you. Relationships are about compromise and teamwork.

Also you should always be focusing on you and what’s in your best interest, with a man or not. You can do both. Remember that.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Andea, Networking for introverts

I totally understand your dilemma. I even struggle with this myself having a column and brand I want to build. My advice to you is to practice; start with small events, get your feet steady and baby step. Having a good friend or colleague with you if you can would help a lot as well, maybe in the beginning or at the bigger events- a friend to support you and to anchor you in when you feel like you’ve become too overwhelmed, at any moment. Choose the events wisely so you aren’t going to a million a week overwhelming and exhausting your social meter and you then realizing that you could’ve maybe skipped on or two because they were less important than others. Also I think it would help to set goals for the events you attend. If your goal is to meet specific people, target those people. If your goal is to just gauge different people and socialize, perhaps creating a goal for a certain amount of people you want to gauge at the event. Setting goals for networking events I feel will help your anxiety because you just aren’t there floating around in the sea of people talking. You can focus in on the goals you set, smash it and leave. Once you meet your goal, you can either leave or choose to stay longer if you feel your anxiety has died down a bit throughout your time there. It also helps because you don’t feel obligated to stay the full duration of the event, draining you more and more. Drinking helps with my nerves. ONE DRINK. Don’t throw back too many. MAYBE TWO. But that’s it. Only to quiet the nerves and to calm you- not for you to get buzzed, nor to get a little tipsy. The drink is just to soothe. Something dark always- whiskey is my choice. It always makes me nervous to give people this tidbit because I don’t want anyone to abuse this part of the advice lol it’s merely a cheat code that works for ME. You need to be of drinking age of course, aware of your limits and able to control yourself. If you have all three then this can be a tool in your arsenal maybe. If not, let’s pretend we didn’t see that part LOL. Invisible ink that bih. There’s also a book that I came across randomly that is very good and on this topic, it’s called “Hiding in the Bathroom: An Introvert's Roadmap to Getting Out There (When You'd Rather Stay Home)” by Morra Aarons-Mele. I’ve stopped reading it but since this exchange between you and I, I’m going to finish it this month. Definitely check it out! And let me know what you think.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jessica Sanchez,

Him wanting to move so fast is a red flag! He’s just finished some time in a halfway house and before that he obviously was imprisoned. This screams unhealthy attachment on his part. If he doesn’t “wife” you when he gets out and instead does someone else, then these reservations are absolutely correct. Don’t let his words pump you full of excitement. He isn’t stable enough to give himself the life I’m sure he wants so he can’t even begin to make anything happen for you; this is just a dream- wishful thinking at best. You can befriend him, feel free to help him with your support (emotionally not financially!), but don’t carry him or allow him to use you in any way whether it’s emotional, physical or financial. Establish strong boundaries now and enforce them; don’t become attached and invested until after a long time of consistency and results and then still remain cautious. You still have to be cautious; he’s younger than you and like you said, he hasn’t even lived his life yet. His feelings for you are very flattering, but he doesn’t remotely know what it actually is that he wants, from you and in life, yet. He has to discover that and that takes time and experience. Don’t wait for him, continue to live your life alongside him as you would anyone else in this world.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Nostalgic Nurse, I made a mistake

Deleting Instagram was a step in the right direction. You can’t get anywhere comparing yourself and your life to others’, especially when 99% of the time you’re assuming you know how people feel about their own lives and you’re believing what could easily be a lie. You’ll never live up (in your mind) to the fantasies people create. You have to have security in your own life first, in order to be undisturbed by anything someone else is doing (in life period). If you could implement or change somethings about your job to make yourself happy there, what would you do? Then think about if, how or where you can find those same characteristics in another position or occupation? You like helping others, well there’re numerous ways you can do that in this world. Try to find another path that you can align yourself with that will fulfill this part of you. If you can’t find it in a job at least find it in a hobby or side job and do that to fulfill you. Don’t bank all of your happiness on a job. Find other parts of your life that make you happy and enjoy them. Half of the world’s population probably hares their job. The only people that don’t hate their jobs are people who have found their calling and it isn’t even a job to them- it’s their passion. And others have ways to escape. If you’d say your passion is helping others, find out how to do that in different ways, ways that’ll make you happier, that are completely separate from your job and the work you do there everyday. Happiness fluctuates; it’s circumstantial for sure. You can’t give it so much power because most of the time we bank our happiness on outside forces. Look for and appreciate things like convenience, comfort, security, joy. Fulfill your life outside of work and you will feel the strain of your job less. You’ll have several things to look forward to and work towards.

You have to stay for the sake of your coin. But use this coin to plan your escape, whether temporary or permanent, long-term or short. Pick yourself up of this funk and put your energy towards finding what will fulfill you instead of focusing on the part that brings you misery. Appreciate the things you are blessed with. So many people are jobless out here and wish they had a job to hate. Be thankful, explore yourself and the potential you do have. The coins you’re are earning are providing you stability and options. Explore the limitless options and access you have.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jah M, My fiance/wife is pushing me away

You don’t have to give up on her or your relationship, but you also don’t have to trek through the mud with her through everything she’s handling mentally. She has to take some responsibility for her life, her happiness and healing. You’re already showing and telling her that you are here for her no matter what. All you can do it be there for her when she needs you. You guys are separate people. You can try to help her find her way, you can support her during her healing, but you can’t do the healing for her; you can’t take on her personal issues. She’s right about her happiness not being dependent on you. She has to find it within herself to accept what’s happened in her life, that it cannot be changed, and that she must move forward with her life and LIVE! Try to guide her as much as possible; keep a healthy distance and try not to smother her or pressure her to open up to you. Instead of forcing solutions on her or perhaps criticizing her coping methods, ask her what you can do to help her. Suggest some sort of counseling or assistance with her releasing her emotions speaking openly. Even a book might help if you think she’ll be open to reading; there’s an abundance of spiritual/self help books out here that I’m sure you can find one that’s tailored to what’s she’s going through personally whether it’s grief, relationships, career, self-motivation etc. Gift her a journal also. If she doesn’t want to speak to someone, she can at least talk these issues out with herself. As long as she isn’t keeping everything bottled up and masking her pain with substances.

Try to help her as an individual and for the sake of her personal growth, not as your wife and for your relationship/marriage. Definitely don’t give up! Work with her to overcome these hardships and heal from them. You guys will come out stronger after this. And if the time comes where you’ve exhausted all options, you may have to end the relationship (temporarily or permanently) to maintain your own happiness and health, but for right now focus on supporting her. Don’t worry about the bridges ahead- cross them when you get to them.

Hey Daisa, Moving On

If he says he doesn’t want a relationship then that’s the word. If you want something that he doesn’t, you’re never going to receive it. It’s been since the year 2016 and he still doesn’t want a relationship…. you’re wasting your time. Until he is ready there is no hoping, no wishing, no possibility. The only thing that is certain, is the time that’s passing you by. You say you are lost without him. You also say you aren’t happy. Well, you will not find yourself or your happiness until you separate yourself from him. You’re dependent. You can fix dependency by learning and adjusting to being without.

If you want out of the hole, first you must put down the shovel. The longer you stay the harder your circumstances will become.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey BIG BUNZ, NEW NEW

After high school is really when you start to meet many different people and form new relationships. Relationships that don’t only exist because you see each other everyday, or have been going to the same school or living in the same area growing up. You’re maturing and changing and will now be exposed to people like yourself and from different backgrounds. You’re braver than I am going out by yourself, opening yourself up to meet new people because girl, I’m 24 and sometimes struggle alone socially (unless there are drinks involved of course). In addition to than going out alone, I’d say try to scope the scene at your job or at school to see if there’s someone there you sense a chemistry with that you’d like to befriend. Those are common places where you’d see the same people and also you’d already share a lot. Being “gay” is a bit of an immature way to look at it, but you’ll see when you really start to meet girls that you fuck with that it takes a level of vulnerability to really bond in a real deep and genuine way with your female friends. If you’re not trying to bone then it’s not gay lol. Girls love each other! And it’s more prevalent now than ever that more women have been showing love and support for each other! Especially on social media too! If you have Instagram or Twitter, show love to other women and they’ll show love back. That’s a small and easy way to kind of shoot your girlfriend shot. It’s innocent and disarming; a nice little ice breaker. You can for sure meet and make friends from social media so if you’ve heard otherwise, dead that thinking. Once you break that ice and build a slight rapport with some girls, you never know who lives near you or close enough that you two can link and hang out. That’s what it is for after all, not all of the shit talking, bashing and unnecessary stunting of material things, a lot of people use it for. Heart eye emojis and compliments work, reply to some stories- engage! Even if you don’t meet those people, I feel like once you get comfortable engaging in general, you’ll be able to transfer that comfort in person when you’re out on the town. You know how many “Yaaaassss outfit!” have broken the ice for me to make friends? Plenty lol. Don’t be scurred. You have to put yourself out there to achieve so many things in life, so this is a good start to begin getting over that fear of rejection and those communication limitations. It is a very normal thing so don’t beat yourself up too much about it. You’re are laying the foundation for that new life you want!

Also, be mindful of the places you go to potentially connect with people. Going anywhere you might been anything. Perhaps go to places where you will meet the kind of people that’ll mesh well with your personality. A concert, a pop-up shop, sports bar, even a nail salon- I’ve seen tons of women connect while getting pedicures.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Mariah Chantel, Life!

What you’re describing sounds to me like a depression episode. I’m no doctor at all nor am I diagnosing you with depression, but people experience depression everyday. I go through days where my motivation to do anything is nowhere to be found. It’s uncontrollable at times and I, like you and many others, tend to beat myself up about all of the things I have to do that I just can’t or won’t. The advice I would give to you is DO IT. If you’re sitting there in bed watching a movie instead of reading that book you love but have been putting off, GET THE BOOK. Sometimes it’s just having the willpower to will yourself out of these fogs and choosing to do better. Laziness can be a disease as any other. You’re young so make sure that you’re developing productive habits. Trust me, I have days where I’m like I have ‘this and that’ planned to do and instead just sit in my room in front of my computer watching movies, so I understand, but then there are days where I have to be like “bitch, get the f*ck up”. And that’s exactly what I do lol. Yes, sometimes it’s hard, but what’s even harder is facing myself and disappointment in the mirror. Read that book, girl! Start small and everyday, do one thing that you’ve been putting off. Once you start to align yourself with the you you want to be, everything else will fall in line. Put yourself in the position to become the girl you’re envisioning! Seeing the fruits of your labor will be the positive reinforcement you need to keep achieving!

But also, if you are truly lacking a lot of energy, motivation or will do do anything, check with your physician to make sure your physical and mental health are good because that is also a huge factor.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Anonymous, Sex

It’s totally understandable the place you are. I’m actually in that same place believe it or not lol. It’s been about two years for me personally. I think the main things that are so important to women like us are trust, comfort and intent. We don’t want to share our bodies with any ole body and we want/need a certain level of and trust in the bond where we feel comfortable crossing that line. You want to know the person, not just use or be used for sex. Establishing a FWB (friends with benefits) would be the cure all. In order to establishing that kind of relationship you’d have to be honest with yourself and the person. Make sure you want what you say you want and relay that up front. Just take a leap of faith and shoot your shot with the guy you’re interested in. You don’t want a relationship, so you don’t need to worry about the complications dating can bring. Establish a friendship; a mutual connection and familiarity with the guy, and go for it. Just be sure to be transparent with your intent. There’s nothing to lose here as long as you’re open and honest. The label '“hoe” is place upon people who don’t even engage in alleged “hoe” behavior whatever that is (because it’s interpreted different by many) so who cares as long as you aren’t messy, are being safe, is honest with all parties and are happy with your choices. Go for it!

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Joe Joe, Relationships

There’s no telling why people do the things that they do. All we can do is what’s best for us and our sanity. To linger on those thoughts trying to figure out why is constant torture and unless you can get straight answers from your lady, I would advise you to just let it go and accept what has happened. Rather than decipher her actions and “why” she has made certain moves, focus solely on how you are going to act as a result of those actions. If you feel unappreciated, under-loved, overworked etc. you need to separate yourself from the relationship. Period. Even if you are able to get answers to your questions from her, what if you don’t like the answers? What if you can’t get “closure” or understanding from the person? Regardless, you’d still have to receive your own form of closure which is acceptance and progression. Never dwell.

I hope this advice helps you -K

Hey Edneza, Toxic relationship

There are for sure signs of a toxic relationship: when there’s no forward progression and you find yourselves arguing about the same things over and over again, not evolving and solving any problems. When there’s entirely too much negativity and you feel drained. Toxic means poisonous so anything that makes you feel like you, your partner or your relationship is being poisoned or hurt, that’s something that is toxic and when that something is reoccurring or always present, then the whole becomes toxic and starts to diminish. Negative feelings or damaging actions of any kind, on a reoccurring basis, will make a relationship toxic. I think there is also a feeling. That feeling is usually in my opinion, unhappiness, hurt, anger, discomfort- anything negative. When you are feeling these waves of emotions constantly, you’re most likely in a toxic relationship with whomever these feelings are towards or regarding. Sometimes you know, depending on who you are and how conscious and aware you are, but most of the time it’s hard to really know if you’re in the relationship because many people’s judgement becomes cloudy or they’re tainted or bias due to their involvement. When you feel like you need out or to escape to be happy that’s a for sure sign that the relationship is toxic. When you know the person isn’t good for you mentally or emotionally or even physically, and of course, if there is abuse of any form, that relationship is toxic and should be ended immediately.

I hope this insight is helpful to you. -K

Hey M Davis, Mother Issues

I know exactly where you are coming from here- I experience similar issues with my mom on a very regular basis. From my experience and also from how you explain her reaction is, there seems to be no true way to get her to understand how you feel; speaking directly should be the most effective, but it just isn’t. What I find to be the only solution that really works for me is to learn myself, how to let it go (it’s sooo hard). I feel like it’s also a personal exercise in how to not always react: to ‘woosahh’ and to control how I let other people make me feel. I feel like elders, and specifically our parents will never not see us as children- I don’t know whether that’s an inability or a refusal, but I do know that it’s most likely never going to change. So, I just have to change. They’re ours moms, we can’t just cut them off 100 percent; not all of the times are this challenging and we do love them, so what can we do? Space for sure helps. Along with space, I find it helpful a lot of times to just tailor what I talk to my mom about or share with her. You can kind of predict the things that you butt heads the most on so maybe you’ll find it better to avoid those topics when in conversation with her. There’s one other thing that you could try. Get someone else to possibly plant that seed in her mind. Maybe by someone else bringing to her attention how she speaks to you, it will make her realize it’s a serious issue, a general issue not “only” to you (even though that should be enough!). We aren’t “overreacting”, being “too sensitive”or “dramatic”. If you have someone who’s around and can attest to her behavior and will stand up for you, even in the slightest casual way maybe it’ll make it think twice about how she’s treating you.

I hope this advice helps you. K

Hey, ImMyMothersChild

THANK YOU SO MUCH! FOR YOUR SUPPORT IN GENERAL BUT ALSO NOW TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO CHECK ON LITTLE OLE ME! THANK YOU FOR YOUR APPRECIATION AND ALSO YOUR RECOGNITION! I’M ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU [ALL] AND JUST THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I’m doing well :) Just hanging in there. Learning growing and surviving! New content is coming soon! I hope you read, I hope you love and can take from it. THANK YOUUUUUU! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox -K

Hey Ameyah, Moving On

Moving on with life with him isn’t working just as moving on without him isn’t [right now]. Given that, it should at least be easier to move on without him because of your hopeful future with a better love. The fact that he may meet someone that his family loves more is something, if dwelled upon, will leave you miserable and worrying and nostalgic of those good moments, BUT what about the family of your better love? Isn’t that better? Let those thoughts bring you ease because let’s say you stay because of these things you’re worried about, will you be happy? Is it a strong enough reason to stay? No. The fact that you aren’t happy and that the relationship isn’t working despite your efforts should be enough to cure these thoughts and if not cure, help you get better until time cures. If he enjoys sex with his new girl? SIS, what about the pipe your new love will lay on you!? What about you sis? Forget his family and his this hypothetical new girl. We don’t care about them. We care about you and your happiness! Don’t allow these thoughts to poison your freedom and attitude towards your future. We don’t have time to dwell on things that don’t matter. It’s just your ego wanting to remain on top. If you do or don’t… okay and? It still won’t matter or change the facts. You’ll be fine. Focus on YOURSELF. Focus on your friends, your career, your education’ focus on everything BUT him. We want to move on right? Lets not make it harder for ourselves.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey, Jaye Melanin, Conflicted Heart

I think it would be a great thing to try to remedy this situation with your sisters, at least the ones that want to do the same. I understand that there is hurt there and mistrust, but start small. Hang out sometimes and chat and as time goes on, spend more time and talk a bit more. They are still your sisters and although you were hurt by happened with your father manipulating them, one of your sisters love and value your relationship enough to put her pride aside and apologize for her part in her father’s mess. That says a lot about her character. It shows that she has the emotional maturity to be a decent person; someone that you can learn to trust again. I don’t know if you can remedy the pain between everyone, but at least meet the willing family members half way. It’s important that you accept everything that has transpired so you can really move forward from this hurt. There’s nothing you can do about what has happened. The only thing you can do it pay attention to how everyone moves, who they really are and learn from what has happened. Really examine the situation and the persons involved. Are they people you would want and could have in your life if you were to take away the fact that you are related? If you do deem them worthy, then try. There needs to be a meeting point with each sister that you want to build with. You both have to acknowledge everything that has happened, speak honestly about your emotions and feelings about it, actively listen to understand each others point of view, accept it and respect it (even if you don’t agree) and then decide to move forward from it. You don’t have to agree, but you must acknowledge each others truths and accept that that’s how each other felt. That’s the form of therapy that can be had with those who’re willing. If you’re father remains an issue, only deal with your sisters. If he makes those relationships hard, cross him out of the equation altogether and accept that there may be nothing you can do about it. If he tries again to insert himself into your relationships with your sisters to ruin it, you and your sister’s bonds, trust and communication must be strong enough to handle everything internally; between you all. It’s a process, but with honest and open communication, trust, understanding, acceptance and respect, I feel like any relationship can work, you just have to put in the work. I would try if I were you, especially since you miss them.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Miracle, Discovering your gift

Message: How do you identify your gift? I’m 20 yrs old an still don’t know mine.

Your gift is something, I believe, that has always been with(in) you and to discover it I feel you need to listen and pay close attention to yourself. What’re the things you do well? What is that something or somethings that you feel drawn towards? I feel finding your gift can be tricky because there’s so many distractions in life; there are distractions at every second of the day so really pay attention to yourself and what you feel is a reoccurring subject in your life-something that could even be small, but when you put energy into the thought, can potentially become a large picture you can paint. Your gift is something that you can’t shake. Delve deep into your mind and spirit and ruminate on all of the things you enjoy doing- one of those things can be something you’re gifted in accomplishing.

Don’t feel pressured to discovering your “gift”. I think knowing your gift is comforting when you are possibly going through a confusing and uncertain time in your life because it brings some clarity and assurance, but you can tap into so much of your other potential and interests in the meantime. Sometimes not focusing on finding your gift and simply living, experimenting, and trying new things will bring you closer to discovering it because again, you can shake it and it’s always within you. You may have to experience a bunch of crazy, far off things before you are able to notice that one thing that keeps occurring and coming back to you. Don’t stress it, just keep living and learning and one day you’ll have that “ah-ha!” moment. I’ll be 24 December and I honestly am not quite certain what my gift is or if what I think it is, truly is. But I know one thing, I’m not going to let what I don’t know stress me out, because you never stop learning, especially about yourself and you’re only 20, you have SOOOOO much more learning to do!

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey, Dessy Dess- What’s Next?

I always say to my friends that if you can’t forgive someone, don’t rush yourself to do so. If it doesn’t sit right within your spirit, listen to that. After all he has done, I wouldn’t take him back. For a number of reasons: 1. You’re both young. I highly doubt he’s done with this “hoe” phase and you guys have broken up and gotten back together several times so idk what makes this time different from the others. You are also too young in my opinion to be dealing with this amount of toxicity in a relationship. 2. You have so much life to live, don’t waste time trying to make it work with him, especially when it’s hard for you to move on from what he’s done. It would be a slightly different story if you could forgive him because okay you’re at least more equipped to see where it goes and if he’s changed, but being as though it’s already troublesome in your mind, body and spirit, I advise you to just dead it. It’s TOO MUCH. He can be a cool dude all he wants, but he ain’t that cool of a dude given all the shit he’s put you through throughout the years. 3. You’re trust is completely gone and you’re going to drive yourself crazy overthinking and speculating. 4. Aside from the relationship aspect, you need time apart from this toxicity for your well-being. Being in this union is bound to take a toll on your mental health and self-image. It’s normal and it would do the same from any women. Dump him, move on, live your best life, and heal! You may think you’re good and you probably are on the surface, but just evaluate yourself and this relationship; what’s it’s done to you mentally and how it’s possibly affected your views on yourself, men and other relationships. Find the lessons to take from this situation and make sure you’re better for yourself and the next man later down the line.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey, Nostalgic Nurse

I totally understand where you are and you’re right, your story is very similar to many- you are not alone with this. You’ve just started this job so at least stay from 6 months to a year. That's enough time to really evaluate your position, what you want outside of this job and maybe this field, save more money and plan. You could just need a break so if it’s possible, try altering you work schedule a bit- giving yourself more free time. In the time you aren’t working, thoroughly think about your life, your joys, your interests and what you would do if you weren’t in your field and also what is it (specifically) about your job that you hate and what would make it better. If you want to escape you need to plan. Whether it’s a complete career change or finding temporary escapes in a hobby, side business, volunteering effort etc. that fulfills you. Don’t quit unless you have something solid lined up. Think about what you may be lacking in life altogether because whatever is holding you back from being satisfied in your career could be something internal. Usually I’m pro quitting and finding your happiness by any means, but if you do it on impulse, it could leave you in a real bind. I’ve learned that the hard way. At the end of the day you have a job that pays the bills so ride with this until you figure out what exactly you are missing, what you can do to find it and have a plan to get it. You can’t keep jumping from one place to another hoping you like where you land. Really think about your next more and make it a significant one.

