Living Single
I've been single for over a year now. I barely saw this year go by, but I've been reflecting on my love/dating life lately and it's been extremely uneventful. For the first half of this year, despite having zero interest in dating, I was very optimistic. I wasn't in the mood to be courted or to entertain anyone, the girl simply wanted some fun and a bit of attention with my new found freedom.
Sometimes I want to date, but sometimes I feel extremely indifferent on the subject. The idea of meeting someone and being compatible, getting wooed by them and falling in love makes me want it all to happen now- that same idea is what disappoints me about being alone. Unfortunately, witnessing the things men say, seeing how they think and the things that they do, is a great reality check. Men and dating them is so difficult and I don't feel like the drama of it all: the approach is wrong and you basically have to pry information out of them to find out who they are. I don't even feel like telling dudes my business anymore; the act has become very redundant and BORING. Having to also put my trust in someone and their word, questioning their motives and worrying about them texting me back, is exhausting!
In the midst of the drought, there was a little drizzle. I dated a guy briefly and of course it ended with him ghosting. It was completely unexpected.
My past relationship in it's good days, was amazing. My ex was a gentlemen; he was also very expressive, and consistent. That was the perception I had of men and of dating at this age since that was my experience. I'm an amateur in the dating game and because of that, I was lowkey blinded. If he would've been trash I would've been better prepared, lol. Being ghosted has to be one of the most inconsiderate inconveniencing things I've ever had happen to me. Now knowing guys ghost on the regular has turned me off; I am not here for it. It's a waste of time, energy and emotions. The optimism I had for dating faded rather quickly after that.
I'm very particular, but what I want is also so simple. The wrong approach or guy can and will turn me off almost immediately, but if you get in, and I'm actually interested, I'm such a easy and chill person. I'm not the type of person to play unnecessary games or have someone questioning my interests. I was told once by a guy that I was "a tough nut to crack"... that's pretty true. I'll never give myself fully to someone at first, but the hoops I'll set for a man to jump through will be big enough, at an achievable height and the ultimate prize is in clear view at the end. It's a test of interest and dedication. At this rate, it's necessary, I feel. With ghosting, cheating, unmet expectations and disappointments, I want and need to see that any guy is interested in me for the person I am, not just the idea of me or just to f*ck.
Early on I want and need to know what contribution a guy thinks he'll make to my life. Why does he really want me and what is it that he wants from me? The funny thing is, even with this thinking and getting these answers, there's still a risk being lead on and disappointed anyway. The unknown is a risk and the risk is a deterrent. Especially when the odds are so high.
Besides not being in the mood to take those chances, the man I want doesn't seem available. The guy is either uninterested in anything serious, (or mature for that matter) or clearly not around me.
Honestly, I don't know when I'll be interested enough in a man where I'll actually want him to be mine. Sometimes I think my standards may be too high, but no, they actually aren't. I'm not compromising with the traits I want a man to have because compatibility is extremely important to me. The character of a man is important to me; how he thinks. Whether or not he's open minded matters, how outspoken he is, his attitude, spirit, and sense of humor too. I'm not up for accepting anything less than what I want. That's with many aspects of life too. I'm not a girl who settles and when I don't like or become unhappy with something or someone, I free myself from the burden of having to deal with it. I've heard over and over how Sagittarius are "afraid of commitment" but it's not what most people- the haters aka all of the other signs (okurrt)- try to make it seem. We Sagittarians aren't afraid of committing, but afraid of committing to a situation or person that won't fulfill us. And that's how I feel. I don't think there's anyone for me right now- someone that fulfills all of me- someone who's worth the risk, so until then, I won't be dating or committing anytime soon.
I rather live this uneventful single life with my sanity intact than deal with the drama of dating a man right now. I'll just hate from the outside of the Black Love club.
If you ever see me pop up with someone again, just know he must be Russell Wilson's long lost little brother.
