Newfound Motherhood

Meet my friend, Shalay
IG: @smplyshalay

I never wanted to be a mother. The idea of relinquishing all of my freedom, time, and energy to raise a helpless newborn child didn’t resonate with me. I didn’t want to be bound by societal conventions just because it was expected of me as a woman. I felt motherhood more suitable for women who were nurturing, selfless and tactile. All of which I believed myself not to be. Naturally, motherhood didn’t call to me and I was content to live with that truth for the rest of my life. 

As I write this, my son lies next to me, peacefully sleeping and I can’t help but laugh. He was born on May 26th, 2018 to a terrified mother who didn’t even know how to change a diaper! I came home from the hospital with my stomach in knots. I was afraid. Afraid for my son. I was lost in the midst of monumental change. Change I believed I was not ready to face. How could I possibly be a mother worthy of such a title? How could I attempt to raise a child up right if I wasn’t right within myself? These questions, and my lack of answers, haunted me as I stared at Josiah. I prayed to God I could be enough, for his sake. 

It’s funny how life works, isn’t it? One moment you think you have your life perfectly planned out, the next, something unexpected happens that shifts your entire paradigm. Although children were never in my plans, having Josiah has already proven to be the best decision I’ve ever made. He has changed me. He has taught me to love myself endlessly, in spite of my character flaws. Through his unwavering love and grace, he has taught me the power of selflessness and unconditional love, and for that, I am eternally grateful for his existence. 

I have realized that I’ve experienced the most personal growth when I have let life guide me. It’s when I wandered off the path I thought was best suited for me that I discovered my truest self. Sometimes, things must happen to us to shift our understanding of ourselves.

My advice: Let that shift happen. Do not be so afraid to be lost and uncertain that you miss the beautiful opportunity to discover who you truly are.

I thank God it happened to me. Because of it, I was given a blessing I never knew I needed.