Also, find little things that’ll make your workday worthwhile. Whether it’s lunch with a favorite coworker or something you treat yourself to after or during work. Finding this little piece of joy and satisfaction is a major key to being able to stick it out at your job long enough until it’s time to make your next mood. Even take mini breaks at work to do your soul searching and planning.

I hope this advice helps you -K

Hey Still Learning, Loving Me

I understand sometimes you do want some form of validation, applause support, admiration from others etc because I do as well. I don’t receive it often but I sometimes do. I believe it has to do with the kind of people you are dealing with and surrounded by and also how you treat them. Give compliments to others, tell them how you feel about them; everything you would like from others make sure you give it. Because sometimes people aren’t aware of the fact that they aren’t giving those things and if you are putting out that energy, they will return it. It’s like compliments. Almost always when you give someone a compliment they return it with one for you. Also, it opens up that channel of communication. Sometimes people aren’t able to tell what we want and what we need if we don’t show it. Show people that’s the language you speak and they may just learn it.

If you are met with “you’re weird, you’re complaining too much, you’re wasting my time, or you’re doing the most” you can either think/handle it it so many ways: 1. They’re assholes, they don’t care to understand, their not worthy of me, they aren’t my kind of people, fuck them. 2. Am I not communicating or expressing myself the correct way? If this is the kind of energy you are receiving from several people it could possibly be something that you are or maybe aren’t doing. These type of responses from others seem to be surface level judgements or misinterpretations so try, if you haven’t already, to dig deeper than the surface and express your emotions of why you feel the way you do with things. Make sure you’re you show them more of the depths of you that you say they aren’t seeing. Sometimes people aren’t able to look at you and see those things, you have to show them! You have to allow people in and open up showcasing different parts of you. No matter what, remain hopeful and have faith because you will stumble upon your tribe eventually. Just make sure you are putting out the energy you want to receive, you’re opening yourself up and allowing people to see the real you: you’re core and your foundation, not just superficial interactions or the surface of those emotions or reactions. People have to see your core in order to really connect with, relate to, understand and accept.

Don’t allow the world to make you feel like nothing although I know with anxiety you sometimes can’t really help it. Wanting/needing validation and attention is tricky and I believe you have to manage it. Try not to allow yourself to need or want it when it comes to you as a person or your worth, but maybe only when it’s regarding outside things like your career or business, fashions, material things etc. where if you don’t receive it, it won’t affect your mental or emotional health, you can brush it off so much more easily and it can’t stick to you. You have to be and possess the reasons why you need to keep going- never rely heavy on others for the important things. I totally get that it’s nice to hear those amazing things from others, but sometimes you just have to tell yourself and be okay with that until you come across your tribe that loves you and almost everything (because everything is unrealistic lol) about you.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jaye D., Two decades gone

I agree with your decision to remove her out of your life. I believe it’s very normal and human to feel envy towards anyone who possess things you yearn for yet don’t have- whether it being material or personal- but a friend and someone dear and near, should know how to step away from those feelings and still be there to support and uplift their friend. Her envy and jealousy seemed to be too strong to do that and for that reason, she would’ve, in my opinion folded on you somehow- in much bigger ways than just becoming distant or indifferent towards you. Instead of supporting you, being happy for you, celebrating with you, and also just learning from you, she let those negative feelings consume her so much that she couldn’t even hold a relationship with you anymore- such strong hate and lack of self confidence is dangerous. That’s not a real friend. A real friend would’ve had at least a spec of love, happiness and joy for you and you’re accomplishments. Enough to be able to sustain a friendship with you. It may be possible for some people to change, but allowing her back would’ve been too risky. Who know’s if she really could’ve shed that hatred towards you? Who knows what ulterior motives she had? And to appear back asking what caused you’re relationship to end as if it wasn’t because of her feelings and how she chose to act because of them, that’s a red flag to me. A mature genuine individual would’ve come instantly apologizing and acknowledging their wrongs from the start. Keep trusting your gut! It sure hasn’t steered you wrong here.

-K

Hey Danielle, Sex drive

From my knowledge and research birth control is said to have no direct impact on sex drive or the lack there of. If you hate the birth control you are on though, when you have the talk with your doctor about this, because you definitely should, see if he/she can give you other BC options. Having certain conversations with your doctor can be super awkward, BUT it’s important that you do push through it because that’s the only way they can really help you and that’s what’s important. (The time I had to talk with my doc when I got my first yeast infection, chileeeee! The world could’ve ended that day lol). Once you think and realize just how many patients with far more serious issues a gynecologist sees on a daily and just have throughout their career, your questions will seem super small, and also that there’s nothing a doctor hasn’t heard before. These are everyday normal concerns and occurrences- we all go through it! Just ask about the different birth control options you have, then throw that in there like, “what are the side effects to all of these options?” And see if a decrease in sex drive is one of them. In the meantime, take into consideration some other causes there could be like: too much stress, not getting enough exercise (cardio), not enough foreplay before sex, having a lack of intimacy or sexual chemistry with your partner, and also an excessive amount of smoking or drinking. Think about these other causes and see if implementing any of these changes help you, but in the meantime schedule that appointment sis!

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Mint 17, What do I do?

Firstly, congrats on your accomplishment! That’s an important achievement and step into the right direction.

You just need to focus in on yourself. When you pay attention to others you are robbing yourself. All paying attention to others is going to do is launch you into a depression, confuse the hell out of you, and take away precious time and energy you can be using to better yourself- SO STOP ASAP. The things that other are doing, are things you can do too- they are no different that you are, in the major scope of things. If you barely get hours at your job, demand more or look for another and dip. If you want to do more, figure out what it is you want to do and then actively pursue those things. Life will pass you by if you don’t focus on yourself and what you want to do. You don’t feel time passing when you’re busy or when you’re happy. I understand where you are in your life, I’ve experienced that too and still do on occasion. It’s apart of life- you reach a sort of milestone or point and then you begin to find yourself at a standstill where you aren’t satisfied with your life as it is. All that means is it’s time for some regrouping, refocusing and some new goals. Figure out what you want out of life, what it’s going to take for you to get there, and then actively work towards that destination. The most important thing you have to do, is break out of this fog. Once you make the conscious decision to strive towards more, you’ve already accomplished the first step. Make a list of goals, then write down the steps it’ll take.

You have the power to change your life. You then just need the know-how and that' just takes some research. Will you have to go to college? Will you need to get certifications? A certain trade? This is an important time to really dial in on you and what you want out of your life. This is go-time! Don’t beat yourself out too bad, this is just you wanting more and that’s amazing! It means you don’t want to settle. Once you learn to navigate these harsh waters, you’ll be able to really steer your life how you want from there on. You got this!

Also, at the times when I feel lost or depressed, to alleviate some of that worry, I like to read books on spirituality to help guide me and supply me with a bit of reassurance. So, if you want to try that method to kind of help give you a little comfort while you figure your goals out, one book that I’ve read this summer is the 7 Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. It’s amazingly informative and very soul soothing.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Darline C, Love

I commend you for making such a hard decision, but as we both know, it was what’s best for you. Remain on your path of loving yourself, your family and friends, your career, life etc. and don’t let the over thinking get to you too much- focus on the present moment and how you can make yourself happy in it. You ever hear that “idle hands are the devil’s playthings”? I feel it’s the exact same with the mind. When you’re mind is still sometimes it’s too easy for negative thoughts to fester or for overthinking to occur. Distract yourself with positive healthy things and combat negative thoughts with positive reinforcement and affirmations.

You’re evolving and that’s never easy especially when your doing things out of your normal, switching up your mindset and cutting dead ends. It’s normal to feel the regret and the mourning of the relationships and old habits you have to let go. Don’t think of this hurt as being punishment because your’re benefiting from this break-up. You’re hurting because you are a good person, because you have feelings and are feeling them, which is normal- you must go through the motions. I’m sure your ex is going through similar emotions in his way, but you don’t even need to focus on that. That doesn’t matter to the betterment of your health. I feel you though- you want him to feel punished since it was his actions that brought you to this point- it’s okay to feel that way, but it’s nothing you can do about it and your show must go on.

The best way to stay hopeful is to remind yourself of the benefits of your decision and also all of the amazing possibilities that there is. Have faith in the fact that you are a good person trying to do better for yourself. Take your ex’s mistakes and yours too and learn from this relationship (another bright-side) so that the next one will be better, you will be more equipped to weed out bad people and situations and also to be able to correct certain situations. A big part about living is faith. Nothing is guaranteed to happen to or for us, we HAVE to remain hopeful and trust that if we are good people and make good decisions that we will be rewarded by the universe. Be better, do better, choose better and you shall receive better in return.

Also, men and people in general are just trash sometimes, we can either try our best to mold them/help them change, or move on from them if we don’t want to or if we see it impossible. Don’t blame yourself for any of their bullshit. Do what you need to creative happiness and do what is best for you at all times.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Nikki, Booty-call

This is definitely giving booty call side-chick tea, in my opinion. First, he's saying he wants to remain only friends because he doesn't want you to feel like you are "second to anyone"... second to whom exactly? If he doesn't have a girl already in his city, then he seems to already be (in his mind) placing someone before you. That alone is a red flag- he doesn't see or want you holding that number one position. I don''t understand thinking that yet saying, he loves you and can't live without you. If that's true, then why isn't he looking to making things official with you? I don't want to say the things he's saying are false necessarily, I'm just saying that does NOT add up. I would cut ties with him if you can't have a platonic strictly  friend relationship with him. He's definitely not interested in taking or making things serious with you. I wouldn't continue to have sex with him unless I was cool with a booty call/friends with benefits relationship because that's definitely what it seems he is trying to implement here.  If that's not your tea, straight up tell him that you aren't with it and don't hesitate to keep it moving if the situation isn't ideal for you because frankly, even a platonic relationship may become a little sticky and blurry if you can't step away from your feelings.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

 Hey Destinee, Letting go

Message: Why does it seem like letting go of people who doesn’t serve you good is so hard to do?

Letting go of people in general, is hard to do because of the comfort we grow with them over time and the attachment to them. It's not as simple as us being attached to bad people, most of the time it's that those people were once good for us or satisfying to a degree, and after we've gotten attached, they turn bad or we gain the sight to see the bad that was there. The fact that they were once good (or satisfying) is sometimes the sole reason why it's so hard to let go. We either try to keep hope alive thinking of all the good times, wishing they could be good for us again, or we think that maybe we can deal with the bad in return for the small pleasure, or it's just that plain ol' attachment and dependence; we grew to comfortable with their presence and think their absence will leave a void or hole, but in fact, the absence will bring more peace and that's  always worth the temporary ache. When someone proves to be a toxin to our well-being, we have to say fuck the good times and deal with the temporary hurt of ripping ourselves from them. 

Remember it's always good to clip those dead ends girl, and even though you are sacrificing some length, just know you'll come back stronger and better than ever.

-K

 Hey Live Deeply, I'm a step mom... lol

 Lordy lordy lordy, this is really quite the predicament, sis! On one hand it's like okay, we weren't together so it isn't technically cheating, but now on the other hand, this is still a life and relationship altering consequence and despite you guys being back together,  nothing will be the same- cheating or not, that's hurtful. Men can be extremely selfish and unmindful- you deserve to be comforted as much as he wanted to be. He knew you didn't want to talk to anyone with children and it isn't your fault he went out and made a reckless mistake. He probably regrets it, but unfortunately for him, he has to live with his mistakes and that could mean living without you, because you shouldn't have to feel stuck and settled into a situation you told him you didn't want (from the start!). He doesn't have that luxury of being comforted and it's low that he couldn't put a pause on his little self-pity party to comfort you. No matter what you decide sis, make sure you make the decision that's best for you! You are 19 with a long life to live, don't settle for anything less than ideal for you. It would be selfish of him to think you'll compromise your standards for him given how everything has changed. Sadly, he now falls under the category of the guys you don't want to date (sorry, but not sorry Dads), so he's on the chopping block now. The least he could've done was comfort you to potentially persuade you to staying and being step mommy, but he couldn't even do that. Smh. I'm sorry that you ended up in this situation, but no matter what you decide, there's no judgement here. Do whatever brings your spirit comfort.

-K

 Hey  Destini, Relationship

Don't feel bad love, you did all you could do by sticking in giving him opportunities and times to change and to make you happy, but he failed and because of that you have to be done for your own sake. The timing doesn't matter, everything happens at the time it's suppose to. Maybe you needed to try and fail and try and fail to see that there is no more trying because succeeding with him isn't possible.  Abuse in any way should not be tolerated. As the legend herself, Phylicia Rashad, said in the In My Feelings video, "don't forget to go when you leave". Leave sis, and stay gone. Love should not take a negative affect on your relationships with other people, your education or work; love is suppose to be supportive and satisfying. Love is suppose to bring joy and be blissful, not hurtful and heavy. Go get yourself and your life back on track. The positive thing about this union is the teachings it has given you so don't feel bad or like you've failed. I'm proud that you've come thus far as to identifying the problems, how you've be affected and that you need to leave. You're already where you need to be! All that's left is willpower and everyday make the choice to stay gone. You know what's good for you- trust the decision you're making for yourself! Get in touch with your spirit and allow yourself to flourish. 

-k

Hey,  Anon Qstn

I'm extremely sorry you feel like this. If I felt this way I would look to myself and ask why I feel this way. There are so many wonderful things in the world to find joy and love in, especially yourself. Find and focus your mind on positives; the things you love, or can love. There has to be deeply rooted issues that I can't help with without any context and even with context, I don't know if I even have the skill set to truly help you at the core. There are many therapists so even if you can't trust the one you have now, try finding another and another- the right therapist can really help; most are equipped with the proper tools and intelligence to do so. Maybe your life isn't ideal right now, but discover the things that will make it better and fight to obtain them. Lives can be created, you create that life based on your desires and needs. Even self. Map out the ideal person you want to be and find that person within yourself and become that. Everything that you aren't, you are. It just takes some patience, growth, a little digging and a lot of work. I'm a list maker myself, so make a list of everything you do love (in life and yourself), even like (even if it's a little bit or just little), also list the things you want/desire, and list the things you need to make your life better for you- a life you won't hate- and once you're done with the lists, work everyday to compliment yourself on the things you love about you, do/experience at least one or two things you love, find out ways to achieve at least one or two of your desires and work towards making one of two of those things you need for your better life, a reality. This advice could be bullshit to you, but it's always helped me to focus on the positive, the things I do enjoy and the life I want and can possibly have one day, that helps me out of my cloudy days. It helps me to also look toward the future in which new days are. New days = reset and a fresh opportunity for better. And everyday is better for me when I do at least one thing I love and if you can do that everyday, that's a better step. Also, make a list of all of the things that're bringing you down that you can change in your life and try everyday to eliminate or exchange at least one of those things for something better. Sometimes we have the solutions to our issues and just have to make those solutions clear so we can see and then act.

Again, please for me, try to find a therapist who you can trust. Even if it's on Talkspace (it costs like $30/month but please don't be discouraged). It's an app with trained licensed professionals whom you can speak to online any time you want, that are equipped with the tools you may need. I only have my knowledge from experiences and myself being to speak on and I personally feel limited and would hate for it to not be enough. I want you to truly be able to move through this dark place.

I hope this advice helps you, even if it's just a tiny bit. -K

 Hey Makayla B, Should I fall back?

I say fallback because his attention is being diverted. He's probably over it and we know he's talking to someone else. You've already tried to make it up to him, but if his actions are telling you he's uninterested in talking or seeing you, despite what he might say, I would fall all of the way back. Yea okay you ghosted, but now your're back so now what? Don't let him have you just hanging in the air- you aren't on standby. You aren't waiting for him either.

It's definitely a lesson to be learned here. You can and have a right to take your time alone, but to fall off of the face of the earth is unnecessary in my opinion. Give the next guy a heads up or you may find yourself in this predicament again. It's the same thing when guys ghost us, we don't like it, so don't do that to someone else. You don't need to explain yourself in full detail, but you can give some notice and even break your isolation a little bit just to reassure the guy of your interest and to let him know what's going on. Honest communication can save a lot of time and energy.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Cordelia Norvan, Friends

Message: Lately, my friends have been sharing a lot about their relationships, and I feel like it’s slightly annoying me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m still getting the backwash from my recently abrupt ceasing of a relationship; or I’m honestly concerned about the decisions they’re making. How should handle myself with them where I don’t come off as “jealous” when I’m really just annoyed about how they’re going about things when I know they’re smart women?

   To refrain from coming off as jealous (or any other negative way) you have to be careful with your approach. Keep it simple and remain calm. Also don't talk at them and down to them, instead explain to them your perspective on their situation and try not to judge or bash them personally. Separate your friend from the problem and when your talking to them about their problem, discuss their problem and it's solutions, not how you feel they are being. Sometimes you may have to be brutally honest and like "sis, you're being naive" or "girl, this is not the smartest thing to do", so if you have to, sugarcoat it like I just did. Always try to find the best way to deliver a message because it's all in how you say something- don't be out here hurting your friends feelings and being disrespectful. Lead with empathy, love and understanding, not annoyance, attitude or judgement. Also, check your thoughts too. Make sure you are being fair and not tainted by whatever personal feelings you may have toward the situation for whatever reasons. If you feel like you may come off too harsh or your opinion is bias, keep it to yourself. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Kiki,  Friends

   I've been going through the same situation with some 'friends' of mine. I know for sure that true friendships and relationships don't need to be forced. It's hard to repair or remedy a situation with people who aren't being upfront with their issues with you in order to create that open dialogue to get everything out in the air. What I can tell you and what I'm learning myself, to deal with my friend issues, is to think about the big picture. It's easy to fall into the petty ish of who's hitting who up first (that does matters a small portion), but when you think about it, that doesn't matter in the fill scope. What is all boils down to really is effort and interest. Are you putting forth the same efforts that they are or aren't? Are you interested in hanging out with them and do you feel they're interested in doing so as well? At some point you get tired of the back and forth and shady mess. If you think you can do more to spend time and hang out with them, and you're interested in doing so, reach out and try to link. Because what matters is the relationships. If you feel like these relationships are worth keeping, make your best efforts to do so. If that energy is used well and reciprocated, perfect- you can even then try to discuss why they seem to exclude you from certain moves. Try to really solve the issues. Now, if you don't really care to maintain these relationships and they aren't fulfilling you, (looking past the history and years) then don't even worry about them excluding you, do you and let nature take it's course. After a while the universe has it's way of ensuring the right people stick around and the ones who aren't suppose to, kind of drift out.

