Becoming Kerstina
Meet my friend, Kerstina
Writer, Blogger
https://www.kerstinarenee.com/
@kerstinarenee
i want to be a better woman. i want to be a better woman for me now so that those who follow in my foot steps, those who admire me, look up to me and source me as inspiration have the best form of me. the best form of me is not perfect. the best form of me does not walk around smiling all day and night. she doesn’t always laugh the loudest. the best form of me isn’t always in shape, her weight fluctuates and sometimes she doesn’t care about being a size two or an eight. the best form of me gets wrapped up in living, laughing and dancing until the wee hours of the morning. when she loves it is deep. her head’s in the clouds, her lover has her full attention. she cries. she breaks. she gets angry. she yells, screams at the top of her lungs. she acknowledges that today is a bad one and tomorrow might be too but nothing tragic last forever. she trusts her universe to get her through all obstacles as it has time and time again but it doesn’t stop her from fretting when things are off balanced.
in my journey to get to this woman there’s plenty of things that i’ve had to do and they all start with me. i pride myself on my self awareness. i know who i am in all circumstances. in friendship i am loyal. i am the gatekeeper. i protect the hearts of all the ones i love. my ears and shoulders never too weak to provide a space of relief. i know that in love i am my lovers everything. i ignore red flags and play devil’s advocate more than often. i know that today i might look in the mirror and my shoulders may be to wide and my hips to narrow. all of this starts with me.
one of the greatest lessons i’ve learned in my twenty-six years on this earth is that who i am starts and ends with me. i can be a product of my environment and succumb to the everyday pressures of the normalities that have been presented to me or i can overcome those pressures and take on a whole world that my predecessors could not.
for years i’ve dealt with depression. spontaneous moments of darkness where feelings of insecurity and unworthiness become heightened. in my childhood there was no one to tell me i was beautiful. so when the boys went after the other girls and not me i looked in the mirror and picked myself apart, compared myself to the Latoya’s and Britney’s. everyone told me how smart i was, how i had the world at my fingertips but that didn’t matter because when i was sad without explanation or reason no one asked me, “what’s wrong, is everything okay?” growing up in a caribbean family parenting is very tough. tough love is the foundation of my family. it’s ripping someone to shreds realizing you’ve gone too far and dancing over it with a simple, “wey wrong wid you ah joke me ah mek.” not realizing the damage that has been done.
in my life i’ve tried my best to acknowledge those moments. playing them over and over again sometimes blaming myself because maybe i was just too sensitive. but words hurt. and it’s okay to admit that. at twelve i’d lay in bed for days without saying a word, sometimes not even get out to eat or use the bathroom and no one genuinely ever showed concern for me, it was just, “tina just being tina.” traumas aren’t always connected to sexual abuse or drug addictions. there’s real trauma in hurting and having no one to reach out and hug you. wanting to cry and having to bite your lip to show face. there’s a lot of pain in expressing what breaks you, makes you get down in the dumps and having someone tell you that you have no right to your pain because at the end of the day, “there’s a roof over your head and food in your stomach and clothes on your back.” but what little girl doesn’t want to be held when she hurts. over the years i’ve become a master at not talking about my feelings. in getting so wrapped in my own head and being hurt and in pain and dealing with me by myself. but my universe comes through for me every time. has placed people in my life who have served as the gatekeepers of my mind, my body and my soul. apart of getting through tough times is being able to express yourself. and in all fairness sometimes you don’t want advice but just to speak on what you’re feeling out loud. for years all i had was my pen. writing provided me a space of relief. on paper i’d delve into those childhood traumas and reflect on how they’ve become apart of building the person i am today. more times than often i cut myself off from the world, seeking out solitude, like a man lost in the desert in need of water. in my solitude there was plenty of darkness but at some point i began to want more for myself as an overall being, not just a woman. i wanted to be able to tell people, i loved them, while they were still around to hear it. i wanted to be able to be broken and have the courage to be vulnerable and lean on someone’s shoulder.
people don’t understand the mental block that comes with depression. that it is literally something that a person doesn’t control. people don’t choose to be sad and hurt it’s genuinely something that just happens. for me i had to delve into those dark corners of my depression. once i snapped out of it i had to figure out what was happening before i got to that space. exploring every nook and cranny of my mind to figure out my triggers. as a virgo i crave alone time. i take pleasure in my space. in being able to block the world out and focusing on me. but sometimes confining yourself to a space and blocking the world out makes the mind go to places unfathomable. in diving in and figure out what causes my sadness and paying attention to the thoughts my mind produce i’ve been able to redirect and avoid the darkness. i no longer confine myself to my bedroom. i wander off and get lost in museums. take myself to lunch and dinner, even the movies. i keep my mind busy, i read more now, write more now. i take time engulfing myself in activities that bring me overall joy. social media has played a huge part in amplifying my short comings, playing on my insecurities. i was following a whole bunch of people my age living the most Glamorous lifestyles, read an article which suggested that if someone else’s feed does everything but inspire you , motivate you and make you want to be a better you remove it!
it’s truly a battle in itself. acknowledging your own faults, making sense of your traumas, discovering how those things play a role in who you are at your current state and figuring out what to do to better the person you are. i am not perfect! perfection is an ideal in my life that does not exist. i have no desire to exude perfection or to create a space in which people look at me and feel envious or jealous of who i am and what i have. i am learning about myself and my space in this world every second of everyday. i am full of flaws and have only as of recent begun to embody who it is that i am in this skin. apart of growing and glowing is understanding that life is not always rainbows and sunflower fields. life hurts sometimes causes pains that don’t ever go away. it rains heavy, with lightning and thunder but it’s not all downhill from there the sun always comes out. apart of me becoming a better woman, a better me is accepting all parts of life the ups and the downs.
my advice: take in all that life has to offer. communicate as best as you can. unapologetically create a space where you feel most comfortable. acknowledge what causes you pain and deal don’t bury. after all there’s good that comes with bad. don’t deny any aspects of who you are.