   I personally will never make or try to persuade anyone to hang out with me or want to be in my life, so if you feel like this exclusion may be deliberate or they just don't seem interested in really maintaining a friendship with you, dead it and let them be together (since that seems to be the stronger bond). Like I said before, you don't have to force relationships with people you genuinely have chemistry with. I'm learning to value and put forth more energy into the relationships that fulfill me rather than be annoyed or upset about those that don't.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Nasia, Fitting in

   College is much different than high school. Everyone is doing there own thing. You can feel alone at first because no one is checking for you really, so you should get use to being alone and find peace in your own company.  In high school you can tell who's "popular" because high school is small- much smaller than college- but once you get to college you kind of find your own tribe based on things you have in common with other people and people you gravitate toward and vice versa. Everyone is kind of popular within their own community and you don't really see the divide that you probably did in high school that made you feel out of place. If standing out is important to you, you can join organizations, but for your own peace, you shouldn't pressure yourself into "standing out" if you stand out you do, if you don't you should also be okay with that. Being you is being "somebody" because you are someone. Grow into yourself- your authentic self and standout as you. I understand wanting to establish a name for yourself and making a contribution so you should find a club or organization that fits you- there you'll def meet people. Don't worry, just be yourself; you'll find your tribe.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jedidah, Boy Problems

   You've only expressed to me that he doesn't text you "good morning beautiful" type texts everyday, I wouldn't be "upset" because of that alone. Consistency is important but it's more than just text messages. It's only been three months of you "talking" to him so I wouldn't sweat it yet unless you can feel a major shift- a shift bigger than texting. You also say that you and him aren't dating, so what exactly are y'all doing? You have to first establish what y'all doing and where y'all going before you can allow yourself to be upset over minor inconsistencies or try to hold him to a certain standard. Also, throw out the fact that he's "over protective" of you. Many people are just territorial and selfish, don't let him stake claim over you or allow that to hold any weight, if you aren't even dating. If you aren't together or at least dating exclusively, you are still single and so is he. If he can't establish interest in actually dating you, isn't actively pursuing you or keeping consistent communication, I would strongly consider cutting him off. Putting in the bare minimum is unacceptable.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Kii 17, Life

   What I think? I think you seem to be ahead of most people you're age and those who don't understand that somethings and some people aren't for you. You seem extremely focused and committed to who you are, who you want to be and what direction you are taking your life. As long as you are happy and satisfied that's all that matters. Being able to drown out what other people think about you is essential for existing in this world, especially when they aren't able to see the bigger picture. Keep doing everything that you're doing. You're absolutely right about the right people for you being drawn to you- real friendships happen authentically and easily. What're you expected to fake interactions with people you aren't clicking with just for the sake of "fun" and it being summer? Lol, naaa. You have your whole life to live and be social. Continue focusing on creating this solid foundation; you already there. F* making friends in high school, those relationships rarely make it after graduation- everyone goes there separate ways for real. Don't get me wrong, it's good to have some acquaintances to get through the school year with for support and companionship and some strong relationships do last beyond high school, but if you're not clicking with anyone or it's unimportant to you, it's nothing to sweat. Focusing on passing your classes, honing your craft, getting to know yourself and planning your future. As long as you are happy, no one else's opinion matters. You're doing amazing, sweetie. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey  Destinee 19, Heartbreak

Message: What’s your best advice for heart break? I’m finally standing firm on leaving my ex boyfriend of 4yrs behind. This shit hurts so bad. My head fills with thoughts of him finding someone better, his family liking her more. I have to remind myself, that if I loved him truly I should be okay with that and one day I will be happy with someone else too. I changed my number and all. I just so tired of us trying to work on our relationship but things keep ending up the same way. (4-5 month process) I’m just ready to be happy girl😩 but I’m so hurt of the thought of moving in with life without him   

My best advice for heartbreak is: don't dwell on the past, acknowledge and take accountability for your part in the demise of your past relationship and how you can be the best person possible for your next relationship, distract yourself with accomplishing goals and strengthening friendships, love will find you when it's time and have fun being single. Trust the process and your intuition.

   I'm proud of you for being able to recognize the end of your relationship and being strong enough to make that tough decision to move on for the sake of your own happiness. Get rid of those thoughts of "what if he finds someone better and his family liking her more", that no longer concerns you and it's not going to help you move on. Worry about you and your happiness. You feel like ending things is the right move for a reason; you're unhappy. Dwelling and focusing on the what-ifs is counterproductive.  Be positive and have faith in yourself and what you know is best for you.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Gabrielle, 18, Growing Up

     You will most definitely turn into a stronger wiser woman if you learn from these troubles and hardships. Speaking from personal experience of course, the only way you can become wiser is through understanding. When going through heartbreak analyze the situation: the positive and negative characteristics, how and why it went wrong, your contribution etc. Once you are able to see, understand and learn a lesson from each situation you're in you'll have that knowledge for the future. You'll be able to steer yourself in the correct direction or how to remedy an issue because  1: you'll be conscious of what's happening and are able to recognize the situation and 2:  you'll have those past lessons as references on what is best for you to do. All wisdom is is having experience, knowledge and good judgment.  Everyone's path is their own and everything happens for a reason, don't dwell on the negative things you've gone through, look for the lesson that's hidden within each experience and take that as a positive and carry on forward. Don't doubt or question yourself, love. Just because your friends aren't experiencing the same issues, doesn't mean you are alone. Soooooo many people including myself have days where we are depressed, question our self worth, and get our hearts broken. Shit, I just experienced all three today, no lie. All that's important is that we pull ourselves out in the end and learn how to manage these stressors and little spells as we go through them.  Living life is experience after experience, lesson after lesson. You're already of a path to becoming stronger because it starts with understanding and you're already looking into doing that.  You asked, will the trouble not mean much when you're older, well yes and no. No, because everything is temporary and you get passed it, but at the same time yes, it'll matter because although you've grown through it, it's still a part of you and it'll mean so much because it's contributes to your growth and wisdom.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Crystal Harris, 18, Boys

   There are plenty men in the world so don't think you need to hold onto this one and settle for something you aren't ready for. I don't think this is an ideal situation for you being 18 and he being 25 with a 5 year old. His life is just too far in advanced than what I feel is good for you being an 18 year old. Not that you can't handle it or because he isn't a good dude, because he could be, I just think the situation is a no. You aren't ready for marriage, or a child or the drama that most baby mothers have with the dads and co-parenting. I feel like it would be tolerable at first, but being young you can't shake wanting to be young and carefree and experience life and I think this will definitely hinder that for you. You will be stressed because me being 23 I can't even muster up the energy to even image being in the same situation lol. You have shit to do and this ain't it. Don't waste either one of you guy's time trying to "test" this out. Go before it gets too deep. Go have fun. Go learn. Go travel. Go do everything but this. He has too many responsibilities and you don't have time do deal with other people's responsibilities. Your own is enough and being 18 you barely have any yet. Trust me.

I hope this advice helps you -K

Hey Jofaye Brunson, Four questions

What made you want to start this blog? Every piece of advice that you give is well thought out and meaningful, how have you become so wise? Ever thought about writing a self improvement book? What challenges shaped you into the woman you are today?

   Firstly, I'm extremely flattered; thank you so much. I just try my best to empathize and understand everyone's unique situation and what they need to hear. I can't say I've been through extreme hardships, not the ones you think someone may have to go though to gain wisdom and to learn from, I would just say I've  examined myself and my environment enough to see that there is a reason for why people are who they are and go through what they do, including myself. I feel like when you are aware of yourself as a person you can be open to understanding other people because although we are all different, we experience the same emotions. To answer your first question, I just feel like I wanted to speak aloud (even if no one fucked with what I had to say) and to help people. I've always been the go-to person (for advice or insight) for people I know personally, so I just thought that I could and would try to be that to people I don't know because everyone needs someone. I feel like it's what I'm the best at or at least number one of the top 5 I guess. I honestly don't know how I can help people through a self help book ( I wouldn't know what to say), but lets just consider this website to be that- it's just a free version that you are witnessing me write step by step lol. I have always wanted to write a book though so I'll keep that in mind lol. I'm honored you feel this way towards me and for wanting to know these things. Thank you.

-K
 

Hey Hurt Granddaughter 22, My Grandmother Hates Me

   I'm so sorry you are going through this. Some relationships you can't mend and this one seems super toxic. It seems like your grandmother has some deeply rooted issues with you that your mom says has been passed down from her because she was also treated this way by your grandmother.  Find your own peace and keep your grandmother out of your business.  I would try to see why she treats you so harshly and is so critical; ask her and try to get to the root of these issues so they can be mended. If when you do that, there's no resolution or progress, then the only thing left for you to do to keep your peace is to never speak again. Do your part to gain insight on your relationship with her; try to find the answers as best as you can before you cut ties, but don't be afraid or hesitate to do so, if needed We can't choose what family we are born into, but you can choose who to have in your life. You can find a surrogate grandmother if that's a relationship you want, it doesn't have to be a blood relative.  Sometimes the best families are the ones we can choose.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Nina 19, Moving On

    I don't understand how he doesn't know what you two are building towards. especially since you two have been together for the past five years. To be together for that mount of years then all of a sudden have your relationship downgraded to just dating, would make me concerned about his true motives. What issues are that serious that you can't be together and fix? You should definitely take steps to separating yourself especially with him saying you need to make a conscious reminder that you are "nothing more". That doesn't sound like he is trying to build, but instead like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you two were actively building like you say, you should have more clarity on the issues and how they should and are being fixed- not just by being friends. Your mom is right about moving on. Move on for yourself and work on yourself. Shift your focus to work and career and friends and find happiness in other areas. You feel so attached to him because you are use to him and that's normal; give yourself time- be patient. Talk and see him less and less and grow use to him not being around or in your life.  You're scared of the unknown, but find comfort in the fact that life works itself out. There are plenty of men in the world, you just have to be patient. You two may even get together, but right now I don't think he wants that. Let this emotional load go; don't let this weigh so heavy on you. Accept what you are because that's the reality of it. There's no use in overthinking because you can't change anything right now. You can't get over him by remaining attached so either you two are actually working towards being together where you aren't "just friends" or  you are that and you should unattach yourself from him. Once you get use to not being around him and talking to him you can and will start moving on. Separate yourself from him and shift your focus.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Superstar Nineteen, Relationship and Sex

   I feel like you should end it because these feelings aren't going to just go away. You're curious and want to explore other people. You don't have to be completely honest and raw about the details because his feelings will be extremely hurt, but I feel like you need to explain to him that you aren't fully in right now and need sometime to figure yourself out because you have changed. It's not because of a lack of love, but I do feel like you have fallen out of love with him. There's is a chance that you may find someone you like better and not get back together and vice versa, so if you are willing to take that chance, you don't really want to be with him, you are just afraid to lose him and not find fulfillment in someone else. In that case you just want to save him for security and comfort and not because you really want to be with him.  Maybe in the future if it's meant, you'll get back together but for right now, you should end it to save any possibility of that, to spare hurting him and for your personal wants and feeling.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Myasisa, Friendships in high school

    I understand exactly how you feel. You value your friendships with girls and want to have a close knit friend circle.  This particular friend just isn't the right one for the person that you are. She seems very self centered always talking about herself and having no real input when the conversation is about you and not her. She seems like she needs to feel important, like a "somebody" and as if she is trying to become someone else instead of maybe who she is, or maybe this is really who she is becoming and you two just aren't the right match now. Either way, this friendship will not last (in my opinion) and that's fine. After high school you won't really keep in touch with many people; that's just the reality when everyone graduates and goes their separate ways. You are aware of who you are and the people you want around you and because of this, I don't doubt that you will find like-minded girlfriends; they will gravitate towards you and you will be able to weed out the right people for your spirit. You can slowly grow apart from her (it's going to happen anyway) and eventually the relationship will dissolve; don't try to hold on because she just isn't someone you want to be friends with (it seems); you're personalities are just very different. There may be a little friction because she's going to take it personally and feel attacked because you don't care to hold on to this friendship, but that's fine because you're motives are pure and you can't help that she's not a friend you want to have. It's life. Continue to edit your life how you want. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Ayanna C, Confused

"advice me sis" lol that's so cuteeeee

If you aren't sexually attracted to girls and don't want to even test the boundaries with this (lesbian) girl than you should stop with the flirting. Because although you aren't interested in anything with her, you can't say the same about her because she actually likes girls. Don't cross the line just because you like the attention she gives you. It's pointless to keep this up and lead her on with the flirting, even if it is fun. Let her know and be stern with your boundaries so she knows of your disinterest in her or being with a girl in general. On the other hand, you do think she's cute and you are flirting with her, maybe you are lowkey interested to see... have you thought about that? Even if you have never been with a girl and you say you aren't sexually attracted to her, you could be, so never say never unless you've actually tried. You either stop the flirting because you don't want to cross any inappropriate lines and lead her on, OR, you let this flirting get you somewhere you secretly want just as much as this girl.

I hope this advice helps you, sis! -K

Hey Angie 19, Dating

   Play it cool right now because you're new there; you don't want to seem messy or unprofessional pursuing him too soon. You have it easy because you work with him so you're always going to be around him so take those times when you're on break together or getting off, to chit chat with him; get to know him and feel him out. Feel him out to see who he is as a person and to see if he really likes you. Give it time, work and be friends with him- talk about work and what he does outside of work etc. After a month or two of working there being friends and getting to know him more then if you still feel like you like him or that he likes you, suggest hanging out or going out. In the meantime when you're talking to him be cute and flirty ( not obvious or extra) so then by the time you propose you two hanging out he understands it's more than casual because he'll sense that you like him OR he might even ask you out. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jazmin F, Making new friends

   I think before you worry about making friends, work on building yourself because once you're on a hundred, that energy will translate to others and you will be able to connect better. Those feelings of feeling judged by other women will go away once you're more secure with yourself because you won't care nor be phased. Feeling more confident and self assured will make you not have to force likability because the you will be genuinely likable and the one of the most important parts about making friends and building relationships is being yourself. You need to get to know yourself and accept who you are, your flaws, embrace and love them. You have to be happy and satisfied with how you are purely. Figure out why you are standoffish with other women; figure out the root of those feelings and correct them. You may be projecting your own negative feelings and insecurities onto other women- your fear of being judged may be because you also judge others so make sure you aren't. Be aware of the energy and vibes you spew.

  I gained my confidence in acceptance; it all starts within then you exude it on the outside. Once I acknowledged my flaws and accepted them I no longer cared about them or how other people felt. It's how I look, how I was created and how I will remain! It takes so much energy to worry and be sad- fight those feelings each time and focus about the things you love about yourself.  Makeup, hair and clothing comes next; upgrade your appearance if that's what you need to do to feel more popping. Make the necessary healthy changes. Workout, eat better, give yourself a makeover. A lot of moms need that boost of confidence and to get their grooves back after baby.  Start within and accept your flaws. After you accept them, release them and let them go. Tough skin comes from self awareness and not giving a fuck. Fuck anyone who has something negative to say about you- you also have more good about you. Those people and how they feel don't matter, what only matters is how you feel about yourself.  Make sure you're your biggest cheerleader.  

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey  Parker 18, Lonliness

   I don't know the deal with your bff but she's either super territorial, insecure or jealous of you. It's very weird how she reacted so negatively with the sight of you spending time with and getting to know another girl. Whatever her reasons are, she seems very dark cloudish. Instead of addressing the situation truthfully, she lashed out at you to get your attention instead of being honest with herself and recognizing the real reasons why she became so angry with you. Let me tell you, friendships/relationships with people like that don't really last long and since the end of the school year and graduation are rapidly approaching, I believe this falling out to be in good timing. Same with you outgrowing your ex boyfriend. When you graduate and go to college and start your new young adult life, you will not know or associate with 95% of the people you've been around so honestly, this is like spring cleaning. Go into your new found young adulthood fresh and optimistic. Everything happens for a reason. You feel lonely now because you've lost two people who were important and that you were use to, but as long as you remain open minded, open to new people and experiences and a pleasant person, you'll meet new people. Just like the new girl you became acquainted with, there will be more of those genuine encounters. Your ex bff and bf aren't all you had, you are all you have and all you need.  The quicker you realize that, the happier and more fulfilled you'll be. Have fun alone, be okay alone, get to know yourself. You'll never feel lonely once you are your own friend. You have to know how to support yourself, console yourself, rely only on yourself, make decisions by yourself; once you're able to do that, everyone you meet in your life will be merely a bonus and you won't think twice about dropping people that aren't bringing you peace or fulfillment. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey  Anonymous 18, Sip some wine!

  He's displaying abusive behavior and the whole last part of your submission is reason why and what should give you the strength to walk and stay away from him. He seems very manipulative by throwing what you  did a year previously back in your face and using it to justify his behavior saying "well you hurt me first". If someone's going to be with you after a situation by that agreeing to move on from it, it's not healthy for a relationship to keep bringing it back  up. And on top of that it's no excuse for the choices he's made afterwards.  Why on earth would he want you two to have babies just "to keep in contact" after you leave? Issa trap. He wants to stake claim on you- he doesn't want to be married or to be together, with the behavior he's displaying, yet he wants you to have his kids (despite your age and you moving away) so you two can stay close meanwhile he's messing with other girls, that's controlling...... RUN SIS. You have your whole life ahead of you make smart choices and stick with your guns, stay strong and steer clear of toxic people and pay attention when those people are waiving red flags in your face. I know you  feel a strong bond with him being your first love and losing your virginity together, but you'll have bonds and deeper connections with more people, in life- he's not the only man out here and you'll find someone better, I promise. You never deserve being treated less than a person and don't feel guilty for what you did- it was very small and everyone makes mistakes. You've learned from what happened and were actually making efforts to be a healthy partner in your relationship, unlike him.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Izzy, Life/feeling trapped

   Shoutout to you for staying out of trouble, that's amazing. Talk to your mom and stress how much trouble you will get into if you stay at your same school and beg her to let you transfer. Explain to her how more productive and more focused you will be at a new school away from the drama of your current school. If changing schools will effect you positively and will help you succeed then it's what's gotta happen for the sake of your future. Express to her how high school is super important in building the foundation for your future and it's success chances. Now, if she still says no (for whatever reason) then you're going to have to fade your current school. If you have to stay then you're just going to have to stay out of the way and try your hardest to stay on your straight path. I know somethings are out of your control, but you have a lot more power than you may feel or think. How you react to certain things also matters. Ignore and don't engage in any way. Try your hardest to stay out the way and if trouble still finds you then maybe your mom will see that it's not you but your surroundings at school, and transfer you.  Stay focused on your goal and go to school to do what you're suppose to do, learn, then go home. Look at the bright-side which is your future and focus on the important thing which is getting the best grades possible so you can have those amazing opportunities. 

I hope this advice helps you and good luck. -K

Hey Kiyah, Boys

     Go with what feels comfortable when it comes to the speed of a relationship. You  said with the first guys it feels like he's playing you and he wants to take things a little fast- this doesn't seem like the fit for you because you feel the need to question it. Go with your gut and you intuition- if you feel he's playing you and wants thins to move fast, it sounds like what you feel is right. I personally would dead it. If anytime I feel uncomfortable with a guy or like he's playing games, I dead it. I don't have time to deal with games, I never have. It's unattractive and unappealing for me. I don't know why you're questioning about the guy that's treating you right but since you are, maybe he's not the one either- I would think that would be the number one pick without a question. Always go with the guy that's treating you right. Like, that's no question. You always want and deserve the guy that treats you right. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Marie, 19, Life

    Try your best and as long as you get the lowest passing grade and pass, it's still an accomplishment considering how hard it seems for you. With a tutor you're still struggling, try talking to the professor and see if he/she can help; maybe give you alternative assignments or try to give you a rubric that you can follow to at least get the lowest passing grade. I don't know if these classes are mandatory prerequisites or not, but possibly talk to your adviser and see if there are courses you can take to substitute or if you can drop with an incomplete so you don't have a failing grade on your transcript. Also try talking to a couple of other students in your classes to see if they are having similar problems or can help you with yours. I'm so sorry you are having trouble with these classes and hope you can find a working solution to remedy them. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Creole Chanda, Advice

    Your issues seem separate and scattered a bit. You initially started with your wittiness and sharp attitude and controlling how you react to certain things your boyfriend says, but then you go into him giving your chances to leave the relationship and you not wanting to quit... So 1: if you feel your responses to the things he says amplify the situation and some things you can hold your tongue back on, hold it back. Not all times do you need to respond to something he says and if it's uncalled for or too hurtful or just doesn't make it better, keep it to yourself. Let what you say matter and taking jabs at each other won't help; that piece of advice goes for you both. If it's something where you need to express your side of an argument (as long as it's constructive) that's fine, but just responding, I would pick my battles wisely and try not to amplify the situation. Your boyfriend has to keep that same energy and not instigate or pick at you too. Now 2:  I don't know why he's offered you a chance to leave "several times" but either way you both need to figure out if you too want to be together because neither of your should be open to leaving. Either he wants you to or he feels you want to  and he wants you to be honest OR he is trying to make you deliver the blow and end it for him. Either way you gotta figure out what you both equally want; to be together or not. Then 3: It's not too early to say it won't work after 7 months, it just depends on what problems you two are having. If it's something you can fix, perfect, but if it's huge things you can't fix or can't seem to deal with with each other then you may not be good match so think deeper and analyze your REAL issues. Whether or not it's a waste of your or his time, is a matter or your real issues. Sit with him or alone first and figure out what you can handle with him, what your issues are, if they can be fixed, and what could you do to fix them. Whether or not you two can comeback or overcome these issues will tell you if you need to move on and not waste anymore time, or you if the time you have spent has been invested in something substantial.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Tyaja, Relationship

   First off, if someone is in and out of your life, put them out of it permanently. If someone wants to genuinely be in your life there will be no in and out unless it's some drastic reason like distance. That's one thing I will never tolerate personally. To move on you have to will yourself to do it. You move on my moving on and staying on and not giving in. If a situation is done or you want to be done with it, be done. Force yourself to not talk or entertain them. Block and ignore so you can actually move on.  When I wanted to move on and stay on from a person I literally yell at myself likr "don't f* call him" or like when you see people doing positive affirmations like "I'm beautiful, I'm strong, I'm independent" you can do the same and will yourself to stick to your guns by reminding yourself and saying to yourself "They're no good for me, this is an unhealthy situation I need to remain separate from, I know it's easy to go back or to let them back but it, easier in the long run to be done with them." Being a teenager or a yound adule don't put yourself through all of this bs for a temporary relationship that won't last years. I'm not intending to be negative saying it won't last, I'm saying it from experience and that's just how most things happen if you can't evolve and grow with a person because when you grow you change a lot and some things you think you may want or like, you maybe won't after some time and you grow apart or away from people. It's happened to me a lot. So move on and be at peace. If a relationship is healthy, harmonic and everyone wants to be together and make it work, then yes put in the work, but if it isn't bringing you peace, dead it.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Cool Gal 17, Letting go of relationships

  Letting go is very hard when you are used to people and have bonds with them, but I feel it has all to do with willpower and distancing yourself. When you know someone is bad for you or they've wronged you and you need to be out of each others lives, you have to will yourself away from them. I know it can be very tempting to stop them and yourself from giving in and getting back in a groove that's so familiar, but when you are present mentally and aware of the toxicity of the whole thing you NEED and HAVE to keep yourself separate. They're only able to come back if you let them. If you tell him you're done, be done and don't allow him to suck you back in. That's something you can control. Whether or not he finds someone else and gives her the world doesn't matter to you because he isn't giving it to you. If he wants  to be a better man for someone else, cool. Accept it. He isn't being that better man for you so you need to end it (since that's what you want to do ultimately). Deal with the facts and don't let your mind wonder about his potential and what he "could" do because if he ain't giving the world to you, then that's all you need to know. It's not for you and you want and deserve better right now, not in the potential future. People are good at manipulating others back into their lives to keep feeding off of them using them, but don't let them. You know they do you no good so remain unattached for your sake. Block whomever you need to to keep it out of sight out of mind. Block on your phone and on social media.  Whatever you have to do. And know in your heart and mind that you made the best decision for yourself and remind yourself of this every time you feel tempted to reach out. Getting sucked in will have you reliving these same feelings of unhappiness so will yourself to sick to this because you know it's best. Allow yourself to enjoy your life

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey BritBrat19, Date Night

Message: Fun, exciting date night ideas?

   Dave and Busters, roller skating, bowling, a themed pop up bar, karaoke,  pottery class, paint and sip, escape room! Find something that neither of you has done before or something that both of you will equally enjoy based off of something you mutually like.  Some people's fun and exciting is different from another's so with some ideas you have to tailor to yourself and the person you are taking out. Sometimes people think books and learning is fun so a cool idea for a date night would maybe be like a book signing- it all depends of their interests. The ones I stated before are fool proof for me personally so try one or all and see how it goes. If it's a first date or someone you've been with for a while, I would say stay away from the movies because that can get old quick and it's not that exciting unless the movie is highly anticipated. Also, try one of those food prep companies that send ingredient to your home and have a cooking night- that's a nice change from going out to eat. Tailor your ideas to your two personally and try new things just for the experience.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Bad Vibes 24, Relationships

   Nothing is wrong with you, that's first off. You can take it as a sign of this not being the right time for you to be in a relationship- if you keep encountering the wrong men. I feel like people who're taken advantage of or are swindled in any way, may be too good of people or are maybe too lenient or trusting. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY OF THOSE QUALITIES. I'm only saying that because I think it's healthy to set boundaries for the people you deal with and set standards. Be nice but to the right people. Be more open and honest about not taking any bullshit, or where you stand on things. I have a close friend where her issue was people never went out of their way for her, it's always her being there for them or being the one to go out of her way for someone else and my opinion on her situation was that she should become more clear in where she set her boundaries with people so they'll know she isn't going to always bend. Make them aware of the fact that basically, she's not going to be as accessible or as down with sh*t as she use to be. Sometimes it's not a good thing to become so flexible where people are expecting you to be everywhere and bend to what they want. Personal boundaries are necessary. Having a cut off favors you'll do for someone, I feel, will weed the users out and send them on their way. When you become a little bit more for yourself and saying no to things you don't want to do (instead of compromising or bending) people can't use you as much and therefore you'll see their true colors more easily or it'll make them bend for you for a change. See how much someone is willing to do for you. Take more, and give less. Maybe you're attracting these guys because you are too nice and good people tend to attract bad people because those bad people want their goodness. Not saying being a good person is a bad thing, it's amazing, just don't be so giving always. Only reciprocate at the beginning of relationships or dating. Make sure every interaction is equal and everyone's keeping that same energy. Focus on yourself, keep your eyes open for signs of shitty people and when you encounter some bullshit, don't compromise your feelings. The right guy will reciprocate all of the goodness you give him and you two will fill each other rather than you emptying yourself. Some dudes are just trash and we can't help but encounter them when their numbers are so high. Just know when you've got one and send him on his way when you spot it. Don't be discouraged, love. Be patient and be a little bit more guarded. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Lo Michelle 18, Relationship

      Think about whether or not you two mutually want to be together. At the end of this break you need to really discuss this in deep and detail so  make sure you really know in your gut that you both want to stay together. Whether or not you both attend the same college is a huge part too because in college so  many things happen and you grow into a different person. Along with the growing into a different person and the work, there's so many more people you'll come in contact with and there will be temptation, there will be lonely nights, there will be a lot of distance between you too and there will come great frustration. I'm all for love, but if you aren't attending the same college, I honestly feel like you two should part as friends right now for the sake of the foundation you've built this past four years. There's going to be so much shit going on in both of your lives and it's going to be really rough trying to be in a relationship going to separate colleges. You will be saving yourselves the heartache, the future arguments, the future frustrations, the future accusations, etc. Avoid everything falling apart and give each other the space to explore and grow up. Who's to say you won't get back together after graduation or later in life? I say split now and be friends to avoid the risk of being torn apart by cheating or distance. And you're young, you both need the space to grow because with growing comes change and feelings change quick and easy during the process. It's amazing that you two have been together this long, but this may be the end. You two could make it with the long distance and being separate schools, but it's going to take so much work, work that will be hard to manage dealing with the stressors that come with college and needing to focus on classes, so that's a small possibility, in my honest opinion. So, try to go to the same school, or if it isn't doable, part here peacefully and save the possibility for future reunion and reconciliation. This situation can be handled very maturely if you think full picture and separate all emotions. You two can be great friends and end this well if it comes to that.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Good luck and congratulations on this new chapter in your life.

Oh Darling 24, But...

   I believe that statement to be true. Having such deep feelings of love for someone that you feel the need to pray them away once the relationship ends. To have a love and/or hurt so deep and intense that you need the help of a larger and stronger force to get through it. I've been there too. That's when you know you're feelings are real and great. I do also believe that you can have more that one "love of my life". There's so many people in the world and so many different personalities that I definitely believe it's possible to connect with and fall in love with multiple people in a lifetime. If your boyfriend seriously doesn't want you or to be with you anymore, take that as the truth and move on. "Never let a man tell you he doesn't want you, twice" is something I live by and learned early. I know how hurtful it feels to be rejected and I'm not going to allow any man to reject me over and over and I'm not begging anyone to stay in my life. I'm sorry that you have to move on after 5 years, but if that's what you have to do, you can and will. Five years is a while, but thank God it isn't 10, or more. Don't dwell on the details and overthink why it happened, just accept the situation and keep moving forward. You'll be fine, love. It'll take some time but have patience and keep praying. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Slim24 Goddess, Friendships

   You go to work to work. Yes, becoming friends with coworkers is fine if it happens authentically and you all get along, because you should to a certain extent when you see each other everyday and work closely (depending on the assignment or title), but dealing with drama at work is unproductive and unnecessary. If I were you, I would just dead any "friendship" I have with those coworkers and keep it strictly about work and being cordial. You don't have to beef and you definitely shouldn't because it's unprofessional, just don't make any interaction with them personal. Keep it at 'hey, help and see you tomorrow'. Don't do anymore outside of work favors for them. It's okay to be cool with certain coworkers, but it's just like in everyday life: do for the right people. Some coworkers can turn to friends, but coworkers aren't friends. You're all there to get money and get along for the sake of getting the job done. As far as the $10 she owes you on the 30, I would honestly just take the L, the loss and the lesson. She knows she owes you so if she's mature enough to handle her business, she will. If not, then you just know what kind of person she is and you know better for the future.  Haggling her about it seems like it's gonna cause so much drama just based on how she responded the first time. Let her see $10 is nothing to you and you aren't petty. She'll just learn that next time she needs a favor and wants to turn to you, she can't. It's her loss really. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Diamond, Relationship/self discovery

   If you aren't receiving the love and attention you need from him and he isn't even open to discussing the issues, then it's nothing else for you to do, but break up really. I always say, try to talk it out and see if there is some salvaging of the relationship that can take place, but if he isn't willing to listen to what is bothering you then there's nothing much you can do. Would I would do, is point blank tell him 'I feel there's an end is coming really soon for this relationship and there's no other option because you aren't willing to even listen to my issues, so a resolution can't be had'. Sometimes you have to be frank and candid about the situation like "we are honestly almost done if you aren't able to listen and help fix the issues we have in this relationship." Once you hit him with something straight forward, no sugar coating it, see if then is willing to fix it then because sometimes if you aren't clear about how close you are to your breaking point, they don't know the severity of the issues you have- give him a real reality check. If afterwards he's still being an ass, start looking for a roommate for him and to take over your part of the rent, get in touch with the landlord and see if there's a lease termination fee you can pay, or just break up and try to cohabitate in this apartment for the next year until you can make better living arrangements. 

Who has the energy to put up with sub-par treatment by someone who's unreasonable that seems unemotional and careless? Not I, and you shouldn't either. The 20's are your prime ages for growth and adventure and happiness, so don't waste your time in a situation that isn't progressing or is fulfilling.

Make sure you are 100 percent sure if you want to end things or make it work, let him know what the deal is and act accordingly to what you want and to his responses. Once you figure out what that move is, your next move is to start figuring out your new living arrangements, if it gets to that.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Ps. You are strong, girl. As a woman you are strong to get through anything and powerful enough to take charge of your life and implement any changes you need to create a better, happier life for yourself. 

Hey Lex, 22, Career Advice

   I'm sorry to hear about your rejection letter, but do not be deterred. If starting and having a clothing line is your real passion and you have a talent for it, definitely stick to that. This rejection/hurdle is just a redirection. It's either not for you or not the right time. Trust the events of your life and keep moving forward. Ideally I would think your college major has something to do with your career choice/passion so if it isn't this internship, apply for another and another and another, or apply for a job getting you into some door to start growing or some place you can learn from. You don't have to have your life set up step by step, but always have a plan for forward progression. Take time to plan and research. The advice I would have to give you for starting your line would be research research research. Read and watch interviews on designers and get your knowledge up on the fundamentals in the game of the fashion industry and starting a business.  If this is your real passion you will figure it out by any means necessary. Go to workshops/networking events to find connections in the industry and maybe partner with someone to learn from/mentor you or collaborate with. With visuals and building you brand, find your niche and your ideal vision and tailor everything you need and want to fit you and your brand because you may can handle a lot of things on your own for free before you start shelling out money and outsourcing. Figuring out your niche and vision will help you stay in your own lane and maintain your authenticity. Figure out what you can do yourself and what help you need from others. Research manufacturers, seamstresses, fabrics, other brands on social media, and just everything you need and want to learn, and start creating your foundation, then go for it. 

Also, if you have to pay, always pay for quality. Pay for quality when it comes to designs, visuals, materials, etc. Always pay for quality products and services because with that payment you can demand proper execution and a certain standard of professionalism and quality. Remember, you get what you pay for. Never expect someone to just hand you things for free and don't always just accept a handout. Work has to always be put in.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jacoby, 19, Am I moving too fast?

     I say slow down a bit. Although you may not need to really go through a healing process, you may need to go through an adjustment process so you aren't filling a void with this new person, since you are talking to that person everyday.  I feel like you need to adjust to being single and you need to do that on your own. He may be filling that void of comfort, compatibility, attention, appreciation etc that you need to deal with, with being newly single; those things you need to be okay without having. Also, I feel like slow down because of your friend and his liking you. You aren't ready to be in a relationship, but if you move too fast you may give him false hope and you two may wander into this feeling of "togetherness" or a 'situationship' because you're spending too much time together/talking. When that happens feelings get involved and everything becomes messy when your friend gets too use to 'having' you and your attention and then you have to remind them that you didn't want a relationship in the first place, but with moving too fast you kind of got in one anyway, or at least in his eyes and heart.  I don't want you to lead him on. Yes, he respects that you don't want a relationship, but that doesn't mean he will be able to shake that hope, especially if you're getting too close. You don't have to cut ties, but just cut back. No caking on the phone all night and day, just keep it casual, a healthy distance as friends have, so a couple days out of the week you chat and keep up, but nothing too constant or continuous.

   When my boyfriend and I broke up, I went through this same situation so I understand exactly. I didn't need a long healing process either, but because I was so used to having a certain attention or someone there, it was easy for me to attach to someone that I liked, despite not wanting a relationship. It's like I didn't want one, but I still wanted those relationship perks. I needed to adjust to not having those perks like attention and companionship from someone else so I wasn't using someone because I liked it, or either becoming too attached. I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself and feeling happier since your breakup, s/o to you! 

I  hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Michaela R, 19, Knowing my worth

   I would rather be lonely and alone than feel like shit because of someone. Feeling like shit trumps loneliness every time, for me. Before I had a boyfriend and I've only had one, I still knew what type of man I wanted and didn't want. I knew I didn't want to be treated disrespectfully and hurt. Knowing that comes with self worth. You need to work on that, but I'm sure you know this. It baffles me how long you put up with this guy allowing yourself to be used and disrespected. I know it had to feel terrible. You have to work on yourself- stop pitting yourself and breaking yourself down with these insecurities. No matter how you look, just being a woman and human being you should want more for yourself and demand top notch treatment. Being you, you should want the best for yourself. You are more than your weight. You are someone who deserves to be treated properly.  If you want better, you have to choose better and be better.

   If you don't like your weight, lose weight. Diet and exercise and change your lifestyle to one where you are happier. You have to be enough for yourself and know you're worth more, before anyone else. You're worth doesn't depend on whether a man likes you or not- like yourself! Put men the furthest from your mind because when you feel like way about yourself you should only be worrying about yourself and fix how you view yourself. 

   There is someone in the world for everyone so don't stress about "finding" a man. There are a lot better things to do and experience in the world than a man. Be patient and fix all of your personal issues: your insecurities, your self image and confidence, first and then you will better weed out what and who is good for you. I believe, you will also attract better when you are better.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Miya J, Not sure

    Not living together is just something you're going to have to adjust to. You don't seem that unsure, you just miss being under him all the time. You have separate places now, find the bright side and enjoy your own company- he is. It's normal. Distance makes the heart grow fonder- when you see him, it'll be better because there's anticipation and newness. You're going to go through the motions missing him, but eventually you'll get use to it. Besides, y'all still together so call him over for a lil booty call from time to time, lol. Sleepovers and stuff when you're free- It'll be fun. Don't start worrying about nothing and causing yourself stress. Decorate your place, make it yours and cute and enjoy yourself.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Ashley Elizabeth, Am I being replaced by my own twin?

Message: So me and my twin sister haven't been the same lately. It seems as ever since she got a boyfriend I'm no longer here or I'm no longer a priority. It hurts me to know that the person that I am supposed to be the closet to is the one that I am further away from. It's to the point that she will get mad a me for something and be mad for weeks, but when it's her boyfriend they have a 3-minute rule where they can be mad with each other. When she is mad at me she will feed him and not me, but when roles are reversed I would never let her go without. I don't feel loved by her anymore. I actually feel kind of hurt and vengeful and resentful toward her boyfriend when all my anger is really towards her. I feel like I have lost my ability to trust in others because if my own family member can treat me this way.. why won't the next person?

   I think you may be feel this intense feeling of a lack of love, distrust, resent and anger because you guys are twins. You two have been together since birth and you've always I'm sure been close. As you two grow up you're going to grow apart to a certain extent because you have to live two separate lives. You are not going to be her number one priority and it's normal that her attention and priorities are going to shift, especially toward her boyfriend now that she has one. 

  I'm sure she still loves you, you just aren't her whole life anymore. You can't be forever. Since she is your sister, just as she has the 3-minute rule with her boyfriend where they make it a point to not be mad at each other after that long, establish the same type of thing with her. It doesn't have to be 3 minutes because the dynamic is different, but maybe make it a day where you give each other a day to think about whatever fight you had, after that day has passed agree to always discuss the issue afterwards and come to a resolution where you can move on from whatever problem happily.

   It's normal to feel resentment and anger towards her boyfriend simply because you're just jealous and feel like he's coming between you two but that's I feel normal as long as you don't let it grow and become something dangerous and relationship damaging. If that's her man then you have to respect it and accept it. Accept this whole situation, talk to her about it and get your reassurance from her that she still loves you if that's what you need and move forward. These issues seem, in my eyes, small. You just have to adjust to life and coexist. Don't hang on to jealousy and pettiness. She'll always be your sister. Don't push her away because of these feelings. 

   Every situation is different and she doesn't seem to be betraying you. I wouldn't allow this to make you distrust everyone in the world or you'll be unhappy,  paranoid and isolated. Everyone is either trustworthy or not, don't generalize every one and every situation and allow yourself to be pernanenetly tainted by one person's actions. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jayda, Insecure

   You have to be able to see the beauty in yourself to feel beautiful and confident. You need to accept yourself for who you are and find things you love about yourself. You can't hate absolutely everything about yourself. And if you do, you need to stop. If you hate everything about yourself you need to stop and think about why that is. You may have to change your perception of beauty. Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way and that's amazing. Individuality is amazing. Own who you are. Isn't it an amazing feeling knowing you're the only you in the world. I love that about me! It's like having the most exclusive pair of shoes, or diamond necklace in the world that's one of a kind  and no one else has. You hate too much about yourself that changing how you look isn't going to help in my opinion. Look within yourself and find positive things. Make that future self you daydream about, your present self. How can you honestly turn into her being who you are right now hating yourself? You can't. It's not going to magically happen. You have to create and become her. It hurts you how much you look down on yourself so stop. Make yourself stop and decide today that you need to stop picking yourself apart and accept yourself for who you are and find things you find beautiful about yourself. It's a conscious decision you have to make. I use to beat myself up about my skin's texture because I'm acne prone and one day I was like "fuck it, it is what it is" and from that day on I didn't care. "My skin is acne prone skin, it's most likely not going to change and there's nothing I can do about it so it ain't no point in being sad all day everyday about it so fuck that shit" And overtime I've found regimens that have helped greatly and I can beat my face and I love it. But I could never have reached this point of acceptance and happiness if I didn't purge those old feelings because if I didn't, even the products or makeup wouldn't make me satisfied because I would still be picking myself apart simply because I wouldn't be able to see myself and be satisfied. You have to fix your eyes and how you view yourself before you can see your beauty and all of the positive things and new changes you make about yourself. You can't see it, if you're blind. 

I hope this advice helps you to some degree, love. -K

Hey Deja B, Relationship

Message: So me and this guy have been talking for about two months now. I’m not rushing into a relationship or anything but i do like this guy. I just wanted to know how long should this talking stage last before you move on because you guys aren't moving forward in anyway? Because we were friends in school so it’s not like we have only known each other for two months or were just getting to know each other. But is there a way you can tell if that person wants a relationship with you or if they just like having you around?

   Some people are more obvious about what they want from you with either actions or language. Some people make little hints about them being your girl/guy or they start making more gestures like spending more time with you, texting and calling more often, maybe gifting, overly flirty and suggestive language etc. That versus the girl/guy who's just very casual with everything, not really making a point to see or talk to you, just like if they do they do, if they don't they don't- I feel like those are the people who just like having you around.

   I believe the talking stage/dating stage shouldn't go further than like 6 months without knowing where things are going, are actively working towards something serious or you two parting ways. At that point, something needs to be established.  Two months into dating someone even, if you've been friends previously isn't that long, in my opinion because just because someone is good a good friend, doesn't mean they are a good mate so it takes time to figure out if a relationship will actually work between you two. Ex: their morals, beliefs, pet peeves, values etc. The dating phase can actually be really fun, it should be! You like him, enjoy it! Get to know each other deeper, go to a couple events and on a couple adventures.

Have a little patience and give it a couple more months. Lets say like 2 more months so that'll be 4 total if you don't want to wait the whole 6 since you know him previously. At the 4th month then have that conversation about what direction you two are going in. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey  Kayla M, Relationship

     Hmmm,  after 4 years  I think there is a possibility that you've both have matured and may not be compatible anymore. I definitely think you two should try. Before trying, take some time away from each other, lets say two weeks. Within those two weeks, think long and hard and figure out if it's just because you too have maybe smothered yourself a bit which is causing some annoyance resulting in these arguments (a temporary issue) or maybe it's because you two have just grown apart from one another after growing over the years. Honestly, I feel like you two just need some time apart to settle into yourself, think and analyze who you are. Sometimes you're always busy doing something even the smallest things, that your mind isn't on rest and what I think happens is you've changed but just can't see that. Take this time to look at yourself and see if you've changed. See if you like the same things about your boyfriend and your relationship. See if you find fun in the same things and see if you're satisfied with the same treatments. Are you two just annoyed with each others presence now or is it just when stress builds, you lash out at each other? Maybe you're bored with one another and need to just spice it up with a trip, or some new dates or sex even. Maybe you two are just stuck in a rut of routine and need some spontaneity in your relationship again. 

Are you still attracted to him (visually, sexually, mentally)? Are you interested in him still? I think that plays a huge part in chemistry.  If not, then the chemistry may really just be a gone forever. If you are still attracted in these ways and have an interest in him then there is hope for you guys and you may just need to spice up your relationship and refresh it a bit.  When there's still attraction and interest, I definitely do believe can find that chemistry again.

   Take these two weeks to do that. Also, when you have the conversation with him to take this time apart to think and analyze yourselves, why you're arguing so much and the root issues of your problems, encourage him to do all of these same things himself. You learning about yourself isn't enough, he needs to as well. You both have to be whole and on the same page for a relationship to work so make sure he is also answering all of the same questions as you are and figuring himself out during this break. Once you find some clarity, you'll definitely know how to move afterwards.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Des, 18, Life Plans (Career)

   Ain't no left behind when you graduate grade school. Once you get out, you're on your own timing and in your own lane. I personally feel and therefore tell most people not to rush into school if they don't know what they want to do or major in. I personally feel like it can really be a waste of money and time and energy to be working towards a degree you may not want, because you'll probably not use it or hate whatever field you're in. Take a semester off and figure out yourself. It's easy to give into the pressures of senior year and college apps, but step back focus on finishing the year and just relax. It's normal to not know what you want to do. I'm 23 and I just figured out what I want to do about a year ago and am still figuring out the details til this day. Once you have peace of mind after all of this senior stuff is over you'll be able to step back and analyze yourself and your likes and what you would want or could spend your life doing. Also, when i need clarity I make lists. Make a web of your likes, interests and hobbies, then the careers that you can make or get into doing those things, then take that map and look up those careers and find their descriptions. That helped me a lot. Sometimes you don't know as much as you think you know and with more info you can maybe make a better choice or get a little closer. When tapping into your interests, look deep and don't brush over the small things. Best in this day and age you can really turn the smallest interest into an empire.

   If you want to go to college undecided, that's fine too because you will have a degree, just take a look at all of the majors and talk to your advisers and choose a major that you can use no matter what and one who's field will always be at a high demand, so even if you don't really like it or have to settle for it while you find or work on your passion, you'll at least be making a good living and money always helps, tbh.

Just pick your brain and give yourself time. Eighteen is still very young, don't rush yourself. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Anonymous Bills 20, Clueless/Lost/Need Super Advice

   If you can't trust her then you shouldn't be with her period. But if you have it in you to make it work and you both do, then you should try. There are people who lie, then there are people who're liars. That's the way I see it. The people who are liars, lie all of the time for no reason- habitual liars. If you say she's always lying, and you've proven it and have actually caught her in lies, then she could be a habitual liar. Either that or she just finds it hard to own up to her actions. Either way, she has to stop lying and be accountable for her actions and you two need to have complete honesty in this relationship from this point on. If you want to work, sit down and from this argument on vow to have all honesty. Lay all of the cards out about her ex, discussing your relationship and her sex life- the general important things that'll benefit you both like her likes/dislikes and health, not body count or who (if it ain't someone you guys are around are in close quarters with) etc because those things aren't really important in your relationship and making it work. Have this conversation discussing these things and you both express your issues and come to a conclusion that you can respect one another and their wishes and move forward peacefully. Also, to really move on, you have to forgive her and go through it. Neither of you can allow these things to linger on if you have this talk and want to move on and you can't dwell on these issues after you decide to put these things out and then in the past. Find your reassurance and also give her some. If you two really want to be together you will make it work. You will do whatever you have to (that's healthy) and make it work. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Nae, 17, Birth Control

    Tell your mother all of the negative ways this birth control is effecting you and urge her to make your doctors appointment. If you hate it then you really shouldn't be on it. Depression is serious and if you fell into it deeply off this form of birth control then you need an alternative. Especially since there are so many other options. It's been two years and it's still terrible- there's no getting "use" to it at this point. That time is up if you've been this miserable for this long. Urge your mom to make the appointment to switch methods. The thing in your arm isn't the only kind of bc they have available. Look up other options yourself and have the info for her. You don't want to be off of it completely, you just want a different kind of bc that will work better for you. I'm on the pill. It's good for me and works well. It reduces my period, slows it down because I too have a flow issue, it also helps with acne and cramps. The only things is you have to remember to take it everyday, but if you just set a alarm on your phone for it either before bed or when you first wake up, it's easy. When you turn 18, you're legal and can make your own appointment and choose your own doctor. If no one wants to help you, research ways to go around your mom to your doctor or if you have to, deal with it until 18 and then call your own shots. I hope you don't have to wait and your mom just reasons with you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this- as a woman I know how you feel. You shouldn't be miserable just because she doesn't want you to get pregnant- you don't want to get pregnant either so reassure her that you are responsible and also want a certain life yourself you just want another option.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Janiya, Relationship/Life

  Don't distance yourself in hopes that he will get the hint and break up with you or just go ghost. You have to grow some lady balls and just end it for the sake of you both. It's a temporary pain and hardship breaking it off, but imagine how happy you will be once you do. It'll be good for him so he can also be free to be with someone he meshes well with and not being strung along. It's not totally crazy that you feel like this. It's definitely warranted. Just be honest and tell him how you feel and why. Explain to him how you had this change of heart and apologize to him about any inconvenience that you may have caused him or for any feelings of his that you probably hurt. It's your right to edit the people in your life and keeping in the people that are benefitting you. Now, I don't mean that you should use people, and make friendships and relationships based on what people do for you, but you have the right to take out the people who do you harm mentally, emotionally, physically etc. And it's harmful emotionally dealing with someone who drains your mood or effects you negatively. If you want to be friends with him forreal, being honest with him now will be the perfect way to establish that steady foundation as friends. You can miss someone and want them in your life, but just in a different role. It's not crazy at all. I'm actually in a similar situation with my ex. You can miss someone and love them but that doesn't mean you have to be with them or that you should. You told him you missed him because you did that's honest- you like him as a person and as a friend but maybe you guys just don't mesh well how people who are in relationships should mesh. Totally normal. Just be honest with him and have that conversation.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Blonk Brown, Help!!!

   Never settle for a guy because you're afraid to be alone. There are way too many people in the world for you to be alone; billions of people, you'll never be alone because of that reason and also, because you should be whole enough to be company for yourself even if you don't have someone. Don't settle for unhappiness for anything in life and especially out of fear or desperation. This isn't a whole healthy relationship and there's something up with your boyfriend. Sex can't solve everything and if he really thinks that then he needs counseling or therapy. Relationships need compassion, communication, honestly, etc. This honestly doesn't seem like a real relationship not one bit. You've been with him for 4 years and you've never met his son, been over his house for holidays, you say he doesn't know how to connect with you and he only wants sex. Honestly, this sounds like a 4 year long side relationship. He most likely has another woman; his main woman- maybe even his child's mother. Him "not being able to connect with you" may honestly just be him not wanting to. Him thinking "sex can solve everything" most likely is him only wanting sex from you. He gives you excuses when you ask to meet his family and it's been 4 years, leave and cut him off immediately. You ain't gonna be alone. You'll definitely be fine. Don't waste anymore time on this "relationship". Go be happy and flourish. Once you meet the right guy, you'll see how wild this situation is in comparison because you'll actually be in a real relationship with someone who is proud to be with you and wants you to meet his family as much as you want to.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jade 19, Decisions

    Don't say anything, but make note of it and observe. If you say something he's most likely going to pull the "we are not in a relationship" card and that's annoying af. You've only been dating a month so yet chill for now because a month isn't that long. If you're still dating him in January and you've seen him several times and are connecting, by then you should have that conversation about dating other people and the intentions of you both and then if you see that kind of post anytime after that convo, you can and should bring it up if it's still bothering you. With situations like this you have to stay cool about it. You can't tell him to stop just yet (unless you too have established a serous understanding or status) because you have no right to because you're most likely still casual in the get-to-know phase. He's probably just attention seeking right now and probably are still actively dating or looking to date other people as you both can. As you go along dating him and becoming closer, peep how often or if he still does it. If by the time you two have established something at least a little serious, he'll either stop on his own because he sees and knows you guys are feeling each other, are serious and has no interest in getting the attentions or by then you can ask what's up with those posts. By January or February when this unfolds and you have the conversation trying to establish something a little more serious, are more comfortable knowing and dating one another and have grown closer, bring it up casually in conversation like "what's up with that?" or even, as I probably would do, respond to the post in dm form with either the thinking emoji or saying something casual like "oh yea?" or something slick like "your thirsty ass lol". Don't make a big deal about it because it's not that deep, yet, but definitely acknowledge those post casually letting him know you saw it and being shady with a little attitude showing him that it bothers you and you don't like it. How he responds should also tell you a lot so pay attention.

Oh and don't bring up the liking pictures part because that's what the "like button is for" and it 's social media. Comments and posts are different though. I've actually made a post about this topic, check it out here if you'd like.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Ashley Brown, Everything

   I'm so sorry that you've going through so much stress. I feel like a little detaching is necessary. You have to allow yourself the time to heal from your break-up and given that you are still feeling the hurtful aftermath of the breakup, a friendship isn't going to be realistic or doable right now. Take at least two months time away from him (or more if you need it) to focus on yourself being happy and independent, mentally and emotionally, and also focus on school. Begin doing things that feed your soul: music, movies, your favorite snack, a good book (Grace Jones' memoir is my favorite), your girl friends etc and just have a nice time. Whatever it is that makes you happy and bring you joy, do it (as long as it's constructive lol). As long as you and your ex ended on okay terms where there are no grudges or spitefulness and honesty of the terms of the friendship, a friendship can be had. The foundation of a relationship is friendship so it's definitely doable once everyone has healed and there are no bad feelings and those feelings of wanting more than a friendship are gone. Give yourself time first and if you feel you two can have a healthy friendship have one but if you can't, do yourself a favor and just move on. I know sometimes that we try to make a friendship with an ex just to hold on to them somehow because we are attached and still have love for them, but if it's unhealthy we must be strong enough to cut ties. You need to heal on your own so you can he whole on your own. Once you find your strength and clarity, by accepting the ending of the relationship for what it was, acknowledge your part in it, heed the lessons from it, you will begin to heal and move forward. It takes time so have patience. Focus on yourself and school. Slow down and stop overthinking. Take your time and pace yourself. Everything will be okay, you just have to go through the motions which is normal. You'll be happy once you find your happiness within yourself by digging deep and figuring out the things that made you happy. If you and your mom has a close healthy trusting relationship, talk to her when you are ready. Definitely use the best people in your life as a support system and safe haven if you need to.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Darling DuhLibra, Lost Soul

  First things first, you have to deal with your boyfriend and you guys' relationship. Put the girl on the back burner, after yourself and then your man. You are your number one priority. Distance yourself from everything, at least for a while and find yourself again. If you are unhappy in your relationship and are confused, ask him for a break. I'm sure he knows all of the issues you are having with him and with the relationship so talk to him and explain that this is why you feel it's necessary that you to take a break. Use that break to evaluate everything. You've stated that you are unhappy in your relationship, you're miserable and have lost yourself. Well, those are enough reasons right there to end the relationship. Just because you love someone and have been with them doesn't mean you two can be together. There are issues deeper than that that you both have to deal with or agree to depart because of. If you aren't receiving the love and effort from him that you give, then you need to address it and demand that you two hash everything out or leave. You can't force him to change and you shouldn't stay if he refuses to. 

   I personally believe that fixing relationships are hard, but the formula to do so is easy. Sit down and acknowledge all of your issues. Both of you need to air everything out. Once you do that, take each issue and be honest about how it can be resolved. Then, work towards getting it done. Give each other some time and the patience it takes to learn new behaviors and unlearn old bad ones. The important part is that you two are actively working towards a more harmonious relationship. If he's willing and this is what you want to do, do it. If he isn't willing then leave him. Don't continue to drag yourself through this relationship hoping it will change or just settling for it because of love. That's not nearly enough, in my opinion. You say you don't want to suffocate the relationship and I know what you mean. But it's going to happen and the relationship is going to become so strained and unbearable and maybe even unresolvable if you two don't act quickly towards change. You are going to exhaust one another and eventually may resent each other because of all of the arguing and issues. Take a break now and think about everything. Encourage him to take this break, this alone time to think about everything: whether you two should be together, what the issues are, the possible solutions and outcomes, how he feels; his happiness, etc and after the end of that time, take two weeks at least, you both have answers to these questions, solutions, goals and the honest will to make the change. You both have to be committed to repairing the relationship. For example, your personally issue is communication. You know that, so change it. Don't settle in a way just because that's who you are, fix it. If you know you don't communicate, communicate. All communication is is outright honesty. Make yourself communicate. Life is really about making yourself do shit instead of settling and letting the world continue to move around you- you gotta move with it and make shit happen for yourself. Same with him, he has to make the change happen with whatever his issues are. 

   Now with that girl. Leave her alone. In my opinion she just seems like a vacation. It's nice and you're enjoying yourself during this break but it isn't the real world for real. It's not realistic for you at the moment. You have a completely other relationship to deal with while working on yourself simultaneously. You have a lot of fixing and figuring to do before you bring someone else into the equation. Especially someone that wants a whole relationship with you. Another relationship shouldn't even be on your radar so anyone that want one for sure, isn't even an option. Actually no one other than yourself or your boyfriend should be an option or on  your radar. You need healing and soul seeking. Worry about your own independent happiness right now. Aside from anyone else. Find what will make you happy then tackle the issues with your boyfriend. If he wants to seriously work towards fixing then go ahead and give it your all if that's what you want. And if it doesn't seem like it's happening from him, then dip. You both have to put forth equal effort. On your part, if you don't want to or can't seem to make yourself stick to fixing everything, untangle the ties to this relationship and be single. While being single find yourself and your peace and work towards creating a happy life for yourself separate from everyone but you.

   That girl, in my opinion, is a nice little escape goat. Even though it feels good, it's an escape a rebound, a void filler. If you are single I would say you can indulge and enjoy, but doing that too soon would just be you transferring energy to her. Everything you want from your boyfriend and couldn't get you would be using her to get. You don't want the same things are she so it'll be a waste of both of your times and energy and emotions. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K ( You wrote a lot so I gave you a wholeeeeee lot lol)

 Hey Tee Bee, Dating

Message: Hey girl! So l want to know when is it the right time to cut other guys off when you’re dating someone? If we aren’t exclusive but we go out everyday, talk everyday, have had intercourse would it be wrong to still talk to other guys or not being as tho we aren’t in a relationship. I’ve caught myself actually cutting guys off because l only “talk” to someone and then we end up not working out so l kinda “lost out”. l sometimes feel like l shouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket because l'm single but then when l feel like I’ve met a decent guy l don’t wanna be messy l kinda wanna give all my attention to that particular guy.

   I think you should cut guys off based off of the relationship between you and  that one guy, not a time frame. When you move off of a time frame or an ideal and not the actual persons involved and the feelings involved, I feel like that makes room for misunderstandings and misinterpretations. For example, you cut all of the guys you're dating off because you really really like this one guy you've been dating for 6 months because of that idea that you should have cut everyone off when in fact if you move off of the energy or motive of the guy who you're dating, and lets say he actually isn't feeling as serious as you are or have no intentions on making things monogamous, you're going to find out that you've "lost out" with these other guys. Makes sense?

   Whether or not it is wrong, I feel is also based off of the persons involved. If you're dealing with a guy who is only interested in dating and not working toward a commitment or is has split focus between other women he's dating, then it isn't wrong, it's the situation. If you're dealing with a guy that's serious about you, wants more, or is in fact also only dating you, in that situation dealing with other men may definitively be wrong because it would be hurtful to the guy you're dating which is wrong. 

   Also make sure you don't fall into one of those "situationships". To do that, don't follow the flow to a point where things are happening and words aren't being spoken. Don't assume based on ideals or the "rules" you see floating around on social media or even between your circle of friends. You don't have to be in a relationship necessarily, just get clarity and try to weed out the intentions of the guy that you're really feelin'. If he seems serious and his actions match then, yes both of you cut everyone off as you should. If he doesn't seem serious and seems like he's avoiding having something serious or at least set enough where you two have an understanding, then I would still date other men and would even contemplate cutting him off, but that depends on what you want and how serious you want everything. I can say that if you've been dating any guy you really like for at least 4 months, in my opinion, he should know whether or not he wants just you or not then you should move accordingly. Even if you feel like you've met a decent guy, don't put all of your eggs into his basket because just because he's decent doesn't mean your wants and intentions are aligned. Make sure you're giving all of your attention to a guy who is truly deserving of it.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Anonymous A, Getting Over Someone From Your Past/ Learning Self-love

   A part of self love is loving yourself enough to know when you have to move on from the things in life that threaten your happiness and sanity. Getting over someone you love and have been with for years is going to take time when the in-love feelings are still there. It's going to take just about as much or half the time you were together, to get over him. Just know that it will happen and you have to keep your life moving forward. If you want, refer to two posts of mine: "Needing" Closure is Bullshit". Find closure in accepting the ending of the situation and keep your life progressing. I've always found myself dealing with lingering feelings for guys and I've accepted it- I believe it's because I overthink a lot plus that coupled with the fact that when I like someone I really really like them so I lowkey obsess over the situation and replay all the good experiences in my head over and over, making it take forever to forget them (obviously) lol. You just have to allow yourself the time to heal while you're simultaneously focusing on yourself whether it's school, career a hobby- keep yourself occupied. Not only just occupied to get over someone, but occupied making yourself happy and and doing the things you love for the sake of yourself. That's also a part of self love: doing things you love, things that you enjoy and find fun. You are worth chasing after, you have to know and see that in yourself and to do that you must embrace all of your flaws; the things you love about yourself and dislike, the things you can change and can't, everything, and accept it all. It's a liberating feeling when you accept yourself. You have to just face yourself and expose yourself to yourself, and see you for being uniquely made and unchangeable. Also, don't run away from what's happening, you have to face it and accept it and keep progressing. You're worth chasing after, but by the right man for you. The right man will be in your life and you won't have to force it- it'll be. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Nekesha, Love

   Your heart won't let you move on if you don't let it, you have to force your heart and your mind body and spirit to move on. I believe it's contradictory and a lie to yourself to say you want to move on yet also saying you're still having sex "nothing more nothing less". It is in fact more because you can't move on from him, whether you admit it or not it's more to you than feelings-less sex. You have some type of feelings for him obviously. How do you expect to move on if you keep allowing him to come back "like nothing ever happened". He can't come back if you don't let him unless he has a gun to your head and forcing himself in your home, in your text messages, in your bed and in your guts. I have to be frank. You say you are praying to God to have him removed from your life completely, yet you're letting him come back. How that work? The answer is, it doesn't. Each time he does dirt or you decide to stop dealing with him or he ghosts or whatever the case is, what if that's the method that's being used to "remove" him out of your life, yet your working against the universe and God and the forces that're trying to help you out, by letting him come right back. You're never going to get over him without willpower. If you really want to move on, you'll move on. If you're still having sex with him and dealing with him, it doesn't seem as if you really want to move on. When there's a strong urge to deal with someone then you have to will yourself to stop. It's not a magic trick where you can cast a spell and are over him by some greater force, you have to put that work in to get over him and move on with your life. He doesn't have control over you, you're making a conscious decision to mess with him. You're allowing him to have this control over your life and control over you moving on. He ain't The Almighty Oz. Stop seeing him, block him and move on (if you want to move on).

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey  Bella Bell, So confused

   I'm not sure exactly what it is that you want to address with him. If it's the "i love you" back, I don't quite understand why because you don't really need to. If you didn't mean it he doesn't have to know and if you do then okay that's fine let it be. He's leaving to play ball overseas after this semester so do you want a relationship with him? That may not be realistic and may not work, but if that's what you want and want to address everything for that outcome, take a chance. You may be disappointed if you're turned down or if it doesn't work, but that's the risk you take with wanting to be with someone. If you don't want to attempt a long distance relationship with him and this is his last semester then just keep enjoying what you have now, a casual close friends/friends with benefits type relationship- if it ain't broke don't fix it or complicate it because you also stated that you are "fine" the casual speaking on campus because you "stay with him almost every night". Maybe he began distancing himself earlier in the semester and you two are keeping it discreet when you see each other on campus because he's leaving and doesn't want to make a huge thing out of you two seeing each other and doesn't want to complicate what you two have and seem to be enjoying because he's leaving across the seas and feels everything will end when he leaves. Again love, you didn't quite make clear what you wanted advice about or what you want from him, but before you bring anything to him, first actually figure out what you two have, what you want to happen, what's realistic and if there any real issues between what's going on that you feel need to change.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Tbaby 20, Moving on

   Yea, in my opinion you were right cutting him off.  His actions seem too inconsistent and I do believe he was just reaping the perks of having a "girlfriend" while not wanting the full commitment of one, aka monogamy, and he's most likely dating and talking to someone as you say you see from social media. The way to move on is to move on. You will still think about him definitely and still feel the hurt and confusion, but you must accept the situation for what it was and move on. If he cares for you and that part may definitely be true, he would act accordingly. You guys would be dating monogamously and working towards something more or just enjoying each other (because after 6 months if he doesn't know that he wants only you, than he just doesn't, in my opinion). Keep pushing forward because these feelings are temporary. Focus on yourself and your life- build the foundation for your future life and self. Whether it's school, career, a hobby, a social life- focus on those things and after a while you'll see yourself detaching from him. You can't have an idle mind because then of course you'll have time to overthink and obsess over the situation. Accept the situation and keep it moving. It's only been a month so don't stress too much about getting over him. It takes time for us all- give yourself pretty much the same time you were dating him, to get over him. It'll be okay, love. 

I hope this advice help you. -K

Hey Leah, Relationships

   I honestly feel like you should stay and try to work it out. If he actually ACTS on this, leave because that's grimy, but if he just says it, there's no really telling how much weight this statement holds. Confront him about it, not upset and crying and hurt but go to him straight level headed and composed like yea "you said ____ and it's unacceptable. Being your girlfriend this is beyond disrespectful and I don't appreciate it. It's damaging to how our relationship and family seems if you're out here basically telling another woman you would be with her. It's inviting and it doesn't promote us a united force. If you want to be with her go be with her, but if we are going to be together you can't be out here for everybody and out here disrespecting me. If I find that this happens again or anything else as equally disrespectful and hurtful, we're not going to be able to work." Those are just my words personally, but basically go in with that strong position. Don't go in emotional because that can be seen as weakness and you being open to manipulation or persuasion. This isn't like a negotiation. If you want to be with him which is fine, this is how I would go with it. Go in letting him know it's unacceptable and if you are going to be together this is what it is and if you can't accept it then go and be with her. In situations like these I prefer a stronger position and tone. We have the power especially when it's the man who's fucked up. A reconciliation has to be on our terms and he can get with it or go because he's not needed, he's just wanted. What I refuse to do is be in a relationship filled with disrespect and games because at the end of the day, I feel like I'm the prize. You are the prize, love.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Mirahsja, Trust

   Sometimes family members do you dirtier than any friend or foe of no relation. I would treat your sister like I would any other person, for the most part. If she's untrustworthy, has caused hurt to you and you can't even look at her without remembering all of the pain she's caused, then I wouldn't deal with her at all. Being betrayed by a family member, especially a sister, then a twin sister whom you're suppose to be the closest in the world to, can cause more pain than anything because those are the people who you assume have your best interest at heart and whom you feel you can trust the most. And to be a sister and choose to cause this hurt to you, I would question her character. 

   Now love, this is your sister. Before I jump to this solution, cutting any real relationship ties to her, I would sit and have a conversation with her. Figure out her motives behind lying to you. Maybe if her intentions were pure, I would ponder giving her another chance and trying to work towards forgiving her. If her intentions weren't so pure and were in fact malicious then I would definitely let that relationship go or at least the thought of having a close knit one. Some things you can't come back from and just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you're obligated to have a relationship with them. See if this relationship is salvageable and try if it is, but if it's not then know that you don't have to force having one.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Kaay M, What should I do?

   If you've lurked and have found several pics, more than this one that you mentioned, then yea definitely cut him off. I would confront him and see what he says. Not that you should take confronting him into hearing his defense to be persuaded, but just so see if he fessed up. if you have several receipts confirming that this is his girl, cut him off and keep it chucking. If doesn't even matter if you've met his family, how many trips or how many times he calls you his girlfriend, if he has another whole girlfriend or situation behind your back, he ain't no good for having it and lying about it. You never know situations, which is why I say confront him and investigate more. If 1 + 1= 2 of them together, go on about your life. The fact that communication has all of a sudden stop and became scarce shows some suspect behavior on his part. Gather all of your info and if it it proves him guilty do what you know you have to do. With you liking him so much I would go as far as blocking or at least unfollowing him for social media- his presence would hinder your progression and you moving on. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Natasha, Relationship

Message: I'm with this guy that is 7 years older than me. I know that for many people that's nothing when it comes to age differences but for me that's new. Everything about him is amazing and we understand each other completely. I'm talking physically and emotionally. I told some of the closest people in my life about him and the ones that's known me the longest either say leave him or have a make sure I get a guy friend that can help me out so he doesn't play me. The relationship is new (I'm talking just a couple months, but it did progress quickly) we started as literally attractive strangers and then feelings got involved and now we're a whole couple. But I feel like he's being genuine with me but then again he's 25 so he's experienced. I just don't want to look for a problem when there are none and at the same time I don't want to seem oblivious or naive.

   Definitely don't look for a problem where there isn't one, but like you said, don't be naive either.  I always tell my friends, don't look for problems, whatever you need to know, will find you. You'll stumble upon any dirt when you are suppose to because everything always comes to light. Pay attention to the things that happen in your relationship. Pay attention to your boyfriend also. He's 7 years older than you and most likely has much more experience in the dating world. Pay attention to how he treats you and make sure you aren't compromising your strong morals and beliefs for him. Make sure everything you do is because you want to and not because you were manipulated into doing so. It's small things. Are your wants, emotions and feelings and will being imposed on or exploited or are you living in this relationship freely and healthily. 

   You don't need to leave him nor do you need to find a male friend to make sure you don't "get played" you are smart enough to know.  You're a woman, you are strong and intelligent. You are no fool. Just be mindful and aware. Be aware of what's going on and be aware of how you feel. All you have to do is pay attention, like I said, trust your intuition, and no when to say no and know when to go.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Bailey, Relationship

   You're hurt by his lies and I would be too. I would feel hurt and a great deal of disrespect and betrayal. I couldn't trust someone or forgive someone for looking me in my face and lying, but that's just me. If you are the same, leave his ass. But also, if you aren't and you can actually forgive him, stay if that makes you happy. But I wouldn't. I personally couldn't. I would just disappear off the face of the earth and never speak to him again. Leave him wondering for a while and send him the receipts when he askes what's up or tell confront him and spill everything you've found. Don't give him a chance to lie and come up some defense and you don't fall for it. There's no defense, it's either you can deal with his infidelity, forgive him and make the decision to stay, or you can't and you don't. You have the right to feel either way. Follow your gut and make sure what your decision is yours and on your own terms. 

    If you find peace and healing and still want him back, then be with him. Don't let no dude disrespect you or think it's okay to disrespect you so if you want to stay, still break up with him and take your time to heal and teach him a lesson- that lesson is that disrespect and betrayal is unacceptable and give that one last chance. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Yvette, Relationship

    If you want to relax and not do favors for someone, don't. You have the right to be selfish and I wouldn't even call that selfish really, that's just you having the right to say no. "Sorry, I can't, I'm extremely tired, "Sorry, but I planned on saving this day for myself to relax, Sorry, I can't today" These are polite ways to decline and anyone who can't respect that is the selfish one. You aren't an employee under contract so you don't have to do anything you don't want to. When you are a selfless giving person, sometimes people get so use to you doing everything for them, you simply exerting you right to do something for yourself seems ludicrous. Well, it's not and you should always look out for yourself first. It's okay to do something for someone if you have the free time and don't mind doing it, but if you do mind even the slightest, don't feel obligated to. You're obligation is to yourself and your well being first. 

   You can't get reciprocity from someone who doesn't want to give it, BUT you can definitely test them to see if they are willing. Even if you don't need him as much as he seems to need you, ask of him favors as well, if you're hungry and he's out of class, ask of him to bring you food. Find small things that you can do for yourself, but also things that he can do for you and see if he does them. Suggest that you two go out on a date. Be causal like "Hey later this week, lets go __ or let's do this__" He could be using you and I feel like this is a way for you to see if he is just using you and is selfish himself or if he's in fact just needy but also appreciative of the things you do for him. Because he could easily just not be mindful of the fact that he's just taking. Maybe he also doesn't realize that you want your actions reciprocated because you don't ask him for anything. Start asking and being vocal about your wants and see how willing he is- see if this is a two way street. If it isn't I would def cut back the favors. You can still be cool with him if you want, but don't be doing all this extra stuff for him if he doesn't want to do anything for you. Also you'll see how real this friendship-relationship is once you cut back the favors (cut the favors back anyone for you peace of mind and to preserve your energy). If it's genuine he'll stick around.

Don't be letting people drain you if they aren't refilling you because they'll just keep it moving to the next person to suck dry while your there empty. Make sure you are being generous to the right king of people.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Daja, Relationship

   History isn't enough for me to stay affiliated with ANYONE and you guys' families aren't the ones in this relationship dealing with this disrespect and hurt. To me, those things aren't taken into consideration because they don't mean as much as how I would feel or am going through. Not even if I love someone will I take that into great consideration if the hurt is greater. Your actual words are "I feel like should I leave because I'm not happy..." If you aren't happy you shouldn't be dealing with whatever it is that's making you unhappy. I only do things that make me happy- on a large scale or small. You only get one life to live once and I would rather fill my days with happiness, joy, hope, success, laughter etc. and you should too. Don't waste your time and life being unfulfilled and unhappy. It doesn't matter how long it's been, you are validated to still feel this way. You are being hurt over and over. How's a wound suppose to heal if it's continually being opened? Whether in the future you want to reconcile if he changes, get back if that's what you want, but right now, I would definitely leave. You need to heal from the hurt he's caused and you can't do that still living in a relationship with him and being reminded of the hurt and even if you aren't reminded of it, you are still happy in the relationship. Do whatever it is you need to do to be happy and right now if that's leaving, leave.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Marie- 18 Broa, Advice

    It's not that you can't move on, because you can, it's that you maybe aren't allowing yourself to or aren't being patient giving yourself the time it takes to move on. I move on by moving on. No contact helps a lot. Accepting that the person is trash and hurt you also helps because you realize that they are no good for you and moving on is the healthiest thing for you to do. It takes willpower to not contact them and stick to your guns, but you can do it- you just have to be strong and do it. It also takes a while to get over someone you love so give yourself enough time and trust the healing process. Staying busy helps. Don't let your mind become too idle because you'll overthink and obsess over the situation making it harder for yourself to detach yourself. Give yourself time and allow yourself to move on from them. Your life isn't going to stop so go with it, so you don't stop either. Go out and have fun, go to school or to work, get keep moving forward independently from him and one day you will find yourself over it. Keep assuring yourself that this is what's best for you and stick with that. Find closure in the ending and what was, and trust your journey forward.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Kehlani, Am I jealous?

   Yes, you do seem a little envious of your friends relationship and while it's a bit normal, you can't let it grow and turn into something serious. Of course you're going to feel some type of way when she's openly expressing her happiness and being with him because you also want to share those feeilngs, but if you want to continue being friends you have to let this envy go before it destroys your relationship with her. You have to grow your self confidence and find reassurance within yourself knowing that you both can be and will be happy, but at your own time and pace. Don't let that hurt take over your soul. You need to look deep within yourself and find that your worth more and be happy that you got our of your toxic relationship. You were and are right for your point of view on your ex and just because she's happy staying in her "toxic relationship" doesn't mean that you would be too. Trust your instincts- you know he ain't right right now and don't settle going back to him just to be "happy". Real genuine love trumps whatever he's going to give you right now at this moment in his life. 

   Find love, confidence and assurance in yourself and your journey and be happy for your friend that she's happy. Once you find peace with where you are in [love] life, then you can find it easy to be happy for her. Both of yall can have and deserve happiness- know that.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Rayonni, advice for a friend

   I think you did the right thing by giving your opinion- you guys were having an open discussion and as a friend I feel like you do have that right to voice your perspective. You don't think it's healthy that they are together and as a friend you should voice that, but now I feel like you should leave it alone (unless there's real abuse happening then I personally would insert myself). There's not much you can do-you're right, he has to do and will do whatever makes him happy. You can't separate them or make him leave her, you just have to continue to be a friend and support him when needed. I wouldn't continue to press your feelings on their relationship to him because you pressing their breakup will put your friend in a weird, messy, hurtful position and would create issues with between you to. Just continue to support him and try to guide him quietly and respectfully. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Aloissa, Just need to vent

   I'm sorry you are going through this. This time of the year is a time of happiness, joy, hope and these are the emotions you should be feeling. If you can, try reconciling with your brother's wife and see if you can at least stay with them until after the holidays (February)  to give you some time to get on your feet and find another place. Maybe after empathizing with her she will find some love in her heart to give you another chance. You're brother is away in prison and she has to be going through her own issues mentally and emotionally, maybe you two can be support and aid for one another as you are both going through this loss of him while he's away and even financially, she may also need some help and you can contribute. You are linked to their children by your brother. Maybe have a sit down with her to see if there's any agreement you two can come to in order for you to have a place to stay and also we with family during the holidays.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Taylor, Death

   I would have loved to answer this message privately, but many people use fake email accounts and I wanted a guarantee that you would be able to see this.

    I can’t even imagine how you feel and what you are going through and I don’t know what I could say to make you feel better. Do know that I do care and my heart goes out to you. Depression is very serious, as well as grief and mourning. I want you to be helped. I feel like you really need to talk to someone better than I, at this time in your life that can help guide you. Just know you have my support and I'm here for you. Try reaching out to a guidance counselor or a therapist to talk about your emotions. There’s an app called Talkspace where you can chat with real licensed therapists any time of the day whenever you need them. The app does cost money, but if you sign up for the newsletter or use the discount code “idiots” from a podcast that is sponsored by this app, I believe you can get the first month free.

   The emotions you are battling are deep, but I do want to tell you to keep going. I feel like with help and with time, you can find strength within yourself and motivation to go to school now and continue on to build a wonderful happy life for yourself. Please download Talkspace and at least utilize that free month and talk to one of their therapists- I really feel like you can benefit more from them.

I hope this advice helps you and please keep me updated on your progress and journey. -K

Hey Shekinah, Advice/Your opinion

Message: Long story short my best friend is a male we’ve been friends since 2010 but have gotten closer over the years. Back in April I started dating this guy I’ve known for year of course my best friend gets a little jealous. Recently my boyfriend and I went away for a couple days for my birthday and ever since I got back I feel my bestfriend acting different towards me. For ex. We don’t hang out or talk as much as normal.

   Hey love, in my opinion, you need to talk to your friend and see what's his issue. He's jealous of your relationship with your boyfriend, it's probably because he likes you and/or is being territorial because you guys have been friends since 2010 and he is use to having all of your attention. I'm thinking it's either a temper tantrum because your attention is divided now or he's distancing himself because of feelings he has. If he likes you, I feel like it'll be best that he does put some distance in between y'all for the sake of his potential feelings and for your relationship. Talk to him and see where his head is. As a friend he has to respect your relationship and if he likes you then like I said you guys may have to put some healthy distance in between you for a little while until everyone can adapt. Jealously isn't good for any relationship.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Lia O, Advice about a guy

   I advise you tell him. He has the right to know about your health status, especially when you want to take things to a physical level. At any point in which a person is going to be involved in whatever way with someone, they have the right to know the whole truth in order to make a conscious decision of consent. I'm sorry you have to deal with this because people can be cruel and childish, but be strong and make sure you really get to know a person and make sure they are trustworthy and mature before you decide to be open and honest about your status. 

   Everyone deals with rejection at some point in our lives so try your best to remain confident and optimistic. Before you have that conversation, if you haven't already, research the diagnoses, the risks etc. so you can be prepared for any questions he may have for you because maybe that'll soften his outlook on everything allowing him the ability to accept it. If he accepts you and i really hope he does, amazing. If he doesn't, then life moves on and someone out there will. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Tia B, Knowing, but not knowing

   To gain your confidence back just believe in yourself. You've already come so far, keep going! Use the facts as motivation and also have some faith. You're attending one of the best universities for nursing so use your resources at the university for extra help if you need it. Being discouraged is normal so just focus on every day and try your best with each assignment because each good grade is motivation. Have faith in your own intelligence and also your schooling. Everything except being a bum is hard lol. No matter what you do, you're going to get a little discouraged or nervous, but have faith in yourself and keep pushing no matter what. This without a doubt is your passion so don't give up and just channel that energy to persevering. Utilize all of the resources your school has to offer and also get help and support from your peers. I wish you luck! Stay strong and keep in mind that it will all be worth it in the future.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Shay, Just need advice

   It's okay to be a generous person, but make sure you pay attention to who you're choosing to be generous to. Some people are users and will take your last every time and won't refill you. Surround yourself with people who refill you and that will give you their last as well, where the relationship isn't one sided and you find yourself being suck dry constantly. Also, even if you have people like that, don't always give people your last. If it's not a necessity, say you don't have it. It's okay to be selfish for the sake of your own sanity, well being and pockets. Keep some of your time and coins to yourself. It's amazing that you are so giving, but as much as you give to others, give to yourself too!! You can't build yourself if you have no you left after giving so much. It's cool to be nice, just don't be foolish. You NEED to preserve yourself in order to survive in this life. 

   As far as saving money goes, don't be giving it all to people- leave it at "sorry, I don't have it" and keep it pushing. Also, start small putting money into your savings account. I'm with wells fargo so the savings account is free, and it also is connected to the checking so every time I spend and swipe my card, a dollar is transferred automatically to my savings account. I love that feature because I don't even pay attention to it most of the time and my savings just grows nicely at it's own separate pace. Also when saving money, start small when you're putting money into your account. If you get paid 500- save 100 or even 50. Not saying that you will spend the whole amount left, but you just allow yourself room to spend and save. It allows you to test yourself, it gives you room for frivolous spending if you have an issue with that and it also helps that you do small pieces because you don't have to really dip into your savings to make those transfers. Another tip would be to save and transfer the bigger amounts during the free check where you pay no or less bills. Spend less money as possible on a daily. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or something, you don't need that chick fil a all the time! lol. Take baby steps with everything and have will power. Will power is most important with everything. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Cheleise, Boys

    If the boy you're talking to is always complaining about how y'all don't hang out and when you guys do, he's making moves and pursuing you sexually, then I can't help but think that's all he wants. If you feel super uncomfortable about this and don't want to have sex which you have all of the right not to, don't and I personally cut him off if it's super grimy and sleazy or either set him straight about you being uninterested and/or turned off by it (if that's how you feel). I'm assuming you feel conflicted because of course you wrote in about it, lol. If you feel conflicted it has to be because some part of you doesn't feel comfortable with the advances- tell him how you feel and if he acts shady afterwards or distant, then I would only think that's because sex is what he primarily wants from you. If sex isn't primarily what he wants, he would keep the same energy wanting to hang out with you and date, but now when you guys are at his/your house he will refrain from making moves and tone things down. Tell him to chill out then pay attention to how he moves afterwards- that'll show his motives. Once you can tell his motives, you act accordingly- cut him off or keep dating comfortably. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey 20 Jones, Love life

   Hmm, long distance, he's breaking up with you over petty arguments, then he keep sliding into other girls dms and justifies it by saying you two were broken up at the time- which has happened twice already. He doesn't seem like he wants to be in a relationship or at least he isn't taking it seriously. Don't allow him to keep breaking up with you- that takes away the seriousness of the commitment you two have being in a relationship. It's not respectful at all in my opinion. I wouldn't allow him to keep breaking up with me over dumb petty things- that unacceptable. He either wants to be together or doesn't. If he does, don't end the relationship, but work through the issues and arguments. I feel like he may be breaking up with you temporarily so he can go mess around with other girls, or to just have that freedom, even if it is just temporary because he keeps coming back. You have to put your foot down. Take away that dm justification and next time he disrespects you by sliding into some girl's dm, break up with him and be serious because he can't know or think it's acceptable. Sliding into someone's dm is a method or perusing- he's pursuing other women. The next time he threatens to break up with you, tell him to think long and hard before he does because you won't be taking him back again. I wouldn't allow him to keep playing these games with me anymore and you shouldn't either. He's either wants to be in your relationship or he doesn't.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Diamonique, Relationship Issues

   If you two have known each other for 6 years, he has to have some sort of trust in you, I feel. The only thing you can do is wait and make him feel safe and comfortable. When he shows emotion, even the slightest, actively listen to him, show empathy, make him feel safe, try not to criticize him, judge him, or pry into him. Allow him to come to you when he's ready. Maybe he just isn't the type to talk about his feelings, but that doesn't mean he won't. Give him time and work on creating a safe place with because one day be might. Don't read too too deep into it. Just focus on like, the little everyday things that would build a foundation of comfort, openness and vulnerability. Also, some men don't know how to be vulnerable and forthcoming with deep emotions. Make him feel vulnerability is okay by being open and understanding. Prying too much into this may make him shut down. Just let him be.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Ariel, Virginity

   I think you should wait and lose your virginity to someone special to you, someone you know and trust and have some sort of foundation with. I waited and I'm sooooo glad I did. I was 20 and with my at the time boyfriend- we were together for like 3 years and have known each other for like 4. Don't act off of hormonal impulse. Waiting until you have found someone that you have a foundation with, either friendship or relationship, ensures that you aren't just being used for your body- you have security and comfort and makes truly for the best experience. You know the person has your best interest at heart, will be patient with you and afterwards, you don't feel uncertain, regretful or embarrassed. Hormones can be a bitch, but masturbation is completely normal and works :) lol

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Mislead and Confused, Young and lost

   I think you should see where he head is. It seems that you have and are taking everything you two have experienced with one another into consideration and are trying to gain more understanding. You should talk with him and see what he wants. It's possible that he could have just used emotions to try to get with you, but I wouldn't jump to that assumption because you two were friends months prior to having sex so there's a possibility that his feelings were true. If the way he was telling you he felt about you coincides with how you now feel, then have a conversation with him telling him these feelings you have to see if you two can build off of that to be whatever it is that you want.

   Before you have this conversation with him I feel like you should not just take how you feel to him, but also take to him some actions. It's good to learn to not only move off of emotions, but to also move off of a reason, a want; have a purpose. Meaning, if you feel how you feel yes, tell him but don't just have that to say to him because that's weightless and pointless really- go to him also with what you want to happen. Have a purpose to this conversation so you can reach a conclusion and state of being; a new relationship, a title, an understanding.  Make sure before you have this conversation, you really sit and think about the magnitude of your feelings and what you actually want to happen, then go to him and talk.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Makayla Jones, 18, Motivation

 Thank you for your support! <3

   I hope you're at a better place in your life now. Find strength in confidence in yourself and your journey. Let the past stay there and just focus on your future. No offence at all, but f* that. Who care if you're family will see you as a failure if you start off at a community college. That shows their poor character, not yours. If they can't see your perseverance for even wanting to take the step and going to community college, then they are the failures. Go to community college if you want and need to. You should further your education! Especially considering how you say your GPA dropped in high school due to your personal issues, you need to build your collegiate background because with jobs, programs and universities, they'll look at your high school GPA, not your character or your past, and determind whether or not they want to hire or accept you and they will most likely not- that's just how it is because it's your record. So, go to community college and get back on the right foot and build a new record. Community college is still college, you still get a degree and an education. 

   Don't worry about what anyone else may think of you, it only matters what you think about yourself and who you want to be. You should be proud of yourself for college even being a thought because with most young adults, it's the last thing on their mind. That thought shows you want more for yourself and your life. If you want to go, you better go! You're the only one who has to live your life, don't allow people on the outside dictate what you do- especially when it's a positive! 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Sarah Higgins, Is he gay or am I reading too deep?

 I'm dying at "xoxo gossip girl" lol that was cuteeee

   Hm, if he says he's straight you really can't do anything, but believe him and keep it moving while waiting for those receipts. Some guys aren't super masculine or and in this generation with gender neutrality, mannerisms, I feel are one of those things that can be easily adapted and swapped by either sex. Also, he may be so confident in this sexuality enough for him to not care to use certain mannerisms. If you like him and he likes you, don't let little mannerisms stop you from getting your lil mack on. But also, if you are really bothered by his mannerisms that much that it's like bothering you, you might just need to let him be and not pursue him. I say that because you may not be able accept his mannerisms and that would be unfair to him because you being bothered and your nonacceptance of them may unconsciously cause you be judgmental towards him and criticizing of who he just is. 

   If he says he's straight and acts like he likes you, then believe that. If you can allow yourself to accept him totally, then get your man! Keep an open eye though because some men are on the down low, so allow yourself to like him and get to know him, but also be aware of more signs presenting themselves like his friends, past partners, etc. because he could be lying. Believe him and go with the flow until you have reason to not to.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jewel Bowlding, Advice with an old relationship

   If you guys are broken up and have moved on, ignore her and keep your life moving forward. If you haven't already, talk to her and set her straight if what she's saying isn't true and even if it is, let her know that you guys are broken up are moving on and if you two are going to still be affiliated, since it seems like y'all friends because she's still around to say these things, she has to chill with these accusations and speculations as to why y'all ended because______ *insert the reason why you are bothered*___. If she can't stop, and y'all ultimately want to be friends in the long run, cut her back because she is clearly still feeling some type of way and needs to heal, and move on for real. If she is still hurt and carrying that hurt, that is most likely the better solution, in my opinion.

If it's a case where you guys aren't friends and she is still finding a way to say these things to you, since they bother you, cut off her method of communicating that to you so you don't have to hear it. That kind of energy gets tiring.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Anonymous Chy, 19, Looking for advice asap :(

First off, thank you so much for your support. It truly means a lot to me.

   Never do anything that will jeopardize your relationship with your girlfriend. Try your hardest to refrain from being in situations where something may happen that you need to tell a lie about, even a little one, or avoid having to tell your girl. Any situation held back, looks like a lie. Even if it's not, even if it's just omitting certain details, we and many, still consider that lying. Even despite you feeling like it isn't or you have good reason, tell her anyway, explain the situation up front to her so she won't have to find out later and you risk her feeling some type of way. With this specific situation you need her to believe you about, idk what to tell you. The only real way for her to believe you is for you to have some receipts. Without receipts, you have to depend on her and her trust in you. If you can't physically prove it, then you can't make her believe you when her trust has already deteriorated, ya know? All you can do now, its be patient and hopeful while you make your best efforts to get in good graces with her, by providing her with reassurance (about you, the situation, your relationship) and to not let anything in this realm, happen again. The best apology is changed behavior... and gifts because everyone likes gifts. It's all about actions. You have to gain her trust back. Within this situation that you're actually telling the truth about, you might have to take an L, but that's unfortunately the price you have to pay for your previous untruths. Like I said before, the best apology is changed behavior. Don't let anything like this happen again at all. If she decides to stay with you and forgive you, next time she may not. You can't afford to risk losing the woman you love and all of the years you guys have built together. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Amber W, Should I leave him alone?

Message: Okay so I’ve been talking to this guy for about two weeks. I’ve only been to see him once and he doesn’t ask to come see me or for me to come over. And all he likes to do is text all day and we never have deep conversations, just small talk. So does this mean anything like he’s not interested? And should i be the one to tell him we should spend more time together? but i don’t want to seem too clingy. But if i did tell him how would i say it

It's only been two weeks so don't cut him off just yet. Give it like 1-2 more. He's either just dumb or uninterested or both and now we have to figure that out and that takes a little more time to plant seeds and observe. Try to initiate seeing him and having deeper conversations outside of small talk. With some guys you have to take the initiative. It's not clingy to do this, it's just doing your part to show your interest which everyone should. It's only "clingy" when you're demanding a lot of time and pressuring him to see you like everyday- this here isn't that. We have to stop letting dudes call us clingy when it's just us showing the basic interest and being assertive. Clingy is borderline obsessive and possessive and definitely demanding of unrealistic time, so anything short of that isn't clingy- it's showing interest like we all should. They just call it clingy when they're just lazy or uninterested. So, see where his head is about going on a dates and seeing each other (maybe once a week because I believe that's reasonable) and having real, get-to-know each other questions and conversations. I say once a week bring up a date because he could be busy but everyone has at least one or two days a week free to do something and if he's interested, he'll make that effort. Plant that seed once and don't mention it for the rest of the day or week. Once a week also shoots down that notion of "clingyness" in case anyone tries to pull that, because that's actually very realistic. No two people dating will only see each other once or twice a month, in my opinion, that's crazy. Just bring it up like, "hey, let's go_" or just say "I wanna see you" and see how he responds. If it's not receptive and assertive like ite bet, than he's uninterested. If over these next 1-2 weeks it just doesn't happen (conversation or seeing him), then definitely cut him off. Ain't nobody go time for that. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Remi Batista, 23, Life

First off, happy belated birthday!! I turn 23 this year as well- in less than a month to be exact, lol.

I feel like little "midlife crisis" are normal for we millennials because we are in an age where we see what everyone else is doing, so it's easy to compare our lives to others and even just simply seeing other places and things that we can experience, that we get bored with our own lives. It happens to me every couple of months and to my friends often as well. I thinks actually figuring out what changes you want in your life, makes it easier to exact change in it. You have to figure out the problem first before solutions can be revealed to you. If you're stuck in your everyday routine, switch it up a bit. Start small, go out, experience new things there in your city where you live and maybe take up a new hobby. If it's in career and you are bored and are stimulated by work anymore, try finding a new job or maybe look for a new position within your company. Like I said, it becomes easier when you first decide what you want "more" of. Find that answer and then build solutions. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Kaitlin McCray, 19, Life

   Don't feel worthless, no one in the world is worthless. You're just a bit lost and discouraged which is normal for someone of your age- I went through it as many of us do. In order to get a grip on things, you need to be present in your life and consciously evaluate your life, accept what's going on and happened in your life, and begin reshaping your life again. After this year of college is over take that free time to figure out what it is you want to do. You have the right to edit and create a life you want. You say you're in college and have no clue what you're doing and what you want to be- take time out to figure out why that is. Think deeply about why you're so confused. Is it that you hate your major? Is it just confusing? Or is it just something you don't have an interest in? Find those answers. Then start figuring out what you like to and what you can do for a living from the things you like to do. What are you interested in doing academically? What type of mark do you want to leave on the world? Or just simply, what wouldn't you mind doing for forever or long term as a career? Sometimes we are pressured by ourselves and those around us to go to college and we go before we decide or figure out what it truly is that we want to do there. Maybe this is one of those situations. Focus on finishing this year strong collecting them credits, then take the summer to figure out everything. At least figure out most of these things. The goal is clarity. I personally wouldn't go back until I personally knew what I wanted to do there because in my opinion and mind, it's a waste of time and money if you're there for something you don't like or have interest in and it's a waste getting a whole degree in something you don't want to do or like, just to have a degree. Because then, you may make no use of it and that's more of a setback in the long run than just pausing here for a while until you have things sorted out. 

   And when it comes to guys, they'll always be there and you have time to date, but you have more worthwhile things to deal with and all guys do is complicate things. Don't let any guy take up time you don't have with their confusing. You can have fun, and have male friends and party, but trying to pursue anything serious with a guy right now who may not even be ready and whole himself yet, may be counterproductive and distracting. Focus on yourself first. Have fun, make this year count, don't stress too much and just get to know yourself. Because once you get to know yourself more, you'll find clarity in the things you truly want, more easy.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Jaeda Taylor, Dating in college

   Hmm, only you can truly analyze the relationships and decide whether it's you or them. But i will say, since you just said "I'm not the kind of girl that is pressed to be in a relationship", I can only wonder whether or not those are the vibes you give off. Maybe you've dated guys that wanted relationships and you just didn't seem like you were interested in more. I can't really dissect the situation because of the amount of info you gave me and this is pretty broad. I do know that you shouldn't sum in up as you being someone that "just isn't worth the time and effort", that's an unhealthy negative way of thinking about it and yourself so definitely stop that way of thinking. Just think about yourself and the situations to try to determine whether it's something you did, didn't do, something the guy did or didn't do- there are many factors so don't jump to that conclusion. Try to figure it out, but if you can't don't sweat it, just live in the present moment and worry about what's happening now. If you're interested in a guy you're dating and want more, focus on that and exude that energy because the universe lines you up for the things you want. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Cobi B, Fake-ish friends

   You didn't state the things that make you feel like she's not a good friend to you so I can't fully dissect the situation, but I will say, if the events that make you question whether or not she's your real friend are malicious, backstabbing, betraying, events then definitely cut her off despite the 4-5 year history. Those things are unforgivable no matter how long you've known her. If the events are such that include low effort, attention or gossiping, then you should not cut her off necessarily, but cut her back. Maybe she's just meant to be an associate; someone who supports you; someone you can still talk to; someone that can still be in your life. Just re-evaluate your friendship to see if these issues are able and worthy or getting through. Also, you have every right to edit your life and the people in it, so if you aren't feeling her energy and contribution to your life, then cut her off anyway. Not everyone you've met or know is meant to stay in your life so move in the direction of your heart. If the relationship is salvageable then try to find solutions and talk to her to see if she's aware of the things she's doing, but if you really don't want her in your life, edit her out. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Deioviona Brown, Where's life taking me?

   You need to think. Really think deep down inside of yourself and figure out what you are passionate about. Finish this semester definitely and during summer break, let that be the time, if you haven't already, decide what course you really want to take in life. Maybe you're in the wrong major? Maybe the wrong school for what you want to do. I feel like you def need to figure that out before you continue into the next year in school. I say finish the year because you need to have them credits in your pocket just in case you can and need to transfer them to somewhere else. Finish this year because you may even decide that it's actually what you want to do and continue doing, and you need to not just up and quit unfinished- that's unproductive and will set you back.

   You are strong and resilient and just need to re-evaluate what you're doing. It's amazing you've overcome all of those obstacles because some people wouldn't have the strength to keep pushing, but you do! Take the summer to find yourself and these answers. You're right, God didn't bring you this far for no reason. You've come along way and just because you've come this particular way doesn't mean you have to stay. This road could've just been the road that you needed to take to get your mind right and finishing school and into college and now that your mind has focused, maybe your the next step is to channel your mind and focus to something else and continue down another road. That road may even lead to another road, so you might find yourself switching it up again but the destination is what matters. FIND THAT ENDING DESTINATION. As long as you find that ending destination and are working towards that that's what matters, at least to me. Take that time, during the summer, to figure everything out. Your next move right now is to finish this year strong, all the while still pondering the things you love, what you can see yourself doing for the rest of your life, what makes you happy and from those things what careers can you get out of them and potentially pursue. But right now, focus on making this best year great.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey D'Nae Smith, Relationship

   If you want to stay, you should stay. These issues don't seem toxic or detrimental so I will say it's forth working out, not getting out. The fact that you guys are having issues of past relationships, trust and openness, so early in your relationship makes me wonder if you guys jumped into this relationship too soon. You've been together for only a month having these problems- that's not a great start at all. These are things I feel are suppose to be handled during the dating phase because they determine whether or not you two should've gotten into a relationship. You both hold the major keys to fixing your problems so you just have to start working on it. If you both equally want to be together than you should definitely work on strengthening this bond because I feel it can be done with effort, time and patience. So, if you both want the same end game then walls are going to have to be torn down, trust is going to have to be earned and built and you both will have to take the risk and show some vulnerability. 

   You say you want him to to know that he can trust you, you should have a conversation with him and see how you can make that be. If it's reasonable and it's something that you don't mind doing for the sake of gaining his trust then do that. He's told you that he feels as though you haven't let your guard down and he doesn't really know you. Well, that's going to take some risk on your part. You say you don't want to give him all of you completely "only for him to leave", that's the wrong kind of attitude to have and energy to bring into this new relationship. You saying that also adds to my worry about you two possibly getting into this relationship prematurely- by the time you get into a relationship you should have hella confidence and faith in its strength and lasting power. You're going to have to be vulnerable and open about yourself with him if you want this to work. He needs to know you and you need to know him. You can't be with someone you don't know- that's unrealistic. Y'all really have been in this relationship for a month, with these issues, one would think you should go back a little into the dating; "get- to-know" phase until you can solve these issues and are able to be together because you may not even be able to fix them and be in a relationship. Titles matter, but they aren't the foundation to a relationship. The foundation starts with you two building and bonding, then later you throw that title in there.

   If you really want to be with him, you should stay. If you don't want to be with him, you should go. And if you do feel you want to be with him then you'll do what it takes to fix your issues- taking those risks. And vice versa on his part. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Quiet Storm 21, Too shy

   You're so me. I was shy my whole entire life. No for'real, my shyness began to fade a little once I graduated high school back in 2012 and then onto college years. I never had boyfriends partly because of this reason (the other half was sheer disinterest resulting from immaturity lol). I will say chill out. I wish someone would've told me that. Just stay calm and don't overthink the interactions. Through text is cool because needing counsel won't ever get old lol, I still do it til this day and my friends also come to me and we're 22-23 now. When you're with him try not to overthink what you do and just go off of pure emotion. It's hard for us shy people because we're not open with conversation or actions because most of the time we're planning conversation or actions instead of having one or acting. So when you're with him try to relax and just go with the mood. 

I have to be honest though, I've had guys make the same comment about me being too shy, and it is a characteristic that's deterring for them. BUT it's not nor their fault of ours. It's our nature and we can't help it and some guys aren't equipped to handle shy people. Some guys have the patience and the understanding and also the attraction to shyer, modest ("mysterious" is a word I've gotten  before) women because they see it as a challenge and are curious, but on the other hand some men do prefer their women outspoken, aggressive, and transparent because that's just what they like and it saves time getting to know them and not a lot of work getting them to open up. Either way, it's preferential and no one can be at fault. I'm saying this to say, there's a chance this may not work out for you because he can be a part of the group of guys that don't mesh well with us and I have to be honest about that fact- to prepare you. If that is the case, don't beat yourself up because you'll like more guys and you will def run into a guy that can and will be able to handle you, trust me. He may be equipped though, so in the meantime just be you and go with the flow.

Also, don't be afraid to get out of your comfort zone. If he wants you to pull up and you don't mind or are able to, do it! Don't overthink it. Lastly, "What are you doing?" conversations do get hella boring with anyone so switch it up. Before you call him or if you find that you have some free time, take out your phone and make notes on topics to converse about. I still do that and it helps as a reference sheet when or if over the phone conversation gets a little slow. 

Don't beat yourself up about being shy. You can't help it, embrace it. Tell him about your shyness- help him understand and reassure him of you liking to him because being shy we aren't that open so he may not know and in the beginning of your submission you said "I'm assuming that he knows that I like him". Tell him that you like him. Not super random, but slide it into conversation. Like, for instance, if he makes a joke or you're talking about something or he does something that you find attractive, be like "see, that's why I like you, you're...". That's an easy way to do it. 

I want to keep stressing not to overthink, to you because I still have to tell myself that all of the time. Don't overthink you're interactions with him, don't overthink the fact that he may be talking to someone else and don't overthink it if this doesn't work out. You like him- focus on that and him. Focus on the things you can control like you're interactions with him and how you can better them. Just relax and live in the moment and make your best effort.

I hope this advice helps you. -K 

Hey Ryan Adams, Drop this friend

    I don't know if I would cut her off completely, because that's up to you ultimately depending on how you feel in your heart BUT, I would definitely stop hanging with her. From your last submission and this one, I'm not sure what your benefits are from this friendship, but you are having a lot of issues with her. A real friend wouldn't act like that towards you interacting with her siblings. A real friend would embrace you and treat you like a sibling too-- you would be apart of their family. The way you describe the way she reacts to you just talking to her siblings would irritate me, would make me feel uncomfortable and would def deter me from being around them all. From you being down with her when she was going through those issues with her boyfriend, from you compromising with her on plans because she has strict parents-- always having to be at her house or having to drag her younger siblings around with you guys, then her attitude, I honestly would be about done with her. I can't tell if this relationship is beneficial to you and she doesn't seem appreciative or like a friend from the things you tell me she has done and said. I would be over her completely. It's up to you because you know your relationship with her deeper than I do, but if she isn't bringing anything positive or worthwhile to you guy's friendship then I would really consider letting this friend go. Just start distancing yourself from her.

   In my personal life, I just feel like if the person isn't bringing me peace and comfort and isn't filling me mentally and emotionally, I'm not going to deal with them. Think about that when evaluating all of your friendships and relationships with people. There's no reason to hold on to these relationships when you aren't getting anything from them. What is it obligation or because of a history with them? Because we feel bad? That's not enough and aren't even real reasons to hold on.

   If you want to and haven't talked to her about it, I would address the issues and see if you can and want to fix anything or get answers from her, but I personally would still began to ease away.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey 20 Young and Confused, Relationship hanging on by a thread

Message: I haven’t been feeling the same about my boyfriend since our last argument. I just want him to act right & treat me how he was treating me before we even got into a relationship. I want to break this whole relationship off because I know I deserve to be treated with respect & treated with respect also. He thinks it’s funny & okay because his father treated his mother the exact same way & she stuck around & married him. I wouldn’t have allowed to be treated like this from anyone I’ve talked to or dated in the past, so I don’t know what’s keeping me with him. When he wants to go through my phone I let him, but when I want to go through his he says “naw chill bruh, you good”. I don’t even feel the same about him. I just want to leave, but at the same time I don’t. I don’t know what to do. I’m only 20 & I don’t deserve to be put through the stress that I’m going through with this relationship.

   Leave him, love. You know he's not worth it, you already said it. He thinks it's funny that he's neglecting you? Excuse me?! Is he even acting like he wants to be kept? Oh, so he thinks that since you're in a relationship it's a binding contract that you can't get out of? Please cut him loose. Either he'll get his shit together and you guys can work it out in the future or you'll be free off that dead weight holding you down. You know better because before him you said you wouldn't let any other man treat you like this. At this point you are causing you own stress. You know what to do, just be courageous enough and just do it. You already know your issues with him and I'm sure he knows too. By your tone and words I know you've talked to him about your issues before of you saying he thinks it's funny and the reference to him parent's relationship. Remind him of who you are, that you don't need him and that you REQUIRE a certain type of treatment. By staying you're showing him he's right and that you're going to play the same role as his mom did, therefore he's not going to care to change his actions at all. You say you don't want to be with him, so don't. You're not obligated to be. And even if you want it to work with him, still leave him. You need to leave regardless because he thinks you're not, so he won't ever change. 

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey 16 Brrr Brrr, God

   I'm honestly not the most religious person, but I am very spiritual and I also consulted someone else to answer this question. For anyone who is religious or spiritual, I feel you need to be open minded and believe- because some of His answers may be in a form different that what you expect. You say you know He hears you because you've been blessed in only ways He could so, it's not like you aren't being heard completely, maybe it's just for certain questions. The friend I consulted prays a lot and talks to God and I asked her has He ever spoken to her and she also says no and that you may never hear him directly, but more so feel Him and see His answers to you. I say you have to be open minded because you need to be open and receptive to seeing all possible answers to the things you are praying for. If you're using tunnel vision you automatically eliminate all of the possibilities at your peripheral. Open your mind also to those other forms His answers could be in. I wasn't directly lead to this path of making this blog and wanting to be a therapist, but I was guided into this lane not directly or by a vision or a big sign, but because all of the other career paths I was going down, just failed for me. I honestly believe a sign or answers from any higher being can be in the form of unhappiness or failure. If something isn't working out for you, something that you keep stabbing at and for some reason it's just not working out, it can be because it's just not suppose to be. Also be mindful that you aren't working against your blessing or sign because you just want it your way so badly. You have to trust the process of your life and go with it. Sometimes you could block your blessing because you may not see if for what it is because you want something else. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and what is meant for us will find a way to happen no matter what. Just remain positive, open minded, patient and trusting.

I really hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Fed Up, Talking stage

Message:  I've been "talking" to this guy for almost a year and I feel that I've given him enough time to figure out where he wants this to go. Am I being impatient or has it been long enough for him to know what he want? 

    Yes, you've definitely given him enough time to know where he wants things to go between you all. Some people may even feel you've been generous af and have given him too much time, lol. I personally think it's been a fair amount. Guys can be slow and confused and I'm a go with the flow girl and when I was dating my ex we were dating for a year before we started to title our relationship and have a commitment because we wanted to get to know each other before we became a union. Have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel. He needs to have a serious answer and response to this matter because he's had more than enough time to develop feelings for you, know if he wants a relationship and definitely know if he wants that with you or not. If he dances around it and tries to give an iffy answer, don't let it slide, dig in and question why if there's uncertainty in this response and voice. If after all of this time he doesn't want the same as you or if you are unsatisfied with what he wants, if I were you, I would step off completely or at least fall back and look at other guys. At this point you too should have more seriousness if your relationship with each other because that's a whole lot of time to have been wasted just "talking'- only unless you're fine with not having a commitment or serious relationship. Since you're asking me, I assume you want more and you should and deserve more of what you want given all of the time, effort and feelings you have put into him so don't settle.

I hope this advice helps you. -K 

Hey Carolyn, 21, Loneliness

Message:  Hey soo here's my thing, I lost my father and brother within 2 years of each other (2013 & 2015) I was so close to them that now I just feel so lonely when yet I'm always surrounded by someone rather it's friends or family. I still just feel a sense of loneliness. So at first I figured it's cause i don't have a significant other or like a boo but on the other hand everyone says you can't love someone else until you love yourself and I want to love myself and learn how to be ok with being alone but idk how to do that? Like what is it that I have to do to begin loving myself ...honestly I don't even find myself attractive anymore, I'm tired of feeling lonely and I just don't know what to do anymore.

    You need to find companionship within yourself. Once you find that friend in yourself, you won't feel that lonely in the absence of others. It's normal to feels some loneliness when you've lost people you're close with or even if you're just alone in moments. You need to find that friend in yourself to ensure your own comfort so you won't feel so empty without a counterpart. This is super important given we come in this world on our own and we leave it the same. First things first, do what it is that you need to do to find that attraction of yourself. You need to like yourself, then comes the love, then obsession (lol), then comfort and confidence. Do whatever it is you need to do, makeover- skin, hair, makeup, clothes, that makes builds that attraction. Fix your flaws in healthy ways like adapting a new skin care regimen if your skin is holding you back from that attraction or learn to beat your face to give you that extra boost of glam, take yourself on a mini shopping spree if you want to revamp your wardrobe, cut your hair or get a new hairstyle or begin working out (at home or the gym) if you want to improve on your physique. Once you start those things then you work on the inside. Spend quality time with yourself. Don't sulk in loneliness because you're alone. You can still do fun things by yourself. Take on a hobby you're interested in, read a book, watch or go to the movies, binge watch your fav show, watch stand up comedy and laugh all day (that's one of my favorite in home past times), cook your favorite meal or shit, go buy it lol. Good food is a fast way to happiness, in my opinion. Fill that empty space with things you like and like to do and I think that feeling of loneliness will fade. Be able to be alone without feeling lonely. Fill that empty time with things that make you happy. Get a pet! Cat, dog, hampster, whatever floats your boat. That's unconditional love right there. Once you find happiness and confidence in yourself, then you will exude it and it will attract others (a boo or whatevas lol). Go out with some friends or if you don't have many, make new ones. In common areas like work, school, or at your favorite bar or cafe. I feel like true love and comfort in self is staying true to yourself and the things you want in life. Sit and think deep into your wants and desires and do what you can to manifest those dreams. Think about what the mark is that you want to leave on this world, and work toward that. You will find happiness and satisfaction. Everything you truly want has the pure potential to happen because once you think it the mind automatically begins putting together the pieces in order to execute these desires then you just have to physically execute the steps.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Deana Holmes, Getting over your ex

Message: It's been 5 months and I haven't seen him or talked to him. I don't even lurk his social medias, but I still can't seem to get over him. He was my first boyfriend, first everything tbh & one day he left me for someone else. I was devastated. Today I lurked his social media and I'm not sad because I've already accepted things for what they are, but why can't I get him off my mind?!

   Five months is a long time, but not hardly enough to be over someone who was so important so allow yourself patience and more time. Maybe your mind is too idle. Take up some activities, read a book, hone a new craft. When you lose someone that was a major figure in your life, it's normal to miss them and have thoughts of them when your mind goes astray or you when you daydream so just occupy your mind with new peoeple and activities, interesting things, distractions, and I feel eventually a major percentage of these thoughts will cease to cross you.  You are already on the right path!

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey KK 20 Santana, Skin

    I've always had issues with my skin too so I know how you feel. I say accept it and try different remedies to change it. I personally suffer with skin discoloration right now, have always until my adult years had issues with acne and still get break outs. I specifically remember one day having a huge breakdown in my room about why my can't can be perfect like others "WHY ME?!". It was like the calm after a storm because that day after I cried I was like "fuck it". I'm most likely never going to have Justine Skye's skin, it's just not in my genetic makeup and some people just don't have to suffer with acne. We're all created differently so, it's easy to accept once you really acknowledge that and accept. After acceptance then I started looking at and trying different things. Some things work, some things only work for a while, and some things may even fuck your skin up. I stay away from the chemicals now. At one point from Sephora, I can't remember the name, but a product burned my skin and have dark patches and irritation. Since then (it's been a year and change) it's lightened and my skin is becoming more even. Long story short lol, accept that you are you and may never reach the skin goal as those persons you admire and envy because we have to or we'll suffer. Then try out some products, natural products, to try to remedy your discoloration (cocoa butter, shea butter, exfoliating with a mixture of lemon juice + oatmeal+ turmeric powder I heard helps). Accept that these things may or may not work, but either way you're you and can't change that and with discolored skin, you're still perfect in the way you were created and be happy with yourself because that's what matters. Also, you're also the person who cares THE MOST about your flaws, no one else does forreal forreal. So stop crucifying yourself.

I hope this advice helps you love. -K

Hey Babygirl 16, Letting Him Go

    I'm happy you could use my advice and that it's helped you! 

    These feelings are normal love, so don't be overthinking or feeling pitiful or like a burden to yourself. You still care because you like him and that's fine. You can hate him and like him at the same time that's normal too. The like will fade and you won't find yourself caring anymore. Give yourself time. Don't think "I can't get over him", it's rather "I'm not over him YET" ya know? You will get over him you just gotta be patient with yourself. To get over the pain, you just have to go through the pain. Find reassurance in the fact that you know he's bad so you made the right decision, you're working toward healing and getting past him, and knowing that one day you will be over him. As far as your friends and people telling you little shit about him, tell them you don't care to know. These little updates aren't necessary for you and you should keep he and the thoughts of him, reminders, everything far from you. You have to forget his existence and eventually you will and you be over him. Even if you need a distraction, get a nice gentleman and let him entertain you for fun and he can be a nice friend too lol. Nothing too serious to get yourself invested in before you're over this guy not like a rebound, but just like a flirtationship. If ya want of course.

I hope this advice helps <3 -K

Hey Beautiful Pearl, Am I doing something wrong?

    You aren't doing anything wrong love. You're just going through life. You're going to run into bad people and had times of depression, but what's important is that you keep pushing. The more you live and experience, the more you learn. Use the friends you've lost to betrayal as lessons and what to look out for when making new ones. The best part about being a friendly person is that you will always meet new people. A bad side of being too caring and too giving is that when you run into those people who are users and suckers. Don't be too upfront with your giving nature, wait to see who is worthy of your giving. If you meet someone and you feel they are already using you (financially, mentally/emotionally, cut them back and/or off.  Be weary of those who don't ask how you are, don't care to hear about your life, and don't give you anything (not just material things- an ear to listen, time, attention) and stay away from them. Crashing waves are just a part of life so just keep swimming. Don't focus too much on other people, focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Don't linger on the bad things, focus on what's good and improvement. Do more of what makes you happy and you're become happier. The only way to get past something is to go through it. Remember every bad feeling is only temporary. I hope this advice helps you love and I'm so sorry for your loss. -K

Hey Wild Flower, 6 Years of body sharing pt. 2

    I still believe like I said before that this was just a friends with benefits relationship. You're moving off of your emotions and assumptions, not facts. It seems like he's just using you as a side, and you're allowing him to. You've had a friends with benefits relationship for 6 years, you don't think it should or would have progressed to more, 5 years ago? You guys aren't together. Even if he's leading you to believe it's more than just sex some of the time, what about the rest of the time and the fact that you actually aren't together? You either need to accept your position as a side and stay to the side while he finds or has his actual girlfriend or stop dealing with him altogether. Feelings involved or not, you gotta determine what kind of situation you want to be in and put a title on it or you're going to continue to be confused about this situation with him. You guys aren't together and apparently seems like you aren't going to be, but he said you can still send him pictures and still be his "princess" What does that even mean? His actions say he doesn't want to be with you, but is still interested in having your body. "Princess" isn't a relationship title and means nothing. Feelings involved or not, you need to determine what this actually is by the facts, decide what you want to do and act accordingly. I hope this insight helps you, love. -K

Hey Babygirl 16, Letting him go (pt.2)

    Please don't think you're bothering me, love. I'm here for you and this. My impulsive self would give him a piece of my mind but I don't allow that impulsive nature to  succumb me (rash decisions rarely have a positive outcome) so I just let shit go. I've learned that telling someone off doesn't solve anything if that person doesn't care to listen or hear anything you say even when you make perfect sense, so don't waste your breath. At the age you all are not, he doesn't care. He's either faking caring or faking not caring and either way it takes too much focused energy on his ass to figure out which it is. Keep it moving. He's a fuckboy in the making and he's just building his arsenal of lies and games. I personally don't give someone more that two chances to fuck me over. The first is uncontrollable and the second time is after I decide to give them another chance to see what they're about and once they show me that a fuckperson is really who they are, I'm out. I'm not staying to hear more bull and to be played on again. This applies for this guy, any future guy or girl friend, family etc. I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Lost Boy, Him

    Personally, if I liked someone that was in a relationship, I wouldn't say anything until they became single. If I need to remove myself and my feelings from that person's life in order to not be troubled by my feelings toward he and his relationship, I will. I can't and wouldn't jeopardize anyone else's happy relationship. And if it isn't a happy one, I would just play my position as a supportive friend (or associate if I chose to remove myself) until that person became available and the news of my feelings wouldn't be conflicting or inappropriate. There're other people out there that you will happen upon that will give you the same feelings this guys does so just be patient. Someone else will be easy to talk to and will make you feel "comfortable". You're 20 and there's ample amount of time for you to find someone and you will. I feel like you shouldn't tell him because that will make your relationship with him conflicting and awkward and may interfere or cause conflict in his relationship. I personally feel like you just keep it to yourself and find another guy. He's not available to you right now. I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Mona, 15, Frees, New Kid

    It should now be like what? You're 7th day at school, chill girl and be patient! lolll. You're thinking about making friends too hard right now focus on them assignments and friends will happen eventually. Give it a month at least. Be aware of what kind of friends you'll make when you're literally basing people you want to be friends with off of how they look. You should feel bad lowkey because that's signs of shallowness and superficiality which aren't ideal or important characteristics to have as a person or to look at when wanting to make friends, real friends. A real friend can come in a completely different form of who you would expect you would click with and you might miss out on a real gem if you don't "like" their shoes. Trust me, it's not that bad because I do it. I want and like for my friends to match my aesthetic too, for visual purposes and common interests, but I wouldn't dare turn down a connection or diss someone cool af just because they don't look like how I "want". That's crazy and will definitely leave you lonely out here. Worrying about how someone looks will have you befriending people for the wrong reasons and you'll be lonely in the midst of a group of people (because the connection may not be real and you may not have a genuine liking for them or lack similarities).

   The new girls tips I can give you would be: 

1. Focus on classes and learning (I know that probably sounds corny as hell but it's true) because that's why you're there first and foremost lol.

2. Don't conform. Be yourself at all times meaning don't compromise your morals and beliefs for other people in order to fit in.

3. Don't look for friends. Just follow the vibe off of who you genuinely feel a pull towards. Don't worry about how someone looks because that doesn't matter at all. Anyone has the possibility to change your life.

I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Kennaie Williams, Learning how to love yourself

 Message: I got into an relationship when this guy when I was in 6th grade until I was a Junior in High School. We have basically been through everything together and I always find myself going back or somehow allow him back into my presence. I think I always let him come back is because I've never really learned to love me or put myself first. I have always felt this void inside of myself, but I still don't know what it is.    

    You said you've always felt a void inside of yourself, you need to figure out what that is and fill it. Fill it yourself, not with another being. You've been with this guy from 6th grade to junior high so he's been a major part of your growth and development during those important prepubescent years. You're giving yourself over to and sharing yourself with someone, but you aren't even fully developed yet. In a way I feel like you may have been tailoring yourself and molding yourself into someone being with him or dependent upon him, instead of independently on your own, genuinely. I feel like you just need to step back and figure out who you are, independently from any man. Grow and figure out what this void is and what you're missing in your life. Grow into your own person. Learn to love yourself. Become acquainted with who you are and what you like and deserve out of life. Those are what I think to be the beginning steps to self love. I hope this advice helps you. -K

Hey Wild Flower, Dude I've shared my body with for 6 years

Message: So recently I was blocked by this guy I've been sleeping with no explanation so I reach out to his ex or whatever she was to him at the time cause I knew she'd tell him I messsged him he claims he blocked me cause he didn't wanna wait my waste or his entertaining me. Mind you a month ago I was in his bed saw on snapchat some girl was calling him babe and kissed his ear now it sounds like they together but he didn't come out and say, talking about what we had was just sex but for 6 years ain't no way you not catching feelings. Then he wanted to go on me but I refused talking about I need to stop acting crazy and move on from him I said to him I wonder if ole girl knew I was in his bed a month ago. I said I needed to chill and that I act like he owes me something but I didn't do anything to get blocked he said he liked me as a sex partner said he loved me cause it's what I wanted to hear I tried to be together with him but he didn't want that talking about I'm too old to think just cause I send him nudes we something....how should I handle this he said he can be friends but what we once did is dead and that I won't hear from him like that

    You just need to move on. Forget this situation (not the lessons it's taught though) and forget him. It's a bad situation that you just need to move on from. No you can't be friends with him and you shouldn't even attempt. I always say and I feel strongly that women aren't able to carry on friends with benefit relationships with guy without catching feelings, while men are very able (even for 6 years). This was just that type of situation, in my opinion. It's seems like you guys had a f.w.b. relationship where y'all were just having casual sex and that was it. It seems like he was just ready to settle down and have a relationship so he ended this casual sex one for a girl he was actually serious about. You shouldn't contact him or his girlfriend (that would be spiteful), you just have to bow out and go about your way. I do understand that he could've said something to you, but he probably just wanted to cut off this in order to prove his seriousness to his bae. It's just best that you move on. I hope this advice helps you. -K

Richard, 22, Inspiration

Message: What inspired you to start your blog? What advice would you give to someone that feels they've lost a bit of their creative edge?    

    Ummm, a number of things actually inspired me to make my blog. It was the fact that I always hold my opinions to myself and didn't want to do that- I wanted and outlet to put my point of view. Another inspiration was when I was in school for Fashion Journalism we had to create a blog for class and I loved the it, so that reinforced those feelings of wanting an outlet plus it gave me the know-how to create and run my own site. Lastly, even though I went to school for a while for journalism I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do career wise and I've always heard that saying "Find out what you're good at and make a career out of it" and the only thing I feel like I'm skilled at is being a friend so, I just figured it out and made it my niche for my personal blog!

    My advice for someone that feels they've lost their creative edge would be to step back and think about their niche and stay true to what you genuinely like and what content they want to put out. Um, also, I would say give it time and let it come.. candidly loll. Don't let it be forced because you feel creatively blocked or frustrated, or to be influenced by others in a way that isn't sincere to yourself and your niche. Niche is important imo because it's what keeps you, or me at least, grounded and helps me depict what specific content I need to or can put out for my specific audience. I feel figuring out what you personally want to be YOUR brand is important because it allows you to stay above the fray in the mist of a million other bloggers. Find out what makes you different and what your unique spin is and exploit that! Also, stay open to the possibilities of expansion and influence from anywhere and anyone (then make it you and build up and blow up). -K 

Hey Babygirl 16, Let him go

     Let him go and possibly let your friend go. Life is full of heartbreaks and tough decisions so you just have to go through it and be patient because all hurt is only temporary. All struggle is temporary and even those tough conversations and awkward situations are temporary. You're not going to get over him if you're still reaching out to him and keeping him relevant in your mind and spirit. Forget about this dude. The relationship is over and you will be able to heal once you allow yourself to separate from him. You even stated yourself that after it ended he said "never really cared about the relationship, that I loved him more than he loved me", so keep these things in mind and know that it's over (and you should be glad if that's how he felt). He ain't the only guy in the world and you're still very young. Oh yea, and tell you friend you feel uncomfortable with the relationship she has with him and that you want her to end it. If she was your friend first and is your real friend, I feel like she should respect that and abide by your wishes. If not, then that's why I say you may need to let her go too. If you do, that's cool there's a billion other girls in the world and you don't need an disloyal one on your team. Dead everything with this ex. You don't need to be cordial or friends with him. Go on about the rest of high school getting good grades and meeting better people, you'll be graduating in no time. I hope this advice help you. -K

Hey Seeking Friendship, Rekindle friendship

Message: Hello my name is Necia , 
I have this friend we are on and off as friends and I just needed advice on what I should do. So I recently reached back out to her apologizing for our last encounter we had we made up that was it .but it seems like I'm the one who's always reaching out when something goes bad or wrong in the friendship I know every time you re connect with someone nothing isn't going to be the exact same there's going to be a little change. I guess what I thought was going to happen is where we picked up where we left off on the good part .HOW do you go about needing a friend but not appearing desperate. I guess what I'm looking for in a friend is someone I can travel with hang with go through things with explore life together but idk if it just starts with me not having that PERSON everyone seems to need.

    I feel as though if the friendship with this person isn't the ideal one you want, refrain from trying to have it with her. Not that you shouldn't be friends with her, but if it's not seeming as if you too are going to be as close as you want, let it be the kind of friendship that it is. I went through the same type of thing where I lost a "best friend" and my attempt to repair the relationship (I was the bigger person as well) failed, I just had to accept it for what it was, nothing anymore apparently and now I met another girl who's literally like my other half lol. It was serendipitous really. Just let that friendship be whatever it is, whether nothing as all or just a good girl friend and one day you'll meet a friend that truly and genuinely becomes you "best" friend. One that you will have more in common with, share the same type of wants in the world and have a genuine loving connection with- you're ideal best friend. Don't force a situation that just may not be meant to work. Accept it for what it is and stay true to your wants and who you are and you'll meet someone else- someone better for you. There's billions of people out there, just be patient. I hope this advice helps you. -K